Broken Life
finale
by Jo
Luka finished scrubbing the stockpot, then
rinsed it off before handing it on to Mary so she could dry it.
The had had an early supper of soup and rolls so they could go
get a Christmas tree before the lot closed. This is just
like our first night, he thought as he watched Mary. Soup,
rolls, me washing, Mary drying. I wonder if she planned it
this way? Somehow he knew she had.
So much had changed since that
night ten months ago; life had become so much better for him.
And he knew things where better for Mary, too. They had
both faced down so many of their fears, and grown ever closer as
the months passed. He had confronted his demons, dealt with
his guilt and his fear, and even though he knew he wasn't
completely healed, even though there were scars that might never
fade, the one thing he knew for certain was that Mary would
always be there for him, ready to listen or offer him advice, or
simply hold him until the worst of the doubts had passed.
It hadn't been easy for either of
them. Mary had scars of her own, scars left by Michael's
father, her ex-husband, a man she had been in love with once, a
man who had hurt her terribly. It had taken her a long time to
learn to trust him fully, Luka knew, a long time before the last
wall had come down and she had let him in fully. He knew she was
protecting herself, and her son, and so he waited until she was
ready, even when he longed to be with her every second. He
knew his future lay with her, knew his heart belonged to her now.
And to Michael. It was hard to
explain how much he loved Mary's son, how much it meant to him to
have a child looking to him for protection, or advice, or simply
a hug. It was easy for everyone to see how Michael
worshipped Luka; he tried to walk the way Luka did, and he wanted
his hair "Just like D's" and he'd even started using a
slightly comic Croatian accent. Luka loved it, and yet it
scared him sometimes, too. What if I fail him, the way I
failed Marko and Jasna? He couldn't bear to think of
it; he knew if he lost Michael, and Mary, he couldn't survive.
But he had to believe they would be all right.
He was going to miss this apartment.
It's a shame it’s so small, he thought. It
will always be a special place for me. The place where I decided
to live again. He went over to where Mary was putting
away the last of the dishes and wrapped his arms around her.
"I love you, Mary Mackey," Luka whispered, holding her
tightly. "You'll never know how much."
~~~
"D! D! Pick this one! Pick this
one!" Michael was standing in front of the tallest
Christmas tree on the lot, of course.
All children want the biggest
tree, Luka thought with a chuckle. "I think that
one may be a little too big for the apartment," he said
gently. Luka spotted a smaller tree and held it up for
Michael to inspect. "How about this one instead?"
Michael glanced at Luka's tree but then stared back up at the big
one--and Luka felt his heart freeze as a memory flooded over him.
He took Jasna to the hills outside
town looking for a tree while Danijela stayed home with baby
Marko. There were many small trees to choose from but one
tree stood a good thirty feet tall.
"Tata! "Tata!
Pick this one! Pick this one!" Jasna cried.
"I think that one may be a
little too big for the apartment. How about this one
instead?" He had chopped down the smaller tree, but
Jasna pouted all the way home, and for days after all she talked
about after was the other tree....
He felt the urge to get the bigger
tree now, to make Michael happy. But he knew he had to
fight it. Fortunately Mary was coming down the row of
trees. "What do you think, Mom?" Luka asked,
hoping she wouldn't notice a waver in his voice. But Mary
had her full attention focused on the trees.
"Let's see how fresh this one
is," she said, taking off a mitten. Luka had never
bought a pre-cut tree, so he let Mary take the lead in choosing
one. He watched as she ran her hand along the needles, then
dutifully bounced the tree a few times and turned it around so
she could make a complete inspection.
"No holes, the needles are
staying on, it's a perfect size," she said, half to herself
before calling to her son, "Michael, I think we found our
Christmas tree!"
"But I want this
one," Michael insisted.
Luka felt his heart beat faster;
later he'd have to tell Mary what he had been reminded of, but
for now, he kept his eyes glued on the tree he was holding.
Something caught his eye. "Michael, look! There's
a bird's nest in this one." That broke the tall tree's
spell.
