Part 10 by Vicki
Morning Jude! wished Chuny as she placed her bag up on to the bathroom sink, and began fixing her makeup, thankfully pulling Jude out of her nightmare with Jenny Adams.
Gday Chuny. replied Jude, choking on her words, and clearing the lump in her throat. She held back the tears. Jenny Adams was out of her mind for the time being, but she knew shed be back before too long.
Are you okay?
Yeah Im fine. Late night, thats all, Chuny smiled in appreciation, she knew what late nights did to you. She reapplied her lipstick, as Jude grabbed her bag off the floor, she didnt have the strength for conversations right now, Ill see you out there.
Jude was gone. She planned to put her stuff away and get straight into seeing patients. She didnt want to have to stop and think. She didnt want to have to stop and deal with her breaking heart. She wanted to keep busy and not think about her life and how it sucked right now. She took the Asthmatic in exam room 2, and couldnt keep her thoughts away from the back of her mind.
**She needed to not be afraid to breathe without him. She needed to not be scared to go on with life without him. She needed to know it was all right to love and be loved and not to be terrified to lose it to heartbreak.**
He was the dreamer of her dreams. The sculptor of her future. The molder of her society. She was his singer; he was her song. When he cut her, she bled, when she pinched him he screamed. The bright flame that had flickered in her life for the past 5 months had gone out. In one single dark moment, and by a conniving cold-hearted bitch, love was taken from her. Judes breaking heart and suffering soul flew straight past the stars directly into heaven, where Gods precious hands grasped them. He gently took them into his bosom, and with the angels singing a harmony; the heavens welcomed them with a wide and graceful embrace.
Luka felt a sabbatical away from the hospital was the only way that would help him get over a young woman who he felt no longer loved him. He was wrong. He saw her face everywhere, heard her voice, and remembered her gentle touch. He felt through all that had happened between them, their friendship was torn and thats what he regretted. He knew he would always love her. He wanted to love her. He wanted her in his life, but if he couldnt have that, what he wanted more than anything, was her friendship. Someone to talk to, someone who listened. He wanted them to be good friends who trusted each other. Who were there when time and predicament needed them to be. Who inspired a passion in each others work and life.
His sanity was reckoned with every second of the day, as it seemed to slowly pass. He could feel Judes presence in his heart and he lived captivated by it and by her. She had such an inner beauty and inner strength that came across to anyone who met her and now they ravaged his mind as Pam took the corner, taking them to their next emergency. A young boy with multiple gunshot wounds.
They had no time to waste. They had no time for mistakes. They had only one choice and Luka made it. He was a rebel, a revolutionist, sometimes a troublemaker, and this was going to get him into trouble, he could feel it in his bones.
This is 374 Victor Adam, come in County. yelled Pam into her radio.
Go ahead, 374 Victor Adam, this is County, replied Dr. Green, answering the call. Mark, Kerry, Randi, Lydia, and Malik stood in the reception area waiting to hear word on what Pam was bringing in. The call wasnt clear and static interfered with the reception, Repeat 374 Victor Adam. said Mark. They had no idea what was going on, or what the paramedics were caught in. The guns shots rang through the radio and brought a look of surprise to all their faces.
Theres a boy, multiple gsw, hes in the middle of the street. yelled Pam.
Get back in the rig! echoed another voice in the background. They couldnt tell who it was. It sounded like Garcia, Pams partner, but the doctors and nurses of County couldnt be sure.
Whats going on, Pam? The panic in Marks voice was clear. All they could hear in the ER were gunshots and voices yelling in fear. They had no idea who was shot, how many had been shot, and who was getting out of the rig when they werent suppose to be.
Hes got out the rig to try and get the kid. Theyre shooting at them, explained Pam, Luka, get back in the rig.
Mark looked at Kerry. Kerry looked at Mark. Kerry put her feelings aside and took charge. Malik, Lydia, get the trauma rooms ready.
You got it, agreed Malik, he took off with Lydia following behind to get the ER ready for multiple traumas.
Randi, page Dr. Benton, get him down here. Randi got straight on it.
Pam, wheres Luka now? How many down? questioned Mark. The radio was dead. No one answered. Pam was too caught in what was going on around them, the gunfire, breaking glass, and taking cover from bullets being fired at the ambulance. It was like a war zone. Gang members shooting at the Police, the Police shot back. Paramedics Pam and Garcia, and Dr. Luka Kovac caught in the crossfire. Pam gripped the radio so tight in fear her knuckles were white. She held down the button and Mark and Kerry could hear everything.
What do you think? asked Dr. Carter.
Lets get someone from Ortho to take a look at him. replied Jude. They stopped at the reception area. Carter needed to check something on the computer. Jude rubbed her last patients name off the admit board, and instantly noticed the fear on Kerrys face, and so did Carter.
Whats going on? They didnt want to tell them until they knew more, Dr. Weaver, Dr. Green? pushed Carter.
374 Victor Adam are caught in the middle of something. They could hear screaming voices, and gunfire, and then silence, occasionally a shot was fired off.
Get back in the rig? yelled Garcia another time, hoping it convinced Luka to get back into the ambulance. It didnt.
