Broken Life

part 12

by Jo

Luka's mind was racing as the phone rang once, twice--Maybe she's already left for work, he thought; it was after eight.  But then someone picked up.

  "Mackey residence, Michael speaking." 

  Luka had expected Mary to answer the phone, so when he heard Michael's voice, he was taken by surprise.  But he quickly recovered himself. Perhaps this will be easier, he though, even though his heart was pounding.  "Hi Michael, it's Dr. Ko--Dr. Luka."

  "Dr. Luka!" Michael yelled so loudly it hurt Luka's ear.  "I knew you'd call!"

  Well, at least Michael's happy to hear from me--that's a good sign. "How are you," Luka asked in a quiet voice, hoping Michael would answer in a like manner.

  "My shoulder's all better, Dr. Luka!" he replied not quiet as loudly.  "Well, it still hurts sometimes, but not much."

  "Good, good."  Luka took a deep breath before asking, "Is your Mama there?"

  "Mommy?  She can't come right now.  She's doing something you don't need to know about in the bathroom."

  Luka couldn't help laughing at the innocent way Michael had responded; he just hoped Mary couldn't hear, or if she could hear, that she wouldn't be too upset with her son.

  "What's so funny, Dr. Luka?" Michael asked.

  "Oh, um, nothing."

  "Oh, okay,” Michael said, sounding confused.

  "Is she getting ready for work?" Luka ventured.

  "No, she's not going to work today."  Before Luka could ask anything more, Michael launched into a rapid-fire description of what had happened while Luka was gone.  "She got laid off from her job last month, and she's been going on interviews and stuff and I've been staying with Mrs. V and I hate it but at least I get to see Mommy more, at least until Monday when she starts her new job but we don't get any money until the end of the month so we have to watch what we spend which means no McDonald's until March, which really stinks, but I guess I can wait."

  Luka's mind was reeling as he tried to keep up with what Michael was saying.  Mary lost her job?  But she has a new one?  But money's still tight.  I think.  He heard Mary call Michael's name.

  "What?" Michael asked; Luka could picture him shrugging, surprised by his Mother's displeasure.  "Okay, here she is, Dr. Luka," Michael said into the phone.  "I'll see you later."

  Somehow his heart began pounding even harder; Luka was sure Mary would hear it over the phone.  This is it, Luka thought.      

  "Um, hi, Luka," Mary said softly, with a touch of embarrassment. Simply hearing her voice made his heart flip.  "I guess you're all caught up on our news, huh?"

  It was as if he hadn't left; but he had left, and bad things had happened while he was away.  Michael had seemed happy enough, but Luka needed to be sure.  "Is everything all right?" he asked, not even trying to hide his concern.

  "Oh, yeah, now it is," Mary replied with a sigh.  "Things looked a bit bleak for a while but as Michael said, I start my new job Monday."

  "Well, if you need anything, just let me know," he told her.

  "Oh, that's okay," she told him. "I have some savings.  We're fine, really."

  He was surprised by the vehement way she turned down his offer, but then he remembered how her ex had made her feel obligated to him by giving her money and expensive gifts.  Stupid, stupid! he scolded himself.  Don't scare her off now. 

  "So, um, how was your trip?" Mary asked. 

  "Oh, um, it was good," he stammered, caught off guard by the sudden change of subject.  She's good at keeping me off-balance, he thought with a smile.  "I had some good talks with my Dad, and, um," here goes, he thought, taking a deep breath, "well, I'd like to see you so we can talk, too.  If--if that would be okay."  The words had come out much too fast, betraying his nervousness.

  "Sure," she answered instantly, before he could even worry about her answer.  "My schedule's pretty light until Monday, so pick a time."

  Did she say pick a time? Luka thought.  She said pick a time!  She wants to see me!  He could hardly contain his joy, let alone think of a time or place.  McDonald's.  Michael would like McDonald's.  "How about lunch today?  My treat," he offered.

  "Oh Luka, I couldn't--"

  Careful, careful, Luka told himself.  But he really wanted to do this.  "Sure you could, as a thank you from me, huh?  Just McDonald's, that will make Michael happy, right?" 

  "My Michael," Mary said, "who's already broken a lamp today, and who is currently jumping on the couch even though he knows he's not supposed to?"  Luka knew she was talking to her son as much as to him.  "I don't know if he deserves a lunch at McDonald's."