"Where? Where?"
Michael asked excitedly as he ran to them. "I can't
see it!" Mary lifted him up so he could see. "Oh
cool!" Michael exclaimed.
Luka paid for the tree and tied it to
the roof of the car for the trip back.
"Can we decorate it
tonight?" Michael asked excitedly.
"No, Sweet Pea, we already told
you we were doing that tomorrow," Mary reminded him.
"Santa Claus is Coming to
Town" started playing on the radio, and for once Luka was
grateful Michael was full of questions; he switched off the
radio, pretending it was so he could hear better.
"Will it be at our apartment, or
D's apartment, or the new apartment?"
"The new apartment, of
course," Luka told him. "I don't have my old
apartment any more, remember? And you and you Mom will be
living in the new apartment real soon."
"With you?"
"Of course." Luka
smiled over at Mary.
"I can't wait," she
whispered.
Neither can I, Luka thought.
Neither can I.
~~~
They wrestled the tree up the front steps
and into the townhouse, somehow managing to turn the corner into
the living room without knocking over anything or stepping on
Michael. Mary had picked the spot for the tree, right by
the front windows so people passing by would be able to see it.
It took a while to get the tree straight in the tree stand.
especially with Michael dancing around, singing "Jingle
Bells" and generally getting in the way, but Luka didn't
mind. Finally it was all set. Luka stepped back to
look it over while Mary crawled back underneath to fill the stand
with water.
"It looks funny," Michael
announced, hopping up on the new couch. Luka quickly
scooped him up.
"No jumping on the
furniture!" Luka admonished. He grabbed Michael's
ankles and flipped him upside down, much to the boy's delight.
"Quick, Mary, any money falling out of his pockets?"
Mary crawled out from under the tree, her shirt sprinkled with
pine needles and a small branch caught in her hair. Luka
was glad he was already laughing; he wasn't sure if she was
in the mood for teasing.
"He's right," she sighed
after giving the tree the once-over, "It does look
funny."
Luka pulled Michael up and draped him
over his shoulder. It looks like a tree, Luka
thought, but he kept it to himself, instead assuring her,
""The branches will come down a bit. It just
needs a good drink of water. Tomorrow it'll look
better."
"And then we can decorate
it!" Michael cried.
"Yes," Luka said, winking
at Mary, "Then we can decorate it." He flopped
onto the couch, still holding Michael. "It's going to
be beautiful." He patted the seat next to him, and
Mary joined them, sitting with her head on Luka's chest and her
feet curled under her. Luka caught their refection in the
window, and he smiled contentedly. It's perfect, just
perfect, he thought. What more could any man want?
But he knew what he wanted--what he needed--he needed them to
stay with him tonight. He only hoped Mary would agree.
He realized she, too, was looking at their reflection, and as she
pressed herself closer to him, he leaned down and whispered into
her ear, "You know you can stay here tonight."
Michael had been sitting quietly for
once, but now he jumped up and started to practically dance in
front of them. "Can we? Can we, Mom, please?"
"That wasn't meant for your
ears," Luka scolded gently. I have to remember to
be more careful about when I say things, he reminded himself.
"But I heard it!" Michael
exclaimed. "And I want to stay here, in my new
room!"
"I think that would be
nice," Mary said with a contented sigh. "I don't
want to go back out into the cold." She looked up and
met Luka's eyes. "Do you think it'll be all
right?"
He knew why she was asking; they had
been careful to keep the physical side of their relationship from
Michael; lately, he'd wake to find Luka sleeping on the couch,
but never in Mom's bed. But now, with the wedding only a
couple days away--why would it matter?
"You know how I hate waking up
in an empty place," Luka whispered. And there's so
much I need to tell you tonight, he added silently, about
Jasna and the tree, and about why I hate "Santa Claus is
Coming to Town," and about why I love you so much.
Mary nodded, and Luka turned his attention back to Michael.
"You can play in your room for a little while, but don't
make a big mess--it's almost bath time."
