Slowly Luka became aware of things going on around him. Someone was calling "Mr. Kovack. Mr. Kovack". It's pronounced Ko-vatch, he thought, Ko-vatch. And I'm a doctor- don't they know that? He felt an oxygen mask on his face and absently wondered how high a mixture he was getting. At least they didn't have to tube me, he thought, not yet, anyway; then he was drifting again, off into the darkness.

"Mr. Kovack!" The voice was calling more urgently. Luka tried to open his eyes, but it was too much of an effort. They must have given me something for the pain, he thought- my side doesn't hurt anymore. He was aware of them working on him, poking, pulling, but they were odd sensations, like they were coming from some other body. He realized his clothes were gone, and he idly tried to remember what shirt he had been wearing. I'll have to replace it, he thought. And my coat- where will I ever get another winter jacket this time of year, he wondered. And he wondered why he was thinking about coats and clothes as he lay dying...

More voices came to him.

"Lucky bastard," one was saying. "Couple of inches over and he'd be a dead man." It sent Luka's thoughts spinning again. They don't think I can hear them, they think I'm out. I'll have to remember that the next time I work on someone, he told himself. I can hear what they said. He wondered who was working on him, tried to think who would be on. Kerry? Peter? But the voices didn't sound right. He tried to force his eyes open again, and finally succeeded. Nothing looked right- the lights were wrong, the colors were wrong, even the doctors were wrong.

"Mr. Kovack?" The voice said again, and he turned toward the speaker. Why couldn't she get his name, his title, straight? But it was a woman he didn't know. He blinked his eyes, as if that would somehow turn her into Haleh or Conni or anyone he knew.

"Do you know where you are, Mr. Kovack?"

Luka tried to pull the words up; it took all of his strength to whisper "Hospital" to this stranger.

"That's right," she said reassuringly, "Your at Mercy Hospital. We're here to help you." Mercy- of course it was Mercy, Luka thought. It was so much closer to the El stop than County. That's why he didn't know anyone, why they didn't know him. Luka wanted to close his eyes again, but the nurse wouldn't let him.

"Mr. Kovack, you need to stay with me, ok?" Luka forced his eyes open again. He tried to figure out what they were doing, tried to figure out exactly what had happened to him, but the doctors' words kept fading in and out. He concentrated on the monitors, listening to their beeping and buzzing, and was satisfied that it wasn't too bad. The nurse was talking to him again.

"Can we call anyone?" She asked. Now he had to close his eyes again; there was no one to call, he was all alone. He thought of Emma, of the kids, but they were gone, long gone, murdered by Karel for money, for profit, for fun... Luka couldn't bear to think of it.

"Mr. Kovack," the nurse asked, concerned, "Are you in pain?" Luka shook his head no; the pain he felt couldn't be cured by anything she had to offer. He concentrated on his breathing for a while, gathering his strength.

"I'm... Dr. Ko-vatch," he finally managed, pronouncing it deliberately, "From County." He had to rest again, it took so much effort to tell her that.

"Dr. Kovac?" It was another voice; this one sounded vaguely familiar. He sensed someone moving near him. "He worked here a few times, back in the fall," Luka heard her tell the first nurse. "Dr. Kovac, do you remember me?" He opened his eyes again and tried to study the face, tried to place her. It was the one with the unusual name- what was it? His mind churned, looking for the answer.

"Mecheal?" He whispered.

"That's right," she answered gently. "I'm glad you remember me. I'll stay right here with you, ok?" Luka nodded slightly; he was just thankful to see a familiar face, hear a familiar voice. Mecheal brushed his hair back, soothing his brow; he was so exhausted.

He found himself drifting again, floating back to the El station, back to where Karel's dead eyes were staring vacantly at him. Luka wondered if anyone would believe him, if they would understand what a service he'd done in killing that man. But all he could see was blood, everywhere there was blood. Karel started laughing at him again, mocking Luka and what he had done. Karel had a gun, but he was holding the wrong end. Luka realized Karel was clubbing someone, clubbing Viktor and Maja, laughing all the while. He could hear Emma pleading, screaming, crying as she was forced to watch, as Karel forced himself on her. And then a final cry, a final shot, then silence, no sound but the dripping of blood and Karel's laughing...

"Dr. Kovac," Mecheal was calling. "I need you to stay awake, ok? Just for a while longer, you know? We have to make sure you're alright." If only she knew, Luka thought. I wish they'd just stop, just let me go, let me be with my family, let us be together again, be happy again. But he knew God was going to let him live, make him live, make him do penance again for taking another life. Maybe that's the plan, Luka thought; have me live a long, long life to make me suffer for what I've done. God must be truly angry with me...

