AGAINST HOPE

by:  PEBBLES

Part 10 – Conclusion

~~^~~^~~^~~^~~^~~

Kerry sat at Luka’s bedside – alone, except for the frequent comings and goings of the ICU nursing staff.  Her eyes were open and fixed on Luka’s face but for sometime she had ceased to actually see him.  Fatigue and anxiety had taken their toll and, although not asleep, Kerry had drifted into a kind of stupor; her mind going over and over the events of the evening, imagining the pain and the cold that Luka had endured after falling down the ravine.

It bothered her that he had not yet regained consciousness.  As a doctor, she knew it was quite common for a patient to be slow to come round after severe hypothermia and she couldn’t deny that all his vital signs were good.  But still, she couldn’t help worrying that the last time he was conscious he was in a state of despair – not knowing that help was near at hand.  If only he knew that he was safe now.

“Kerry.”  Carter’s soft voice interrupted her thoughts.  She turned to look up into his concerned brown eyes, still not really snapping out of her reverie.

“Doug has taken Dr Corday back to the hotel,” he continued.  “They’ll come back in the morning – or rather, later today.”  He looked at his watch to see that the night was technically over although the sun had not yet risen over the hills to the East.

“Right.”  Kerry eventually spoke.  Carter sat down beside her.  For a long while they just sat side by side, staring at Luka’s inert body; the only sound from the medical machinery that beeped and whooshed in the background.

“I don’t think I can take much more of this.”  Kerry murmured.  Carter didn’t respond, waiting to see if she was going to elaborate.  “I just want this year to end.”

“Yeah, it’s been a bad year.”  He agreed shaking his head sadly. 

“I know this sounds pathetic.”  Kerry paused, trying to find the words to express herself.  “But, I guess I see you all as - kind of, my family.”  A small, strangled laugh escaped her lips at how sad this sounded.  A lonely old spinster with nothing except her work to care about.  “Believe it or not, I’m not the uncaring bitch everyone takes me for.”  Tears began to well up in her eyes and she wished she had never started this conversation.

Sensing her distress, Carter put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her gently towards him so that she could rest her head on his chest.  Kerry did not pull back but took her time trying to calm herself.  Finally she continued – still resting against him.  “I just couldn’t bear to see you hurt, John.  Not being able to help you – letting you down.” 

“You didn’t let me down, Kerry.”  Carter hugged her a little tighter. 

Kerry ignored his protest.  “To lose Lucy, to watch you suffer and…and now Luka.” She sniffed loudly.  “I don’t think I can take anymore.”

“You care about Luka.”  It was more a statement than a question.

“I care about all of you.”

“But, especially Luka?”  Carter was not letting her deny it this time.

“I…I don’t …”  Kerry’s voice faltered.

“Come on, Kerry.  We’re a long way from Chicago.  Anything you tell me – I promise it won’t go any further.”  He almost held his breath, sensing somehow that Kerry needed to let her feelings out. 

“I didn’t plan for this to happen John.  I mean - I wasn’t looking for it.  I’ve just… I’ve just gone and fallen completely in love with him and I…”  Tears were flowing freely down her face now and soaking into Carter’s shirt.

“Hey – it’s okay.”  Carter stroked her hair, feeling her shaking with emotion as she fought to regain control.  “It’s okay.”

“But I don’t want to feel like this – I feel so…so vulnerable.  What if he doesn’t…”

“Hey,” Carter cut her off  “Don’t you do that to yourself, Kerry!”  He turned his face to stare into her eyes.  “You’re a beautiful woman Kerry Weaver.  If Luka doesn’t see that, then he’s not the man I thought he was.”  He smiled at the disbelief in her face.

Kerry actually blushed and couldn’t think of anything to say.

After a while Carter plucked up courage to quiz her further.  “So, when were you first smitten by our Dr Kovac?”

“I’m not sure – it kind of crept up on me, unawares.”  Kerry managed a smile now.  “The day I hired him – when he wasn’t worried how much I was going to pay him – just said that I would be fair.  He kind of made the first breech in my defences then.”  There was a long silence whilst she thought back over the year that she had known Luka Kovac.

Presently Carter noticed that her breathing had become deeper and slower – she had fallen asleep.  He smiled.  He would never have believed that she would confide in him about her feelings and he was determined to honour his promise and keep this to himself.

~~^~~^~~^~~^~~^~~

The first thing that Luka was aware of was the warmth that enfolded him.  There was no pain either, just the discomfort of a tube down his throat.  Without even opening his eyes he knew that he was in a hospital bed.  He felt strangely detached and felt no real compulsion to open his eyes at all.  He listened to the sounds of the machines and worked out more or less accurately what each of them was doing.  After a while he drifted off to sleep – he was so tired. 

Half an hour later he awoke again.  This time, he opened his eyes straight away and was gratified to see that his initial assessment had been correct.  He glanced around the room – his attention first caught by the contraption that held his leg.  Perhaps they had made a good job this time.  It would be an unexpected bonus if he could lose the slight limp his first fracture had left him with.  No doubt there would be weeks of physical therapy to get through first.