"Okay!" Michael flew out of
the room and up the stairs. Luka listened to the noises coming
from upstairs--Michael was obviously taking out way too
many toys, but neither he nor Mary made a move to stop him; they
were both too content where they were. Time enough to
clean up later, Luka thought as he pulled Mary closer and let
his thoughts drift.
How long since I let myself feel
happy? How long since I dared to care for anyone, or
anything? But he knew the answer: too long.
Mary shifted her weight slightly, and
for a moment he thought maybe she was getting up to check on the
disaster area Michael's room had certainly become, but he
realized she had in fact fallen asleep. Her face was tense, and
he brushed his fingers through her hair and kissed the top of her
head, wishing to soothe her cares away.
What are you thinking about, my
love? Luka wondered. Does Steven still haunt your
dreams? He'd have to ask her later. His thoughts
turned to the night in late August, when a mysterious package had
arrived from Bogotá, Columbia, addressed only to
"Mackey," with no first name. Mary had called him
at work and asked him to come over as soon as he could; she had
sounded so afraid that even now, four months later, it sent a
chill down his spine. By the time he'd gotten to Mary's
apartment, she was pale as a ghost.
"I don't know what's in
there--I'm afraid it's coke or cash or something he's going to
want to come get," Mary explained.
"Where's Michael?"
"I sent him upstairs to Mrs.
V."
"Has Steven called you
recently, or written a letter or anything?"
"No," Mary replied, her
voice choked with fear. "You know I would have told
you if he had."
"Maybe it's just a gift for
Michael." Luka suggested.
Mary couldn't contain her laugh.
"He's not like you, Luka, he doesn't give a shit about his
son."
Luka sighed and examined the box
carefully, even using his stethoscope to check for ticking. But
to his relief, there was no ticking, and no wires, either. And it
wasn't very heavy, so he guessed there were no drugs, and if
there was cash, it couldn't be much. "I could open it,
or we can call the police," he suggested.
Finally, after much debating, they
opened the package. There was no booby trap, nor were there
any drugs or anything of value. Just some odds and ends: a
cheap watch, a packet of pictures featuring Steve and various
women, a couple dress shirts--and Steve's passport. A note
was tucked inside, claiming Steve was dead. No details, no
proof, just, "Steven Mackey died 8 August 2003."
Mary wasn't convinced. "He
wants me to think he's gone so I won't come looking for
him," she told Luka. "But trust me, he'll turn up
again. He always does."
But not this time. Luka took
her to the State Department, and after two months they confirmed
that Steven had in fact died under "mysterious
circumstances," but they had no more details.
In a way, it was a relief, knowing
that Steve could never hurt Mary again. But it was
upsetting, too; Steve was Michael's father after all, and,
despite all that had happened, he had been Mary's first love.
But they had worked through that pain and sorrow, too, and come
out stronger.
~~~
Mary stirred in his arms, and
suddenly her eyes flew open. "I fell asleep!"
"Yes, you did. Good
dreams?" Luka asked gently.
"No," she replied, shaking
her head to chase the sleep away. "Work dreams. I hate
those. Always too many codes to punch in, too many papers
to handle."
Luka smiled, relieved; work dreams he
could deal with. Although now that he was working at Mercy,
he was usually able to leave his job at the hospital instead of
bringing it home. Sure, there were bad days, but since
Mercy wasn't a trauma center, there were fewer critical cases
coming through the doors. Most shifts he saw nothing more
serious than a broken bone or a case of pneumonia. There
were times he missed the excitement of trauma, and deep down he
knew he'd go back to a trauma center one day. But not now,
and never back to County. There were too many bad memories
there.
"Better check on Michael--he's
being much too quiet." He stood up and held his hand
out to Mary to help her up.
"No, quiet is not a good thing
when it's Michael," she agreed with a laugh. "Let's go
see what he's up to."
~~~~
Michael was up much too early the next
morning, knocking on their bedroom door. "Mom, why is
the door locked?"