Who got out of the rig? inquired Carter. Jude knew. Kerry told her from her eyes, and she brought herself closer to her friend.
Who is it, Kerry? whispered Jude, hoping it wasnt who Kerry told her it was. Kerry worried if she said it, it would bring him bad luck, so Mark said it for her.
Luka. Jude tried to hear over the noise of the ER, but she could not pick up Lukas soft reassuring voice. Someone yelled she thought it was Luka, it wasnt, her mind distressed, her heart racing.
The gunshots rang out and echo through the radio, glass broke, and the radio instantly went dead. In one single dark moment Judes heart died. Kerry took her shaking hands into her own calm ones, hoping to steady Jude on her feet. In his gallant attempt, Luka tried to save the young boy shot and laying in the middle of the street amidst the surrounding gunfire, and the doctors in the ER could do nothing but listen to it all unfold.
Now and again private and personal fused together. Once and awhile tensions blew. Past and present opinions and misinterpretations exploded. Tempers and selfishness once or twice drilled straight to the bone. Feelings sometimes were hurt and discouraged. Stating the obvious occasionally caused bitchiness and backstabbing, and arguments not very often overshadowed maturity and reason. A council of men and women governed in pride and in integrity within the boundaries of County General, each with their own strengths and weaknesses, their times of triumphs and heartbreak and hardships. They were a disciplined paramount assembly of people whose every detail was accounted, every move dictated. Incompetency and giving up was not tolerated. Teamwork and team loyalty was accredited and often relied on. Their principles encouraged at every possible moment. They embarked upon the journey that entailed them to save a life, provide aid to the injured, and comfort the dying. Its what they did and they did it well. They did it with colleagues. They did it with friends. In an instant God was summoned, prays were made, lifes were asked to be spared from death, lifes of friends that hang in the balance.
I had to save the boy. argued Luka in his own defense. Joshua Black died from multiple gun shot wounds in the trauma room only ten minutes before. Kerry took it upon herself as both superior and a friends protector to yell and scream at Dr. Kovac, and make him understand what he put his friends through by breaking protocol in getting out of the ambulance.
You put your own life at risk, and then what would have you done for the boy! Kerry screamed, standing in the middle of blood soaked dressings and clothes, trying to get her point across to the stubborn Croatian.
It was a chance I had to take, Kerry. The boy was dying, fought Luka, It was my job to save him. His voice drenched with anger. He had done all he could to save the boy, and they were criticizing him.
It was your job to stay in the God damn rig. Kerry yelled. She walked out and left Dr. Kovac to his thoughts. She had to check on Jude, and make sure she was getting through what had become a devastating blow to her heart. Not knowing whether or not her beloved had been shot, or lay dying.
Her relief abundant, her heartbreak mended when she saw Luka burst through the ER doors, trying to save his patient. She had no time to explain, to tell him she was sorry, he ran through with Joshua Black, confident of who he was, and what he was, and that getting out of the ambulance was the right thing to do.
Charged with spunk and relentlessness, Jude would demand the attention from the one she loved. She manipulated his eyes with her sensuality. He was a vision, just as she remembered him, laying naked next to him and watching him sleep. He looked tired and worn, a beard visibly growing on his chin.
He noticed her, noticing him. Their eyes meet, their hearts touched, their souls entwined.
**May he not give the angels a moments peace. Today we give Joshua to God, and he takes upon him a honorable man, who sits beyond Gods door praying on the heavenly cross for the salvation of those of us left behind. Mrs. Simone Black**
Kerry found Jude in the stairwell crying. Her reunion with her lover had not gone as she had hoped. He had spoken no words to her, only disappointment showed in his eyes. He walked out of the trauma room and left her standing there as she had done to him only 6 weeks before.
I would give it all up in a heartbeat to have it back. Jude cried as Kerry held her in her loving arms.
**The white fist of her father blinded her with one punch to her face. She became disoriented and fell to the ground where he kicked her like an animal for answering back.**
Jude painstakingly pushed the thoughts of her past aside and squeezed her friend close to her bosom. Grief of a love lost this time had brought her to this place, not her father.
I want a second chance, Kerry. A chance to go back.
Sometimes all you need is that second chance, and sometimes we dont ever get it. explained Kerry, as she held Jude tight, like a mother comforting a daughter, wanting to tell her everything would be okay and that Luka would take her back but Kerry didnt know the answer to either, Start from the beginning and tell me what happened. Kerry consoled Jude. She wanted to understand what was going on. Jude hadnt been open in how her relationship with Luka was developing, she thought they were still friends, she had no idea they had past that stage in their lifes, and that her friend had finally found love in her life.
What happened is, he didnt want me.
Luka Kovac had been the best part of her life. He had the kind of eyes that showed so many untold stories and hid many secrets that Jude felt he would have shared with her, had she trusted herself enough to stay. She loved how he tried to decide a lifetime of decisions in a single moment.
What did you do? asked Kerry, trying to understand, trying to help, and trying to get Jude through her obvious heartache.
