Reconcilible Differences
part 28
by Mrs. Eyre
They travelled up to Zagreb together,
sweltering on the train, uncommunicative and prickly. He
was aware of Ivica watching him nervously and wished he’d
come alone. They’d been into Vodice for the festival
of Our Lady Of Carmel and what should have been a carefree
and light hearted day had been weighed down with the unspoken
awareness of the journey they were to undertake the following
day. Luka had his suspicions that his father had tried to
talk Damir into going with him to Vukovar and had been aware too
of his brother’s silent resentment. The fact was he
didn’t want anyone with him there, whether to witness his
pain or the lack thereof. And now he must spend a week in
Zagreb in his father’s chaotic apartment, must visit Damir’s
family and be polite to the old family friends he knew his father
would insist came to see him, his son, the doctor.
And then … what? Only now did he
stop to wonder whether the whole trip home hadn’t been a
mistake. If nothing else he had become aware of the
monumental unchangeability of his father, of Damir. And at
the same time he felt that he had himself changed beyond all
recognition. The thought of standing over the graves in the
cemetary in Vukovar and feeling nothing threw him into a panic he
found hard to contain, a panic which now made his heart beat
uncomfortably fast and brought lines of anxiety to his
brow. He was aware, from the corner of his eye as he stared
from the window at the farmhouses and orchards, that his father
was rolling another of his innumerable cigarettes.
“Do one for me.”
“Sure?”
”Sure.”
“Have this one.” Ivica
leaned forward and lit the cigarette and paused before saying
“They say the weather will break soon. Thunderstorms
over Zagreb.”
”Well, I can’t say I’m sorry. This is a
nightmare.”
“It’s the same in Chicago.”
”How do you know?”
”I check in the papers. I like to know what kind of
weather you’re having.”
”You’re kidding.”
”No. You’re surprised?”
”Yes.”
”Well, anyway, your Abby is suffering too. Have you
called her?” Ivica already knew the answer.
“No.”
”You should. Maybe she’s waiting to hear from
you.”
”I sent a postcard from Vodice.”
Ivica snorted with derision. “Well,
I’ve never met her but if she’s a woman worth the
name that’s not going to do it.”
”Do what?”
”Get her waiting at the airport when you get back.”
Luka fought down his irritation. “How
do you know that –“
”Oh, Luka, stop it! You’re not getting any
younger, neither is she and I don’t suppose she’ll wait
forever. You’re not such a great catch that you can
afford to string her along.” Ivica had to suppress a
smile as he said this. Wherever they went women looked at
his son and he had no doubt at all that they’d regard
him as a catch worth having. He didn’t know about this
woman in Chicago of course, and though Luka had seemed sure of
her at the beginning of his stay Ivica was aware that the long
absence may have weakened his resolve.
“Risk it, boy or give it up
altogether, but stop torturing yourself like this. It’s
not necessary. That’s her job.”
Ivica’s apartment smelt of dead
flowers. The offending items drooped in filthy brown water
on the piano which had been his wife’s but which no-one now
could play. Luka stepped around stacked canvases in the
second bedroom and dropped his bags on the bed before returning
to the living room.
“You said you’d clear the second
bedroom.”
”I did!”
”I can hardly get to the bed.”
”Oh, here. I meant in Vodice. I didn’t know
you’d be coming here, did I?” Luka picked up the
vase of flowers and in the kitchen searched unsuccessfully for a
dustbin liner into which he could empty them.
“When did you last clean in here
Tata?”
”Don’t start.”
”I’m not, I’m just saying – “
”Well don’t.” Ivica had flung open the
windows to catch the cool breeze. “The woman from
downstairs comes in once a week but I told her not to bother
before I went down to Vodice.”
”Why?”
”Because,” said Ivica as though Luka were stupid,
“I don’t want her in here when I’m away. I’d
have to give her a key and then she’d … get ideas.”
”Ideas? Are you and she – “
”Eh, now and then. But she’s very dull and not at
all pretty.”
