Jude
Part 10 by Vicki
“Morning
Jude!” wished Chuny as she placed her bag up on to the
bathroom sink, and began fixing her makeup, thankfully pulling
Jude out of her nightmare with Jenny Adams.
“G’day
Chuny.” replied Jude, choking on her words, and clearing the
lump in her throat. She held back the tears. Jenny Adams was out
of her mind for the time being, but she knew she’d be back
before too long.
“Are you
okay?”
‘Yeah I’m
fine. Late night, that’s all,” Chuny smiled in
appreciation, she knew what late nights did to you. She reapplied
her lipstick, as Jude grabbed her bag off the floor, she didn’t
have the strength for conversations right now, “I’ll
see you out there.”
“Okay.”
Jude was gone.
She planned to put her stuff away and get straight into seeing
patients. She didn’t want to have to stop and think. She
didn’t want to have to stop and deal with her breaking
heart. She wanted to keep busy and not think about her life and
how it sucked right now. She took the Asthmatic in exam room 2,
and couldn’t keep her thoughts away from the back of her
mind.
****
**She needed
to not be afraid to breathe without him. She needed to not be
scared to go on with life without him. She needed to know it was
all right to love and be loved and not to be terrified to lose it
to heartbreak.**
He was the
dreamer of her dreams. The sculptor of her future. The molder of
her society. She was his singer; he was her song. When he cut
her, she bled, when she pinched him he screamed. The bright flame
that had flickered in her life for the past 5 months had gone
out. In one single dark moment, and by a conniving cold-hearted
bitch, love was taken from her. Jude’s breaking heart and
suffering soul flew straight past the stars directly into heaven,
where God’s precious hands grasped them. He gently took them
into his bosom, and with the angel’s singing a harmony; the
heavens welcomed them with a wide and graceful embrace.
****
Luka felt a
sabbatical away from the hospital was the only way that would
help him get over a young woman who he felt no longer loved him.
He was wrong. He saw her face everywhere, heard her voice, and
remembered her gentle touch. He felt through all that had
happened between them, their friendship was torn and that’s
what he regretted. He knew he would always love her. He wanted to
love her. He wanted her in his life, but if he couldn’t have
that, what he wanted more than anything, was her friendship.
Someone to talk to, someone who listened. He wanted them to be
good friends who trusted each other. Who were there when time and
predicament needed them to be. Who inspired a passion in each
other’s work and life.
His sanity was
reckoned with every second of the day, as it seemed to slowly
pass. He could feel Jude’s presence in his heart and he
lived captivated by it and by her. She had such an inner beauty
and inner strength that came across to anyone who met her and now
they ravaged his mind as Pam took the corner, taking them to
their next emergency. A young boy with multiple gunshot wounds.
They had no time
to waste. They had no time for mistakes. They had only one choice
and Luka made it. He was a rebel, a revolutionist, sometimes a
troublemaker, and this was going to get him into trouble, he
could feel it in his bones.
“This is 374
Victor Adam, come in County.” yelled Pam into her radio.
“Go ahead,
374 Victor Adam, this is County,” replied Dr. Green,
answering the call. Mark, Kerry, Randi, Lydia, and Malik stood in
the reception area waiting to hear word on what Pam was bringing
in. The call wasn’t clear and static interfered with the
reception, “Repeat 374 Victor Adam.” said Mark. They
had no idea what was going on, or what the paramedics were caught
in. The guns shots rang through the radio and brought a look of
surprise to all their faces.
“There’s
a boy, multiple gsw, he’s in the middle of the street.’
yelled Pam.
“Get back in
the rig!” echoed another voice in the background. They
couldn’t tell who it was. It sounded like Garcia, Pam’s
partner, but the doctors and nurses of County couldn’t be
sure.
“What’s
going on, Pam?” The panic in Mark’s voice was clear.
All they could hear in the ER were gunshots and voices yelling in
fear. They had no idea who was shot, how many had been shot, and
who was getting out of the rig when they weren’t suppose to
be.
“He’s
got out the rig to try and get the kid. They’re shooting at
them,’ explained Pam, “Luka, get back in the rig.”
Mark looked at
Kerry. Kerry looked at Mark. Kerry put her feelings aside and
took charge. “Malik, Lydia, get the trauma rooms ready.”