I got a room at the Ritz, sat by the pool and drank margaritas! laughed Jude. Things were getting way too serious, and she didnt want to talk about it anymore, and share her devastation with Kerry. She wanted to keep it to herself and wallow in it, What do you think I did, Kerry, I let him walk away.
I dont know, because Im stupid, Jude wiped her tears. She could feel a headache already pumping at her temples, Because I was afraid.
Afraid of what?
Afraid hed tell me it was all a mistake.
Are you in love with him? wondered Kerry.
Straight down to it, huh?
Her past, he was dead. It was time for Jude to move on and she couldnt. She had worshipped the ground her father walked on, and thought he was God, and now she lived in fear that in giving herself to another she would be hurt again. In rational mind and clear conscience, she knew Luka would never hurt her, but they both were scarce in her life right now, as her soul mourned.
Tell him how you feel, Jude. How you really feel.
Is it still snowing outside? She wanted to talk about something else. Someone else. Dealing with her feelings and emotions was just too hard and reeking havoc on her tired heart.
**He went to her; he had to. He took her into his arms and calmed her with his soft reassuring words. His huge hands gently took the back of her head and entwined his long fingers through her hair. He pulled her head from his chest and fell to her lips. He pressed his lips down on hers, he separated them with his tongue and explored the inside of her mouth, and she let him. Dawn arrived too soon; Jude could still smell Lukas essence on her skin and in her hair. Her life had been ravaged with heartache.**
Jude threw her thoughts of Luka and spending the night with him 6 weeks ago out of her mind. The more she thought about it and his hands, his lips, and the love he shared with her, the more she got depressed, the more she got depressed the more she wanted to cry. She knew if she really started crying she would never stop, and she no longer thought she even cared if she didnt.
Youre changing the subject.
Is that what Im doing? It had stopped snowing, winter almost over, and a new season beginning.
In love with him!
Kerry was quiet. She didnt want Jude to have to be going through this torment in her life and she honestly didnt know how to help her through it. Jude often kept her feelings bottled inside and it was only when she let them out did Kerry know the full extent of her tragedy or triumph, and Kerry was instantly saddened to think they had shared more tragedy then triumph in their lives and in the friendship they shared.
I dont know. I never thought it would bother me too much to go through the rest of my life alone, and now I think spending the rest of my life with a man I love is the only thing that matters. explained Jude. She needed to find the undiscovered potential of herself and fight for what she wanted. The freedom to love and live without hurt and sacrifice. The will to overcome her fears. The power to make a life with the man she loved.
Do you? asked Kerry.
Think? teased Jude. She knew what Kerry meant.
Want to spend the rest of your life with Luka?
I want to spend the rest of my life with a man that Im so in love with that I would die for him. I look at him sometimes, Luka I mean, I look into his eyes, and I forget everything. Who I am. What I am. What Im suppose to be doing. Does that mean I love him?
Why do you keep answering a question with a question?
Why do you avoid answering them?
Jude never told Kerry about her conversation with Jenny. She hadnt thought about it much herself like she thought she would have. The events of the day surely helping. Events that had suddenly made her life a lot harder to live.
Im afraid of what the answer will be.
So you are? Kerry was glad. Jude deserved to be happy.
I didnt say that.
So your not?
I didnt say that either.
Kerry sat in silence, praying she could get her closest friend through her latest ordeal, and her despair. She could already see Jude building another shield around herself, and she would be there to knock it down. She would show Jude that sometimes sacrifices needed to be made to be happy and the harder the sacrifice the better the happiness.
Im terrified of how I feel when hes near to me and when hes not. Im petrified to death of the way he looks at me sometimes. I feel like an idiot when I walk past him for no other reason at all except to breathe him in. An hour ago I thought he was dead and my life was over, and I stood in that trauma room and he was so beautiful and I stood there looking at him and was completely lost. It was almost like knowing what heaven is, Tears came to her eyes, she could no longer hold them back, her voice choked with desperation, Its stupid.
No its not, offered Kerry softly.
I felt stupid. I made a complete and utter fool of myself, Kerry. I didnt do anything. I just let him walk away. I was so scared to let myself be so unguarded. She caught her breath. She didnt want to go on. Was this to be her life? Heartbreak? Tears? Luka Kovac not in her life?
Is that what this is about? Youre afraid to allow yourself to be open? You look over your shoulder hoping to God he doesnt get in?
I cant sacrifice myself, Kerry.
Yes you can, Jude. You can love and you can lose love and it can hurt and you can suffer but thats life.
Life sucks. Jude often never heard Lukas words, she saw them in his eyes and they had been closed to her and she felt it was all her own fault.
The hurt and the suffering, the woes of love is the way we know were alive, if we didnt we could be dead and we wouldnt even know it. Dont you want to know what its like to live? To love? To be in love with him?
I want things to go back to the way they were. Jude wondered if she would ever get what she wanted. Right now, she didnt think she would. 6 weeks ago, she thought she would have gotten everything. A new love. A new life, and the only man she knew she had ever truly loved in her whole existence. Now he was nowhere close, and she could not reach out and take him into her arms, and love him for her eternal life.
Im sorry, Jude, but things arent ever going to go back to the way they were.
Story of my life. Jude cried.
Back to table of contents
Back to Older fic