  Luka could hear Michael's voice in the background; it sounded as if he were heeding his mother's warning.  "Please, Mommy, I'll be good!" he pleaded.

  Luka was about to say something, but Mary spoke first.  "Luka, hang on a sec," she told him.  She put her hand over the receiver so he couldn't make out what she was saying.  If Michael's being punished, Luka thought, I shouldn't interfere.  So now what should I do?  Mary came back on the phone.  "Sorry about that.  Michael's been a little wild lately."

  "Well, if he's being punished, I can meet you later in the afternoon," Luka offered.

  Mary sighed before she answered him; as she spoke, he could tell she was making up her mind about what to do.  "Actually, the poor kid's been stuck inside with Mrs. Varnovitsky for the past month.  And I know he feels my stress, too."  She sighed again.  "So I think McDonald's will be fine."

  "Good," Luka said, relieved that they would come. "How about the one on Kennedy, near the church?  Say at noon?"

  "Sounds good to me.  See you then."

  "See you," he answered, trying not to sound too eager.  He was bursting with joy as he hung up the phone.  She sounded happy to hear me.  She wants to see me!  Maybe--just maybe, there's something there.  Oh God!  He knew whom he had to call.  He had talked to his father only a few hours earlier, but he had to let him know what was going on.

  Except his father wasn't home; it was just his answering machine.  But it didn't matter; Luka had to let him know.  "Tata, it's Luka.  I'm going to be meeting Mary for lunch today.  I'll--I'll call you later and let you know what happened!"  

  There was so much to do before noon.  He had to unpack, and shower and shave.  And he had his appointment with Dr. Richmond at ten.  He was starting to dread the idea of talking to someone other than his father, but he knew he had to give it a try.  A promise is a promise, he reminded himself.  He picked his clothes carefully, wanting to look nice for Mary, and wanting to make a good first impression on Richmond as well.  "It's a big day," he told his fish as he pulled on his coat.  The fish, of course, were totally oblivious to his nervousness; they swam peacefully around their coral, and Luka wondered if they had even realized he had been gone for almost a month. "You guys have the life--free meals, warm water, no one out to get you.  I hope you appreciate it."  But they didn't seem to care.

  He grabbed some coffee and a buttered roll from the corner store before catching the El to Dr. Richmond's office. It was odd, not having a car, but looking down at the city traffic, he had to admit traveling by train wasn't such a bad thing.  He arrived twenty minutes early for his appointment, and he started to feel more and more nervous as the minutes ticked by.  The receptionist had a stack of paperwork for him to fill out, but that couldn't take his mind off of why he was here.

  Finally it was time to meet the doctor.  They had spoken on the phone, but that was much different than meeting the man face-to-face.  Richmond was surprisingly short, only about five feet tall, perfectly groomed, not a gray hair out of place, his dark suit perfectly pressed.  Luka guessed he was about fifty, maybe a bit older. They shook hands, and Richmond motioned for him to sit down.  Luka looked around the office, unsure of where to sit; he finally picked a comfortable-looking chair opposite the desk.  Richmond nodded and went around to sit in his desk chair.  Luka was nervous, and so he was careful not to reveal too much at this first meeting. Richmond seemed okay with that; he asked only a few questions, and offered no opinions or solutions.  The hour flew bye.

  "I know it will take some time before you fully trust me," Richmond told him as Luka stood up to leave, "But I can see you're ready to accept help.  Know that you can trust me with anything, and I will do my best to help you find the way.  But it's up to you to chose to follow it." 

  Luka managed a small smile as he shook Richmond's hand again.  Didn't Tata say something just like that? I think I can learn to like this Dr. Richmond.  Hell, perhaps this therapy stuff will actually work, he thought as he scheduled his next appointment.  Perhaps.  It was worth a try, at least.

  He had just over an hour before he was to meet Mary. Not enough time to do any grocery shopping--that'd have to wait for later.  But there was enough time to go home and change out of his heavy pea coat.  The day was strangely warm; he had lived in Chicago long enough to get used to these "tease days," as Randi called them, days where the temperature rose to the mid-forties and everyone ran outside, hoping Spring had started.  But usually it meant that a blizzard was on its way.  All the more reason to enjoy it while you can, Luka thought as he walked back from the El.  Maybe we can take Michael to the park after lunch--sounds like he could use some playtime, and Mary could probably use a break as well.   