>You’re not that pretty, you’re
not that special<
>I’m pretty enough in the dark, though, aren’t
I?<
“That’s not very --- honourable.”
“Neither is she, boy. Come on, we
have to go shopping. I have no food in the house. You
can buy me a drink and tonight we’ll go round to Damir’s
and Tatijana will cook us dinner.”
”I she expecting us?”
”No. But she will be.”
”Will be?”
”When I ‘phone to tell her we’re coming.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ivica lay on his back in the middle of
the cluttered living room whilst six year old Josip sat on his
chest and attempted to beat out his brains with an inflatable
hammer. Anna had blushed furiously when Luka said hello and
kissed her and had spoken not another word to him all evening.
She had her mother’s blond prettiness, but 9 year old
Magdalena was as dark as Luka and, he thought, as headstrong,
arguing with her parents and showing flashes of wit not unlike
Ivica’s and far in advance of her years. The
logistics of getting the children into bed had made Luka’s
head ache with only Anna seeming more than willing to escape
their visitor. While Tatijana did battle with the remaining
two Luka left his father and brother to their coffee and went
into the kitchen to start on the dishes.
“Leave it, Luka, Tatijana will see to
it.”
”She will not.” he replied.
“America has made him soft.” said
Ivica.
“I heard that.” Luka replied from
the kitchen.
Engrossed in his task he was startled when
he felt an arm curl around his waist.
“You didn’t have to do this.”
”Of course I did. You cooked.”
”You don’t suppose you could get Damir trained, do you?”
”No, actually, I don’t.” He paused. “I
used to do it … before.” Tatijana nodded.
“So, Damir tells me you’re going
up to Vukovar.”
”Yes.”
”When will you go?”
”Saturday, I thought.”
”You driving?”
”No. There’s a train at 7.30 in the morning.”
”You checked it out?”
”Didn’t need to. Tata knows the timetables off by
heart.”
”You’ve heard about his plans to move down to the coast
next year.”
”Yes.”
”What do you think, Luka?”
”What do I think? I don’t know. It’s
what he wants.”
”But so far away from the children --- there’ll
be no-one left here soon.”
“Thing change, Tatijana.”
”I know, but --- “ She was silent for
a moment, drying plates and stacking them. “Damir says
that you have --- that there might be --- someone for
you in Chicago.”
“There might be. I don’t
know.”
”If there’s a chance Luka you should take it. You
know it’s what Danijella would have wanted for you.”
”I know.” He stopped and turned to her then. “It’s
why I have to go to Vukovar. To make it real, you know?
I don’t think it’s ever been real, like we’re just
separated. But I’m afraid.”
”Of?”
”What if I don’t feel as I should?”
”How should you feel?”
”I don’t know. That’s my problem.”
He was frowning a little, like a schoolboy puzzling over his
arithmetic.
“You feel what you feel, my dear.
It’s been a long time.”
“I know. But what if I don’t
feel --- enough?”
“That’s not possible. And
you need, what is it the Americans say, closure.”
”I want closure, not severance.”
“You’ve already worked out that
you need to go there. Just do it, Luka. Put yourself
out of your misery. It will be all right.”
”You think so? You think it’s the right thing to
do?”
”I do.”
”They don’t.” he said, nodding in the direction of
the living room.
“Eh, two Croation men; what do
they know?” She winked at him then and the sheer
incongruity of the gesture made him smile. “We’ve
missed you, Luka.” She continued, softly. “Damir
misses you.”
”Damir doesn’t seem to even like me very much.”
”He loves you. And he hates you. You just left.
I remember Vodice. He was in agony for you. We all
were. And you just left us. Like another death.
We were grieving for them too, Luka.”
“I know. I couldn’t stand
your grief and mine too.”
”I understand. He loves you, he does. He just
needs you to love him back. He’s a good man.”
”Yes.”
”And so are you.”
”I don’t know about that.”
“You
are. But your father --- he’s past hope.”
Luka laughed then and drew her into his embrace. She looked
up at him and smiled. “Don’t let him catch you
doing this or Cain and Able will be nothing to it.”