Strings Attached
part 4
by Mrs. Eyre
Any softening of her feelings toward Luka evaporated rapidly as they walked. They didn't speak until sitting waiting for the train."Abby - "
"Don't talk to me. Do not."
Silence.
"I can't believe you did this. I can't believe it."
"Me neither."
"Shut up. Just shut the hell up. And stay shut up."
"We have to talk about this."
"Not here, not now."
"But tonight."
"I don't know."
"I'm working tomorrow."
"Yes, you are, and I, who could really use talking to Angela or going to a meeting, am playing tour guide to your arrogant, overbearing father."
"I'll call him."
"You will not."
"You could call Angela tomorrow, early."
"She's my sponsor, Luka, not my personal therapist. She has a life, a job to go to." A pause.
"Overbearing?" She blocked out the obvious concern in his voice.
"I don't want to talk about it. About him."
"About us then."
"When did you turn into Mr Talkative?". Luka winced and she saw it. That wasn't fair. In the three months since they'd been reconciled he'd gone to great lengths to be open with her; she knew that he found it every bit as hard as she did. She should apologise. She didn't.
He'd followed her injunction and not spoken a word on the ride home. As she opened her door he tried again.
"Abby - "
"You'd better come in. Don't even think about staying."
Abby threw her things onto the couch and followed them down heavily. Luka paced uneasily.
"Oh, sit down, Luka, you're making the place look untidy."
He took a seat by the fire and risked looking at her. She avoided his gaze.
"Abby, I know you're angry - "
"Gee, ya think? What the fuck were you thinking, Luka?"
"I wasn't thinking."
"How long have you been planning this, huh? How long?"
"I didn't plan it. My father called me two days ago."
"Two days? Two days?"
”I panicked. I just panicked."
"I know how you feel."
"No, you don't, you really don't. When I thought of telling you I just . . . I just imagined what you'd do, what you'd feel."
"You know what? I really don't need you to imagine that stuff for me."
"I know. I was wrong. But think, what would you have done?"
"I'd have been scared shitless."
"Yes, of course. And you'd have spent two days worrying yourself to death."
"I am not a child! What is it you think my recovery is all about? I'll tell you what it's about" she continued as he opened his mouth to answer "It's about me learning to deal with myself and with my feelings. So if I'm scared I have to be scared and I have to deal with it. Me, Luka, me, you don't get to decide what's good for me. Your job, if you still have it after tonight, is to support me in that. Do you get that?"
"Yes. I get it. I was wrong. I know that. And I'm sorry."
"Easiest word in the world to say once you're busted."
"No, it isn't, not when you mean it. I mean it. I'm sorry. I wish I hadn't done it. I didn't know what else to do."
"Bull. Shit. You knew exactly what to do and you decided not to do it."
She was right of course. Luka thought back to the blind terror he'd felt on putting down the 'phone after his father's call. Arriving Friday, the three of them, hotel booked, nice surprise, eh?
Oh, yeah, great surprise. No time to rearrange his shifts, no time to tell Abby and to deal with the forest fire of panic he knew would overtake them. So he did nothing, let it wash over him. He'd even been able to convince himself that tonight he was just taking Abby out to dinner.
"I screwed up, Abby. I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say."
"Keep thinking, because sorry just isn't cutting it right now."
"Then perhaps I'd better go."
"Perhaps you had."
She followed him to the door and began to shut it behind him. He held out a hand to stop it, trying to smile.
"You know, if I get hit by a car on the way home you're going to feel terrible about leaving things like this." She waited a moment, considering, and then stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek.
"Stay out of the way of cars. If anyone's going to kill you it's going to be me."
But she didn't smile as she shut the door.