“You got it,”
agreed Malik, he took off with Lydia following behind to get the
ER ready for multiple traumas’.
“Randi, page
Dr. Benton, get him down here.” Randi got straight on it.
“Pam, where’s
Luka now? How many down?” questioned Mark. The radio was
dead. No one answered. Pam was too caught in what was going on
around them, the gunfire, breaking glass, and taking cover from
bullets being fired at the ambulance. It was like a war zone.
Gang members shooting at the Police, the Police shot back.
Paramedic’s Pam and Garcia, and Dr. Luka Kovac caught in the
crossfire. Pam gripped the radio so tight in fear her knuckles
were white. She held down the button and Mark and Kerry could
hear everything.
****
“What do you
think?” asked Dr. Carter.
“Let’s
get someone from Ortho to take a look at him.” replied Jude.
They stopped at the reception area. Carter needed to check
something on the computer. Jude rubbed her last patient’s
name off the admit board, and instantly noticed the fear on Kerry’s
face, and so did Carter.
“What’s
going on?” They didn’t want to tell them until they
knew more, “Dr. Weaver, Dr. Green?” pushed Carter.
“374 Victor
Adam are caught in the middle of something.” They could hear
screaming voices, and gunfire, and then silence, occasionally a
shot was fired off.
“Get back in
the rig?” yelled Garcia another time, hoping it convinced
Luka to get back into the ambulance. It didn’t.
“Who got out
of the rig?” inquired Carter. Jude knew. Kerry told her from
her eyes, and she brought herself closer to her friend.
“Who is it,
Kerry?” whispered Jude, hoping it wasn’t who Kerry told
her it was. Kerry worried if she said it, it would bring him bad
luck, so Mark said it for her.
“Luka.”
Jude tried to hear over the noise of the ER, but she could not
pick up Luka’s soft reassuring voice. Someone yelled she
thought it was Luka, it wasn’t, her mind distressed, her
heart racing.
The gunshots rang
out and echo through the radio, glass broke, and the radio
instantly went dead. In one single dark moment Jude’s heart
died. Kerry took her shaking hands into her own calm one’s,
hoping to steady Jude on her feet. In his gallant attempt, Luka
tried to save the young boy shot and laying in the middle of the
street amidst the surrounding gunfire, and the doctors in the ER
could do nothing but listen to it all unfold.
Now and again
private and personal fused together. Once and awhile tensions
blew. Past and present opinions and misinterpretations exploded.
Tempers and selfishness once or twice drilled straight to the
bone. Feelings sometimes were hurt and discouraged. Stating the
obvious occasionally caused bitchiness and backstabbing, and
arguments not very often overshadowed maturity and reason. A
council of men and women governed in pride and in integrity
within the boundaries of County General, each with their own
strengths and weaknesses, their times of triumphs and heartbreak
and hardships. They were a disciplined paramount assembly of
people whose every detail was accounted, every move dictated.
Incompetency and giving up was not tolerated. Teamwork and team
loyalty was accredited and often relied on. Their principles
encouraged at every possible moment. They embarked upon the
journey that entailed them to save a life, provide aid to the
injured, and comfort the dying. It’s what they did and they
did it well. They did it with colleagues. They did it with
friends. In an instant God was summoned, prays were made, life’s
were asked to be spared from death, life’s of friends that
hang in the balance.
****
“I had to
save the boy.’ argued Luka in his own defense. Joshua Black
died from multiple gun shot wounds in the trauma room only ten
minutes before. Kerry took it upon herself as both superior and a
friend’s protector to yell and scream at Dr. Kovac, and make
him understand what he put his friends through by breaking
protocol in getting out of the ambulance.
“You put
your own life at risk, and then what would have you done for the
boy!” Kerry screamed, standing in the middle of blood soaked
dressings and clothes, trying to get her point across to the
stubborn Croatian.
“It was a
chance I had to take, Kerry. The boy was dying,” fought
Luka, “It was my job to save him.’ His voice drenched
with anger. He had done all he could to save the boy, and they
were criticizing him.
“It was your
job to stay in the God damn rig.” Kerry yelled. She walked
out and left Dr. Kovac to his thoughts. She had to check on Jude,
and make sure she was getting through what had become a
devastating blow to her heart. Not knowing whether or not her
beloved had been shot, or lay dying.