"Just a minute," Luka
called, hoping he didn't sound too grumpy. He and Mary had
stayed up late, talking about Christmases past, first about Erin
and how he'd almost killed her when he'd crashed his car, and
then happier memories of celebrations with Danijela, and they
even talked about how they had celebrated Christmas as children.
And then they had made love, sharing
themselves completely with each other. Now Luka wanted
nothing more than to sleep in, with Mary cradled in his arms,
relishing the peace and contentment. But there was no way
they could ignore the incessant knocking. He got up and
pulled on his pants, and unlocked the door. Michael came
flying in and dove onto the bed, then started jumping.
"Can we decorate the tree
now?" he asked eagerly.
"Not if you make your Mom
seasick," Luka replied as he grabbed Michael and flung him
over his shoulder.
"And we need to eat breakfast
first," Mary added.
"Then can we decorate the
tree?"
"Yes, then we can decorate the
tree," Luka assured him, "but first..."
He pinned Michael to the bed and started blowing kisses onto his
stomach. It was one of Michael's favorite games, and he
started laughing hysterically. Each time Luka stopped,
Michael begged for more, but it was harder and harder to comply,
since Luka had started laughing, too, and Mary was giggling as
well. Before long, they had all collapsed together, trying
to catch their breath. Life is so very good, Luka
thought, so very, very good.
~~~
Michael stood transfixed in front of the
decorated Christmas tree. It really is beautiful,
Luka thought as he glanced at his watch once again. It was
getting late, and they needed to get to the airport. Tata's plane
would be landing in a little over two hours, and Mary was taking
way too long getting ready. It was unusual for her; she was
always early. But not today--and today it was important to
be early.
"I'm going to go check on
Momma," he told Michael before loudly stomping up the
stairs.
"I know, I know," Mary said
before he even got to the bedroom. "But I can't figure
out what to wear." Two dresses lay discarded on the
bed, along with a pair of slacks and a couple sweaters. "I
want to make a good first impression," she explained
nervously.
"You all ready have," Luka
assured her, but he could she he hadn't calmed her. "Tata
won't really care what you wear, honest," Luka added, taking
her into his arms. "But-" he scanned her closet,
"why don't you wear your bright blue sweater, the one I like
so much? I'm sure Tata will love it, too."
"It's dressy enough?"
"Mary, we're meeting him at the
airport. A formal gown would be a bit out of place, huh?"
He kissed her lightly. "It'll be--" he almost
said just fine, but he realized she needed to hear
something stronger--"perfect. It brings out the color
of your eyes and makes you look even more beautiful than
usual."
"You think?"
"Um hmm." I will
never understand women as long as I live, Luka thought as he
watched Mary pull on the sweater and smooth it down. "Beautiful."
"You're not just saying
that?"
He walked back over to her and gave
her another hug. "If we didn't have to go pick up my
father, I'd lock the door and strip it right back off of you
again, hmm," he whispered. He gave her another kiss
before releasing her. Mary giggled nervously.
"Okay, okay." She
pulled on a pair of black slacks. "I don't know why
I'm so nervous," she said, hanging up the dresses and
sweaters.
"He already loves you,"
Luka reminded her. "And I know you love him, too.
I think once he's here you'll feel better." I know
I'll feel better, he thought, trying not to hurry her too
much, but eager to get on the road to the airport just the same.
As he expected, the traffic was
horrible. It was the last Sunday before Christmas, and it
seemed half the world was trying to get into, or out of, O'Hare.
Finally they got to the lot and found a spot. "He
should be landing right about now," Luka said, looking at
his watch for the thousandth time as they hurried into the
terminal. They quickly found the exit from the Customs
area, and Luka started scanning the faces of the men around him.
No sign of Tata. But then it is a bit early.
But the minutes turned into a full
hour, and he felt himself getting more and more anxious as the
seconds passed.
Mary gave his hand a squeeze. "We
know he made the flight. He would have called if he
didn't."
"But what if something went
wrong in Customs? His English is pretty shaky."
"I'm sure they'd let us know if
there was a problem. I think too many people arrived at
once, is all."