"Dr. Kovac," Mecheal said again, "Listen to me now. You were shot twice, ok? You've lost a lot of blood, but we're replacing that. The doctors are going to be able to fix you up down here; then in a bit we'll take you upstairs to a room, ok?" Luka nodded. Suddenly he thought of Karel- what if he wasn't really dead? What if they had been able to save him, too? Then the nightmare would truly begin...

"The other man," he asked desperately, "What happened to him?" Mecheal looked past him to someone on his other side, and Luka turned his head slightly so he could see whom it was. It was some man in street clothes; maybe he's with the police, Luka thought, waiting for the doctors to fix me up so he can take me to jail. The man leaned closer to him.

"The other man was DOA," he told Luka. "I'm John Sullivan, Chicago PD. Can you tell me what happened?" The world started to spin again; he couldn't believe the police were already here, and then he realized he shouldn't be surprised- he'd seen it happen at County enough times. Luka closed his eyes and concentrated on breathing again, then looked at the man and told him,

"He - followed me...from County... he had a...a gun... shot me... had to get...the gun." He had to stop, it was so much work to speak, it almost hurt. He hoped the officer had understood him, believed him.

"Ok, Mr. Sullivan- you need to go now, " Mecheal said firmly. "Dr. Kovac needs to rest. You'll have to talk to him later."

"I'm sure I will, " Luka heard the man say. And then he was in free fall; it was just so hard to stay awake. He could hear Mecheal talking to him, but he just didn't care, he just wanted to go away, have some peace for a while. If it would be possible to have peace ever again...

Luka wasn't sure how long he'd been out- it could have been minutes or hours or even days, he couldn't tell. He felt a dull ache in his side, and now his leg hurt, as well. What had Mecheal said- he'd been shot twice? Maybe that's where he'd been hit- the leg, maybe that's why he'd lost so much blood, they kept saying the wound in his side wasn't that bad, maybe the bullet got his femoral artery. Maybe I'm just thinking too much, he mused. He looked around the room; Mecheal was still there, checking one of the monitors.

"Hey," he managed to rasp; his voice sounded strange, hoarse, strangled.

"Hey," Mecheal answered quietly. "You gonna stay awake for me now?" She asked with an indignant smile. "I'm beginning to think you don't want to see me." Luka tried to smile back, but he wasn't sure if he succeeded.

"How are you feeling?" Mecheal asked gently, brushing his stray hair back. Luka thought a moment; he didn't feel too bad. Must be the pain medication. But he was so thirsty.

"Dry, " he whispered.

"I'll get you some ice chips," Mecheal offered, "Best I can do right now." Luka nodded, he understood. He took the ice in his mouth; he couldn't believe how good it felt on his throat. Mecheal was brushing his hair back again, trying to comfort him, to soothe him.

"Is there anyone you want me to call?" She asked. Luka pressed his eyes closed; didn't they understand yet? Didn't they realize he was alone, totally alone? He shook his head no, fighting back tears. His mind started twisting again, going to place he didn't want to go. What would have happened if he did die? Would anyone really care? Surely Father Joseph would take care of things, but who would bother to come say goodbye? Mecheal had her hand resting lightly on his arm, keeping him connected to the world. She would come, he guessed, if she had the day off, if she heard about it in time. Carol would come, maybe Abby and Lucy...no, not Lucy- he had forgotten she was gone. Maybe the nurses would come, maybe even Malucci. Maybe. And Kerry- she'd come, it would only look right for her to come. He took a deep breath.

"Call Kerry Weaver," he said softly, "She needs to know." Mecheal soothed his hair back again; he felt like telling her not to bother, it wouldn't stay, but he didn't have the strength.

"Kerry Weaver? Do you have her number?" Mecheal asked quietly. Luka sighed again- he must be the only person to ask for them to call his employer.

"She's chief of the ER at County," he managed.

"Your boss?" Luka could hear the surprise in her voice; he simply nodded. "She's on tonight?" He nodded again. "Ok, I'll go call her for you." Mecheal gave him a bit more ice; he felt so tired he could hardly swallow the tiny bit of melt water. Mecheal came back and told him something, but he was drifting off again and didn't really understand her. He was vaguely aware of being moved, of rolling down a hall. He thought someone new introduced herself, but he couldn't be sure. All he wanted to do was to float, to sleep...

