Reconcilable Differences
part 35
by Mrs. Eyre
“So, where do you want to eat?””I get to choose?”
”Sure. Anywhere you like.”
“Okay. I know exactly where I want to go.”
”Do we need a cab?”
”No, we can walk.”
”Work up an appetite?”
“Nothing wrong with my appetite, Carter.”
“Well, lay on.”
Companionable silence was something Carter had learned to relish. For too much of his life silences had been dangerous things, filled with guilt or misery or shame, with anger, hurt and resentment. He could be quiet with Deb; and every time he saw her he felt as though he were picking up a conversation interrupted only minutes before.
“And how do you really feel about all this?”
“This?”
“Abby and Kovac.”
“Oh, that. I’m okay, I’m good.”
“Really?” Her smile was a little sly.
“Sure. I mean, yeah, if I had the choice I guess I’d rather not watch. At close quarters, you know, but no, I’m okay.”
“Might not happen.”
“It better, or I’m going to have to shoot them both.”
“It’s quite a transformation.”
“Of what?”
”You. I mean, a year ago you’d have been happy to cut out his heart with a spoon. Pretty obvious you’ve never liked him.”
”I don’t not like him.”
“Right.”
“No, well, yes, I won’t deny that at one time the whole heart and spoon scenario would have been very appealing.”
”But?”
”Well, you know, your perspective changes.”
“Abby’s too by the sound of it.”
“Everybody’s. Relativity and all.”
”Please tell me you’re not going to quote Einstein at me.”
“No, it’s a good analogy, actually. Things look one way when you’re one place and then you move slightly and everything looks different. What was right looks wrong and – and - “
“You don’t have the first idea about relativity, do you?”
“Of course I do. Rudimentary maybe but sound for all that. Well, me and Abby moved. In fact the only thing that pretty much stayed put was Kovac. Abby and me got out of alignment and it all got – “
“Are you going to start on the Harmony of the Spheres next?”
“You hum it and I’ll play it.”
“You have an overdeveloped sense of metaphor, Carter.”
“I know. I can’t help myself. Do you suppose I have latent literary talent?”
“No.”
“Well, give it to me straight. The thing is I’ve been working my ass off. Meetings, therapy, more meetings, trying to understand. Trying to grow up I think.”
”Is it working?”
”I don’t know. What do you think?”
“I think I’d need to study the subject more closely before I could offer an informed opinion.”
Carter felt his scalp prickle at that. Was she flirting with him in earnest, or was this just her usual teasing? He ploughed on.
“I know that part of the whole thing is being able to forgive myself.”
”For what?”
”For surviving Bobby. For Lucy. For not – dealing. I’m starting to really understand that sometimes you just have to let go.”
“I know.” She said very quietly.
“Oh, God, Deb, I’m sorry. I wasn’t – “
“It’s okay, Carter. I don’t think anyone understands what I let go better than you.” They walked on in silence. Carter wondered if he should take her hand or lay an arm across her shoulders. In the end he did neither.
“Do you like Kovac?” he asked suddenly.
“Me? I don’t know him well enough to say. He’s always seemed like a decent man. But - - - “
”What?”
“It’s sort of hard, knowing what happened to his family. Not that I know properly what did, except they died. Do you know what happened?”
”Yes. Can I – can I tell you some other time? I mean, we’re out on the town and I have to tell you, that story’s a bit of a downer.”
“Sure. So, how’s your mom?”
”Oh, classy segue!”
“No, I mean – I thought things were better.”
“They’re less fraught. Is that better?”
“I don’t know. My parents and me, we’re – polite.”
“Well, yes, our kind of people – we do polite very well.”
“Well, sometimes parents can be a terrible disappointment to their children.”
“Sing it, sister. How much further to this place?”
“Here we are.”
“Here? Wow.”
”You said I could choose.”
“So, what’ll you have?”
”God, I can never choose in these places.” Said Carter, staring at the menu.
“Go for something at random.”
“No, you pick something and I’ll have the same.”
“And you’re paying, right?”
”Absolutely. Anything you want.”
“Okay. I’ll have a Big Mac, large fries and a large diet Coke.”
”Make it two.”
“And I’ll want a Macflurry afterwards.”
“I know what this is. You think because I’m buying you dinner I’m going to make a move on you and you want to make sure you’re up on the deal.”
“No, no, I’ll pay next time.”
”Next time?” he asked after the smallest of pauses.
“What, you don’t want a next time?”
“Are you – flirting with me?”
“Oh God, Carter, listen to yourself. Of course I’m flirting with you.”
“Real flirting, not just - - - “
“How far up your ass has your head been recently?”
Carter shook his head. “Deb – “
“Jing-Mei.”
“Not Deb? Not even for me?”
She shook her head. “Time to get real, Carter. If it’s Deb Chen you want you’re a couple of years too late.” He considered this for a while before asking.
“Do you mean all this?”
“What do you want me to do, set it to music?” Another silence.
“Jing-Mei, there’s something I need you to know.”
“Oh?” Her voice was bright, but she wasn’t smiling now.
“The thing is, I – I really prefer Burger King.”