Or they decided they didn’t
like the way he answered a question, and they're doing a full
search, and he's complaining about it, so they've decided to turn
him around and send him back--
And then he saw him, wending his way
through the crowd dragging a huge suitcase behind him.
"There he is, Sweet Pea,"
Mary said, lifting up Michael. "See?"
"Grandpa! Grandpa!"
Michael yelled. Luka smiled as at least ten older men
turned their way, and all but Tata turned away again,
disappointed. Tata, however, broke out in a huge smile,
waved and hurried towards them.
It was so wonderful to see him again;
Luka's life had changed so much since they'd last been
together. "Tata," he whispered as they embraced.
He almost didn't want to let go, but he knew Mary was waiting.
Slowly they parted, exchanging smiles, silently telling each
other, all is well.
"Hi Grandpa!" Michael
beamed at Tata, and Luka thought his father was going to cry.
"Hello, Michael. It is
good to meet you finally." He took Michael from his
mother's arms and gave him a kiss on the cheek before giving him
a hug, which Michael returned with relish. "Let me hug
your Momma now," Tata whispered, setting Michael on the
ground. Luka watched as Mary and Tata embraced, and now
Luka knew Tata was crying; Luka was fighting back tears,
too--tears of joy. He took Michael's hand, and stepped
forward to join the hug, happy to have all the people he loved
together at last.
~~~
Michael wanted to spend the night at the
townhouse again, but Mary knew Luka wanted some time alone with
his father, so just after dinner she took Michael back to their
old apartment. "You'll have Grandpa all to yourself on
Tuesday," she'd promised, and that seemed to satisfy
Michael--for now.
"She's wonderful," Tata
said as he watched them drive off. "And little
Michael--so full of energy!"
Luka laughed. "That's an
understatement." They had slipped back into speaking
Croatian; Tata insisted on using English at all times when Mary
was around, telling Luka he didn't want to be rude. But
Tata's English was, to say the least, rusty, and he seemed to be
relieved to be speaking his first language again.
They retired to the kitchen, and Luka
poured them both a glass of wine.
"You look wonderful," Tata
told him, taking a sip of the wine.
"Is wonderful your word for the
night?" Luka asked.
Tata laughed easily. "As a
matter of fact, it is," he replied, taking a longer drink
wine. "Mary is wonderful. Michael is wonderful.
My son looks wonderful. And I feel wonderful, because
everything here is wonderful."
Luka laughed, too, and then took a
sip of his wine. "So different than a year ago,
Tata," he said softly.
"Yes," Tata nodded
solemnly. He lifted his glass. "To choosing to
live again."
Luka hesitated a moment, then raised
his glass as well. "To the best father in the world.
A man who twice gave me life."
Tears formed in Tata's eyes. "I
only pointed out the right path, Luka. You are the one who
found the courage to follow it."
They talked, and toasted until the
wine gave out and the jet lag caught up with his father. Luka
was surprised to see it was only ten o'clock, but it was just as
well; he had a one last shift the next day before he having four
days off for the wedding and honeymoon. He made sure his
father had everything he needed for the night and then crawled
into bed. It feels so empty, he thought. But
only for two more nights. After Tuesday, I won't ever have
to sleep alone again.
~~~
Tuesday dawned bright and beautiful. Luka
wasn't sure if it was the light dusting of snow that made the day
sparkle so, or if it was simply the fact that it was his wedding
day, a day he had looked forward to for a long time.
He hadn’t planned on sleeping
with Mary before this day; neither of them had been ready for a
sexual relationship when they'd first met, and he didn't want
anything to ruin their relationship. But as the months had
passed, and their feelings for each other became stronger, it
became harder and harder to resist doing more. Finally they
admitted to themselves, and each other, that they were truly in
this for the long haul, that in their hearts they were already
married, and so there was no reason to wait. The first time
together had been strangely awkward; Luka knew he was trying too
hard to please Mary, trying too hard to do just the right things.