Her relief
abundant, her heartbreak mended when she saw Luka burst through
the ER doors, trying to save his patient. She had no time to
explain, to tell him she was sorry, he ran through with Joshua
Black, confident of who he was, and what he was, and that getting
out of the ambulance was the right thing to do.
Charged with
spunk and relentlessness, Jude would demand the attention from
the one she loved. She manipulated his eyes with her sensuality.
He was a vision, just as she remembered him, laying naked next to
him and watching him sleep. He looked tired and worn, a beard
visibly growing on his chin.
He noticed her,
noticing him. Their eyes meet, their hearts touched, their souls
entwined.
****
**”May
he not give the angels a moments peace. Today we give Joshua to
God, and he takes upon him a honorable man, who sits beyond God’s
door praying on the heavenly cross for the salvation of those of
us left behind.” Mrs. Simone Black**
****
Kerry found Jude
in the stairwell crying. Her reunion with her lover had not gone
as she had hoped. He had spoken no words to her, only
disappointment showed in his eyes. He walked out of the trauma
room and left her standing there as she had done to him only 6
weeks before.
“I would
give it all up in a heartbeat to have it back.” Jude cried
as Kerry held her in her loving arms.
**‘The
white fist of her father blinded her with one punch to her face.
She became disoriented and fell to the ground where he kicked her
like an animal for answering back.**
Jude
painstakingly pushed the thoughts of her past aside and squeezed
her friend close to her bosom. Grief of a love lost this time had
brought her to this place, not her father.
“I want a
second chance, Kerry. A chance to go back.”
“Sometimes
all you need is that second chance, and sometimes we don’t
ever get it.” explained Kerry, as she held Jude tight, like
a mother comforting a daughter, wanting to tell her everything
would be okay and that Luka would take her back but Kerry didn’t
know the answer to either, “Start from the beginning and
tell me what happened.” Kerry consoled Jude. She wanted to
understand what was going on. Jude hadn’t been open in how
her relationship with Luka was developing, she thought they were
still friends, she had no idea they had past that stage in their
life’s, and that her friend had finally found love in her
life.
“What
happened is, he didn’t want me.”
“I’m
sorry.”
Luka Kovac had
been the best part of her life. He had the kind of eyes that
showed so many untold stories and hid many secrets that Jude felt
he would have shared with her, had she trusted herself enough to
stay. She loved how he tried to decide a lifetime of decisions in
a single moment.
“What did
you do?” asked Kerry, trying to understand, trying to help,
and trying to get Jude through her obvious heartache.
“I got a
room at the Ritz, sat by the pool and drank margarita’s!”
laughed Jude. Things were getting way too serious, and she didn’t
want to talk about it anymore, and share her devastation with
Kerry. She wanted to keep it to herself and wallow in it, “What
do you think I did, Kerry, I let him walk away.”
“Why?”
“I don’t
know, because I’m stupid,” Jude wiped her tears. She
could feel a headache already pumping at her temples, “Because
I was afraid.”
“Afraid of
what?”
“Afraid he’d
tell me it was all a mistake.”
“Are you in
love with him?” wondered Kerry.
“Straight
down to it, huh?”
“Are you?”
“Am I?”
Her past, he was
dead. It was time for Jude to move on and she couldn’t. She
had worshipped the ground her father walked on, and thought he
was God, and now she lived in fear that in giving herself to
another she would be hurt again. In rational mind and clear
conscience, she knew Luka would never hurt her, but they both
were scarce in her life right now, as her soul mourned.
“Tell him
how you feel, Jude. How you really feel.”
“Is it still
snowing outside?” She wanted to talk about something else.
Someone else. Dealing with her feelings and emotions was just too
hard and reeking havoc on her tired heart.
**He went to
her; he had to. He took her into his arms and calmed her with his
soft reassuring words. His huge hands gently took the back of her
head and entwined his long fingers through her hair. He pulled
her head from his chest and fell to her lips. He pressed his lips
down on hers, he separated them with his tongue and explored the
inside of her mouth, and she let him. Dawn arrived too soon; Jude
could still smell Luka’s essence on her skin and in her
hair. Her life had been ravaged with heartache.**
Jude threw her
thoughts of Luka and spending the night with him 6 weeks ago out
of her mind. The more she thought about it and his hands, his
lips, and the love he shared with her, the more she got
depressed, the more she got depressed the more she wanted to cry.