   He dumped his pea coat and pulled on a lighter jacket, then hurried back to the El.  He only had to go one stop, but the train seemed to take forever to get there.  He checked his watch as he rode; it was almost twelve.  Come on, come on, he urged the train on silently.  I can't be late--not today.  Damn, I shouldn’t have stopped at home.  His stomach was doing flip-flops again.  What if she's only being polite?  No, she's not; she truly does want to see me.  But will she still want to see me after she knows all that's happened, after she knows about all I've done?  Oh God, I hope so.  Round and round it went as he got off the El and hurried down the stairs.  He turned the corner onto Kennedy, and he saw her.  Mary was halfway down the block, and her back was to him, but he recognized her right away.  Michael was on the low wall that separated the McDonald's from the sidewalk; like his mother, he was facing away from Luka, staring down the one-way street.  Looking for my Viper! Luka realized.  They don't know I got rid of it.  He sighed, trying not to let his doubts get the best of him.  There's so much she doesn't know about me.  He covered the distance between them quickly, and he was about to call Mary’s name when Michael spotted him.

  "Dr. Luka!" Michael yelled joyfully.  Luka had just enough time to brace himself as Michael ran along the wall and then launched himself at Luka.  Still, the force of his leap almost sent the two of them tumbling to the ground.

  "Michael!" Mary exclaimed as she hurried towards them.  "If you hurt Dr. Luka, he won't buy you lunch."

  "Sorry," Michael replied as Luka set him on the ground.  "I was just happy to see you."

  "It's okay," Luka said with a smile; he didn't want to undermine Mary, but he'd loved having someone so happy to see him. "It's been a long time since I had a greeting like that.  I rather liked it."  He rubbed Michael's head, and the boy beamed up at him.  Luka winked at him, then looked over towards Mary.  She was smiling, too; it lit up her whole face, and she seemed even more beautiful than he'd remembered.

  "It's good to see you, Luka," she said.  He could sense a trace of nervousness in her voice, but her smile didn't diminish; if anything, it got even larger, and Luka knew his smile matched hers.

  "You too, Mary." Suddenly he was at a loss for words.  There was so much he wanted to tell her, so much he needed to tell her, but it wasn't the time, not yet.

  "Let's say we get some lunch," she said, and Michael led the way into the restaurant, almost dancing with joy. 

  They got their food and found a booth.  Mary sat opposite him, with Michael next to her, and Luka noted that she withheld the toy that came with Michael's meal. Although it didn't seem to matter--Michael was happily wolfing down his burger and fries as if he hadn't eaten for a month.  Luka chatted lightly with Mary, staying with safe topics like the warm weather and his plane trips, subjects that were safe for five-year-old ears.  Time enough later to talk about the heavy stuff, Luka thought.  Besides, it was so nice, sitting and talking about normal things.  It was so easy to talk to Mary; he felt like he had known her for years.  I haven't felt this way with a woman since-- The thought froze in his mind a second before he dared to finish it.  Since I was with Danijela.  He smiled at Mary, and she smiled back.

 "You'll never guess where I'll be working," she said, grabbing a couple fries.  "County General."

  Oh my God, no!  No!  Luka thought.  You can't--you can't!  I promised Tata.  Oh God.

  "What, bad choice?" Mary asked, obviously confused.  He didn't answer right away, so she asked, "What?"

 "It's just--it's just--" Luka took a deep breath.  How can I explain this?  And does it really matter?  But I promised Tata.  Oh God.  "Well, I can't, um, I know it's early, but, um, there are certain rules--" he stammered. 

  "You can't date coworkers?" she offered.  He felt his face flush as he nodded "yes."  "But I won't be a coworker," she argued.  "Well, I guess maybe technically, since we'll both be working for the same company, but you'll never see me.  I'm not even going to be in the same building--the billing department is across the street.  And of course I'll have nothing to do with the medical side."  She's making a very persuasive argument, Luka noted as she went on.  "You won't be supervising me, I won't be supervising you--we'd have nothing to do with each other.  So how could anyone complain if we see each other?"

  Luka knew he was chewing on his lower lip; it was a bad habit he had never been able to break, but right now he didn't care.  I need to talk to Tata, and see what he thinks.  If we're not really working together, why would it matter?  I mean, if we stay away from each other while we're working, it should be okay, right?  Michael had finished his meal, and Mary gave him his toy.