It wasn't a disaster, but it was far from perfect, and they both
knew it. But slowly, slowly, they had grown more
comfortable; Mary had learned she could trust him completely, and
he learned to read her moods and desires--at least most of
the time. Together they learned to make love to each other.
And tonight, we'll be alone.
No Michael in the next room, just me and Mary and the night. It
was almost too fantastic for words.
The wedding was small, with just a
few of their friends in attendance. Michael sat on Tata's lap,
quietly taking in everything. Luka knew Mary had been
worried about Tata babysitting while they were at the hotel, but
Michael and Tata had become inseparable since his arrival, and
the idea of sending Michael off with Mrs. Varnovitsky was quickly
discarded. Luka had teased her that their biggest worry was
Tata spoiling his new grandchild.
Mary looked positively radiant, and
Luka felt he was falling in love all over again. He said
his vows in a haze; none of this had seemed possible only a year
before, and a part of him was afraid he'd wake up to find it was
only a dream. But it was all real. He could hear
Michael clapping as he kissed his bride, and he silently thanked
God for making his life so perfect.
~~~
They arrived back home in time for Christmas
Eve dinner. Tata had cooked a simple fish dish, and filled
their bedroom with flowers, and Luka noticed there were plenty of
new presents under the tree. Michael was almost beside
himself from excitement, and Luka wondered if the boy would ever
be able to get to sleep.
The four of them sat at the kitchen
table, drinking cocoa and eating Christmas cookies and talking.
"So I can call you Daddy now, right?" Michael
suddenly asked.
"I'd like that very much,"
Luka told him quietly as Mary and Tata exchanged smiles.
"Cool."
Very cool, Luka thought.
But it was one more time when he was glad he was living in
America. He didn't know if he could bear to be called
"Tata." But "Daddy" was just fine.
Mary opened her arms, and Michael
came over for a hug. "Our first Christmas
together," she said.
"When does Santa come?"
Michael asked.
Luka took the opening. "After
you're asleep, so you better get to bed."
Michael's eyes got large, and he
nodded. "Can Tata tuck me in?"
Luka and Mary exchanged looks, and
Luka half-shrugged. I'll get plenty of chances, he
thought.
"Of course," Mary replied,
speaking for both of them. "You two go ahead, and
Lu...Daddy and I will be up to give you a kiss soon."
Tata beamed as Michael grabbed his hand and led him up the
stairs. He loves being a grandfather, Luka thought with a
smile.
"He's going to miss your dad so
much," Mary sighed as she picked up the mugs and put them in
the dishwasher.
"Yeah," Luka replied,
coming over and wrapping his arms around her. "But you
can only have so much Grandpa spoiling at a time. It'll
make our trip that much better this summer." He
couldn't wait to show them Croatia, to show Mary the beaches he
had grown up on, the places he still loved even though he
couldn't live there.
"Come on," Mary said,
slipping from his embrace.
"Where?"
"The living room."
He followed her, and she turned off the lamp as they went in,
leaving only the Christmas tree to light the room. He sat
on the couch, and she sat next to him, her head resting on his
shoulder. "How did I ever get so lucky?" she
whispered.
"That's what I should ask,"
he told her, his voice breaking. He hugged her closer.
"A year ago, I was in darkness," he went on softly; he
needed her to know this. "I was lost, with no way out.
You helped me find the way to peace, to happiness--to myself, and
to life. You stood by me even though I know it wasn't easy.
You saved my life, Mary."
She hugged him and whispered,
"No, Luka, you saved yourself. I was just there to
hold your hand."
Luka shook his head; surely she knew
she had done so much more? But he simply said, "I'm
just glad I found you."
"I'm glad I found you,
too," she whispered, somehow snuggling closer. "I
never knew life could be this good."
Luka held her tightly, staring at the
Christmas lights. Funny how it starts, he thought.
A broken collarbone, a lost wallet, a dinner invitation ,
someone caring enough to listen, a father who loves you, a child
who loves you, and best of all, a woman who loves you. A
life no longer broken. He sat quietly, holding the
woman who loved him and sighed contentedly. I couldn't ask for
anything more.
The End