It was still dark when Luka woke up. He was definitely in a different room; it was darker and quieter than the ER. His side and leg were starting to throb again; that's what woke him up. He still felt so very, very tired. And thirsty- he was still so thirsty. He glanced around the room, but he didn't see anyone; the other bed was empty. A nurse came bustling in and started to check the dressing on his leg.

"Hey," he managed, attempting to be cheerful. The nurse seemed a bit startled, but she quickly regained herself.

"I'm sorry- I didn't expect you to be awake. I'm Tina," she told him. "I'll be with you until 7, ok?"

"What time is it," Luka asked.

"Just after three am," she answered softly. "I'm going to check your dressing now, ok Dr. Kovac?" Mecheal must have told her the right way to say it, Luka thought. It seemed like it should be much later than three o'clock; the confrontation with Karel seemed so long ago.

"Are you in any pain," Tina asked as she checked his dressing.

"A little," he admitted, "But not too bad."

"I'll see what I can do for you," Tina assured him. "I can get you a drink, too, if you like."

"That would be wonderful," Luka answered. Tina brought him a glass with a straw, and he drank it quickly; it tasted so good. Tina brought him another glassful.

"Your friend is still here, if you'd like to see her for a minute," Tina said. Luka was surprised- he hadn't expected Kerry to come at all, let alone wait to see for him. Maybe I should see her, Luka thought- that way she'll feel free to go home.

"Ok," he told Tina. "Just for a minute, though- I'm so tired." Tina smiled at him; she seemed to understand the position he was in.



"I have to tell you the police are still here, too. But we don't want you to talk to them yet. I mean, it's up to you, but I don't think it would be a good idea." Luka nodded; he still had to come up with a story he could tell the authorities, and he was too tired to think right now.

"Tell them I'll talk to them in the morning," he said resignedly. It would be hard enough to see Kerry.

But when Tina came back, John Sullivan was with her and Kerry.

"Sorry, Dr. Kovac," Sullivan said, "But I can't let you see anyone alone. You don't have to talk to me, though." It didn't sound right, but Luka was in no mood to argue, he just wanted to see Kerry and send her on her way. He noticed that Kerry was limping very badly; it was definitely related to stress, he knew. Maybe she thought there were targets on her staff- two stabbings and a shooting in a little over a month- it was wearing on her physically as well as mentally.

"How are you feeling," Kerry asked, genuinely concerned.

"Not too bad," he lied, "A little sore, is all."

"You had us all worried about you," she told him, "I didn't know what to expect when I got here." Luka just shrugged, it was still hard to talk. "They say you're lucky- the injuries aren't too bad, nothing major hit." She was trying to put a good spin on things.

"Yeah, I'll be back day after tomorrow," Luka told her dryly. Kerry looked surprised; she seemed almost ready to scold him. "It's a joke, Kerry," he quickly added. "I won't be back 'til next week, at least." Luka tried to smile, and Kerry managed a half-smile herself. He knew he was an enigma to her; heck, he was an enigma to himself sometimes.

"You just get better, ok? " She told him. She patted him on the arm and turned to leave; she knows I need my rest, Luka thought gratefully. He just wanted to get something for his pain and go back to sleep. But Kerry stopped.

"Do you need anything?" She offered, "Is there anyone you want me to call?" Not her, too, he thought- surely she had looked at his file and seen no emergency contacts listed, she must know there was no one. He closed his eyes and shook his head no. Kerry patted his arm.

"Ok," she said, a catch in her voice. "I'll tell everyone at County. And you call me if you need anything." She looked pointedly at the police detective. "Anything at all. And be careful, ok?" He nodded again, just wanting her to be gone. Kerry limped out, followed by Sullivan.

"I'll go check on your painkillers, ok?" Tina told him, and then Luka was alone again. He wished he could just disappear; run from this place, run from what he'd done, like he did before. He didn't know what he'd tell the police, what he'd tell Kerry, tell anybody. If only Karel had done his job and killed him, then he'd be back together with Emma and Viktor and Maja, instead of being alone still.

Tina had gotten him more painkillers and Luka fell into a restless sleep again, dreaming of his family, of his past; all the boxes he had made for his memories were broken and everything jumbled together in his dreams, all the good mixing with all the bad, all the horrible. He slept without getting any peace, dreading the morning...

To part 6

Back to Jo's Fan fiction

Back to table of contents

Back to older fic