  "Oh, wow, cool!" Michael exclaimed, delighting in the cheap plastic Donald Duck. 

  Mary turned her attention back to him.  "Luka," she said softly, "there's no rule that says we can't be friends, right?  Let's start there, okay?  We'll worry about the rest later."

  The rest? he thought.  So she thinks there's something here, too.  He realized he hadn't answered her.  "Okay," he said with a slight nod of his head, and Mary smiled at him once again.  But I still have to clear it with Tata.  Although--why would he say no?  Why the hell am I so confused?  Why can’t I just listen to my heart, like Tata suggested?  He had finished his burger, and Mary was drinking the last of her milkshake, but Luka didn't want them to leave, not yet.  He wanted to be around Mary as much as possible. "Um, do you have any plans for this afternoon?"  Mary shook her head no.  "How about we go to the park for a little while, huh?" As expected, it was Michael who responded first.

  "Can we, Mom?  Can we?"

  Mary let out a small laugh.  "Of course," she told him.  "You can use a nice run."

  They walked to the nearest park, with Michael skipping on ahead of them.  "Where does he get his energy from?" Luka asked.

  "I have no idea," Mary replied with another laugh.  "But I wish he'd give some of it to me!"

  The warm weather had melted all but the largest snow piles, and the playground was filled with preschoolers and their parents, eager to take advantage of this break in the long, dreary winter.  Mary nodded her okay, and Michael ran to the slide as she and Luka found a spot along the fence where they could talk in relative quiet while they watched him.

  "How's his shoulder?" Luka asked as Michael clambered up the ladder.

  "Oh, it's fine," Mary replied.  "The doctor said it was almost all healed."

  "Good, good," Luka said, almost to himself.  He noticed Mary was holding her breath as Michael came down the slide. I don't know how she does it, he thought.  She must be exhausted every night. 

  "So," Mary said, keeping her eyes on her son as he ran to another slide.  ""Why are you so worried about me working at County? Is it really so bad to date someone from the same company?"

  Luka didn't answer right away. He thought of Chuny, and Kathy, and Erin.  Oh God, Erin.  I wonder how she's doing?  "For me it was," he finally said.

  "So you already broke the rule. If there’s really is a rule against it."  She wasn't accusing him, just stating fact.

  "There's, well," he sighed, thinking again of his promise to his father.  "There's no written rule, I guess, but maybe there should be."

  He realized she was looking at him, but he kept his eyes on Michael.  "Luka," she said, "you're my friend.  I like talking to you, and Michael loves seeing you.  But I need this job.  If you can't deal with me working for the same company, tell me now."

  "No, I just, oh God, I'm sorry."  This wasn't going the way he wanted it to go.  He glanced down at her, then stared off at nothing, thinking of Erin and Rick and all the mistakes he'd made at County.  "I made some big mistakes," he said with a sigh, "and I hurt some people when I didn't mean to.  I just--I just--I don't know--" The doubts were creeping up on him, threatening to pull him down and bury him.  But Mary wouldn't let him go that easily.

  "You're afraid you're going to hurt someone again.  Or get hurt again.  Or both," she told him.  "But it's really just an excuse to build another wall, to shut people out.  Is that what you want?"

  God, no, Luka thought, closing his eyes and shaking his head ever so slightly.  No, I don't want to build my walls again.

  "What did you talk to your father about?" Mary asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

  Luka smiled softly and shook his head again.  It's like she knows all about me, he thought.  "You're really something, you know?" he asked with a small laugh.

  "I know," Mary told him with a smile, but her words were serious.  "But it's important.  You started something with him, but he's not here.  So now what do you do?  Now who do you talk to?"

  "We talked about that," Luka told her quietly.  "About what I'd do if I came back here.  He wanted me to stay there, with him.  And I almost did.  I love him, you know?"  And I miss him already.  "But being there, with all the reminders--"  he had to pause and take a breath to steady himself as a flood of memories flashed through his mind--memories of Danijela, and Marko, and Jasna--and of that other Jasna, the Jasna-who-wasn't-Jasna.  "No matter how beautiful it is there, no matter how much I miss it, miss him, I--I can't.  I can't stay there.  Too much happened, too much that I can't change."  He could feel Jasna in his arms again, Jasna as her life drained away, and it was almost too much; he had to force the memory away.  "But here," he said, regaining some control over himself, "here I can fix things, I can make things right.  I did a lot of things wrong, but with a lot of help, maybe, maybe I can work things out.  With a lot of help."