She knew if she really started crying she would never stop, and
she no longer thought she even cared if she didn’t.
“You’re
changing the subject.”
“Is that
what I’m doing?” It had stopped snowing, winter almost
over, and a new season beginning.
“Are you?”
“In love
with him!”
Kerry was quiet.
She didn’t want Jude to have to be going through this
torment in her life and she honestly didn’t know how to help
her through it. Jude often kept her feelings bottled inside and
it was only when she let them out did Kerry know the full extent
of her tragedy or triumph, and Kerry was instantly saddened to
think they had shared more tragedy then triumph in their lives
and in the friendship they shared.
“I don’t
know. I never thought it would bother me too much to go through
the rest of my life alone, and now I think spending the rest of
my life with a man I love is the only thing that matters.”
explained Jude. She needed to find the undiscovered potential of
herself and fight for what she wanted. The freedom to love and
live without hurt and sacrifice. The will to overcome her fears.
The power to make a life with the man she loved.
“Do you?”
asked Kerry.
“ Think?”
teased Jude. She knew what Kerry meant.
“Want to
spend the rest of your life with Luka?”
“I want to
spend the rest of my life with a man that I’m so in love
with that I would die for him. I look at him sometimes, Luka I
mean, I look into his eyes, and I forget everything. Who I am.
What I am. What I’m suppose to be doing. Does that mean I
love him?”
“Does it?”
“Why do you
keep answering a question with a question?”
“Why do you
avoid answering them?”
“I can’t.”
Jude never told
Kerry about her conversation with Jenny. She hadn’t thought
about it much herself like she thought she would have. The events
of the day surely helping. Events that had suddenly made her life
a lot harder to live.
“Why not?”
“I’m
afraid of what the answer will be.”
“So you are?”
Kerry was glad. Jude deserved to be happy.
“I didn’t
say that.”
“So your
not?”
“I didn’t
say that either.”
Kerry sat in
silence, praying she could get her closest friend through her
latest ordeal, and her despair. She could already see Jude
building another shield around herself, and she would be there to
knock it down. She would show Jude that sometimes sacrifices
needed to be made to be happy and the harder the sacrifice the
better the happiness.
“I’m
terrified of how I feel when he’s near to me and when he’s
not. I’m petrified to death of the way he looks at me
sometimes. I feel like an idiot when I walk past him for no other
reason at all except to breathe him in. An hour ago I thought he
was dead and my life was over, and I stood in that trauma room
and he was so beautiful and I stood there looking at him and was
completely lost. It was almost like knowing what heaven is,”
Tears came to her eyes, she could no longer hold them back, her
voice choked with desperation, “It’s stupid.”
“No it’s
not,” offered Kerry softly.
“I felt
stupid. I made a complete and utter fool of myself, Kerry. I didn’t
do anything. I just let him walk away. I was so scared to let
myself be so unguarded.” She caught her breath. She didn’t
want to go on. Was this to be her life? Heartbreak? Tears? Luka
Kovac not in her life?
“Is that
what this is about? You’re afraid to allow yourself to be
open? You look over your shoulder hoping to God he doesn’t
get in?”
“I can’t
sacrifice myself, Kerry.”
“Yes you
can, Jude. You can love and you can lose love and it can hurt and
you can suffer but that’s life.”
“Life sucks.”
Jude often never heard Luka’s words, she saw them in his
eyes and they had been closed to her and she felt it was all her
own fault.
“The hurt
and the suffering, the woes of love is the way we know we’re
alive, if we didn’t we could be dead and we wouldn’t
even know it. Don’t you want to know what it’s like to
live? To love? To be in love with him?”
“I want
things to go back to the way they were.” Jude wondered if
she would ever get what she wanted. Right now, she didn’t
think she would. 6 weeks ago, she thought she would have gotten
everything. A new love. A new life, and the only man she knew she
had ever truly loved in her whole existence. Now he was nowhere
close, and she could not reach out and take him into her arms,
and love him for her eternal life.
“I’m
sorry, Jude, but things aren’t ever going to go back to the
way they were.”
“Story of my
life.” Jude cried.