  "More help than I can give you."  Again, it was a statement of fact, not a question.  Luka looked at her, and thought he saw understanding, not accusation. "Are you going to see someone?"

  She needs to know, to protect herself.  And to protect Michael.   "I already did, this morning," he whispered.  He stole a sideward glance at Mary, but he couldn't read her feelings.  "It was hard," he added.  "It was so easy talking with my Dad," and with you!  "But this morning, with the doctor, it was so hard, so hard--" 

  "It will be," Mary told him. "It's always harder to face problems than to run away from them.  But problems don't go away when we hide from them.  They just grow and grow, and it gets harder and harder to fix them.  But once you face them, the problems start to fade.  It's not easy; it takes time.  But things do get better."

  Luka knew he should be heartened by her words, he wanted to believe her, but it was hard to accept the possibility things could ever get better.  "I've made so many mistakes," he sighed.

  "So has everyone on Earth, Luka."

  "Not like mine."  He felt himself slipping into a dark place again, but again Mary wouldn't let him.

  "No, not like yours," she said matter-of-factly.  "Some were worse, some not so bad. But if you spend all your time beating yourself up over what you did then, instead of concentrating on what you can do now, then you're not living.  You're existing in the past, reliving your mistakes instead of moving on.  Believe me, I know.  Moving on is hard, but it's so much more fulfilling."

  She's so wonderful, Luka thought.  How will she feel when she knows the truth about me? "I don't think you'll even want to be around me after you find out what I've done."

  "Why?  Are you planning on doing the same things again?"

  "No."  But he was afraid of hurting her.  "But what I did--"

  She cut him off.  "Is in the past.  You'll tell me, when it's time, and we'll deal with it.  But I've seen the goodness in you, Luka.  I see it when you're with Michael, and I heard it when you told me of your family."  Could it be she really does care about me? Luka dared to hope. 

  "You had something very special, Luka," Mary went on, and Luka could detect a trace of longing in her voice.  "Something I never had, something I've only dreamed about.  I hate that you had it taken from you, hate what you've had to live with.  But it is in the past, Luka, and there's a whole future ahead of you."

  If I haven't ruined it for myself--for us--all ready.  "But I--but--" He fumbled for words, but he had no idea what to say.

  "But we'll see what happens, Luka.  I'm not going to throw this away.  Something's happening with us, I don't know what it is.  I know we haven't seen each other much, but I--but I've never felt this way before. Ever." 

  She placed a hand on his arm, and Luka turned to study her face.  She feels it, too, he thought, daring to believe.  But will she feel the same way when she knows about Erin, about all the others?  Mary smiled up at him.

  "I'm not going to let you go away," she told him, "I'm not going to let you run away, without giving it a try.  I'm fire-hardened steel, Luka, I can take whatever life throws at me."

  Even me? Luka thought.  "But I--some of the things I've done--"

  She wouldn't let him place doubts in their way.  "You're a good man, Luka Kovac," she insisted.  "Don’t forget that.  Life's been cruel to you, and maybe you've made some bad choices at times, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve a chance for some happiness."  Her eyes were searching his, as if she were willing him to believe.  "Everyone deserves a chance to be loved."

  Luka was falling, he knew it, for the first time since Danijela he was falling in love with someone.  He had thought he loved Carol, but when she had left, he had missed not her, but her daughters.  And Abby--he had wanted to love her, wanted to believe it was love he felt; he knew she cared about him, and he cared for her, but it hadn't been love, not really.  He had needed her, needed her desperately, but there had never been any real communication between them; there were things he still didn’t know about her, things she didn't know about him.  Too much baggage for them to get past.  I already know more about Mary than I ever did about Abby, he realized with a tinge of guilt.  But as Mary said, that was the past.  As he stood staring into Mary's eyes, he knew he was seeing his future. 

  "I promise I will never do anything to hurt you," he whispered.  He wanted to kiss her, but it was too soon, much too soon, so instead he simply slipped his arm around her.  They turned back towards the playground to watch Michael.  Oh Tata, Luka thought, I think I'm going to be all right.  I'm going to be all right.                       

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