Luka’s eyes fell next on the couple sleeping in the chairs beside his bed.  His eyes widened when he realised who they were.  They were both asleep.  Kerry was snuggled up close to Carter with her head resting comfortably on his chest.  Her hand, with its fingers spread wide, rested on the young doctor’s abdomen.  Carter was sat with his long legs stretched out and his right arm wrapped around Kerry, holding her protectively – his head resting against the top of hers.  Luka studied their sleeping features for a long time before turning his head away to stare at the ceiling.

A tight feeling constricted his throat – so real that he almost began to gag on the tubing.  He forced himself not to look at them again.  How could he have been so blind?  Thinking back, an image of them dancing together at the wedding came into his mind and he remembered how good they had looked together: Kerry in that enticing silk dress; John, young and virile, supporting her as they glided across the floor.  Dovraga!  How could he have not realised?

Luka lay for a long while just looking at the ceiling, trying to convince himself that he didn’t really have feelings for Kerry - that he had just gotten carried away by the occasion.  Weddings had that effect on people – it was well documented.  But, however hard he tried to mentally reassemble his armour, it just kept on falling away again.  The smell of Kerry’s perfume still filled his senses and the memory of how her body felt through the thin silk of her dress taunted him.

His torture was interrupted when a nurse entered the room.  She went first to check on the various monitors and his IV bags and Luka quickly shut his eyes.  He didn’t feel ready to rejoin the human race just yet.  He had wounds to heal and they were not just physical.  But there was to be no peace as the nurse gently tried to rouse him.  He could ignore her questioning but when she went to open his eyelids he could no longer play dead.

“Oh, Dr Kovac!”  The nurse was taken aback when he suddenly opened his eyes.  “You’re with us again!”  She smiled broadly  “How ya’re feelin’ my luver?”  Her westcountry accent was as soft as honey.  

Luka nodded slightly, not able to talk with the tube still in place.

“All right, my luver.   I’ll just go and get the doctor for you.  We’ll soon have you feeling more comfortable.  Now, don’t you go anywhere – I’ll be right back.”  And she bustled out of the room.

Kerry woke up with a start as the door banged shut behind the nurse.  Her eyes flew straight to Luka and she sat up, shrugging out of Carter’s embrace.  “Luka?”  Was he awake?  She struggled to her feet.  Her crutch was out of reach but she managed the few steps forward to the bedside.  Leaning against its rails she at last caught Luka’s gaze.  His eyes had been fixed firmly on the ceiling.

She smiled at him, not trusting herself to speak.  Some colour had returned to his face and to see his beautiful eyes again was a joy.  Before she could summon up the courage to say anything more, the nurse was back, closely followed by Mr Brodrick’s houseman, Mr Singh.  Kerry stepped back to allow them to do their work.

“Ah, Dr Kovac.  Let me just check on your progress and then maybe we can extubate you – huh?”  Luka followed the young houseman with his eyes as he checked the monitors and read over the chart at the foot of the bed.  “Yes, this is all looking good.  I don’t need to tell you the drill for this, do I?  We’ll do it on three – okay?  One, two, three… ” 

Luka urged as the tubing was withdrawn from his throat but soon felt better.  He gratefully accepted the small sip of water that was offered.  He then lay back and listened to the full rundown of all the procedures that had been performed on him by a rather excitable Mr Singh. 

“Now, Dr Kovac.  I have talked enough.  Is there anything that you want to ask me?”  Singh eventually ground to a halt.

“Thank you, no.  I think you have covered everything.”  Luka coughed a little to clear his throat. 

“You’re on quite a heavy dose of morphine, for now.  We’ll review it later in the day.  But there’s no point in you suffering unnecessarily, is there?”  Singh smiled

“No, I agree with you on that one.”  Luka managed a small smile in return.  He turned his head to the side to look at Kerry.  Carter was awake, too, now, but had remained seated.

“Hi.”  Luka smiled at his friends.

“Hi, yourself.”  Kerry pulled a little lopsided grin.  “You gave us a nasty scare, you know.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that.”  Luka raised his eyebrows in a kind of apologetic look.  “How’s Doug?”

Kerry bit back the first response that came to mind.  “Oh, he’s fine.  As a matter of fact he’s just driving Elizabeth back to the hotel.”

“Elizabeth was here?”  Luka furrowed his brows.

“Yes.  You’d better thank her when you see her.”  Kerry smiled at Luka’s look of confusion.  “It was she who revascularised your leg.”

“Oh no!  It’s meant to be her wedding night!” 

Luka looked so upset that Kerry took hold of his hand and squeezed it lightly.  “Look, she really wanted to help.  We all care about you, you know.”

Luka looked deep into her eyes.  She had said ‘we’ not ‘I’.  Her compassion was clear but it was that of a friend.  He chided himself – he should not complain - it was good to have such friends.  He smiled wearily, feeling the effects of the morphine and the residual anaesthetic still in his system.  His eyelids were so heavy.  It was too much effort to resist.  Sleep washed over him like the relentless tide.

~~^~~^~~^~~^~~^~~

“Damn it, Robert.  You’ll just have to manage!”  Kerry sighed with exasperation.  Perhaps it had been a mistake to wake the Chief of Staff in the middle of the night – Kerry was too fatigued herself to have remembered the time difference.  She knew that under any circumstances he was not going to be best pleased to hear he would be short of two attending physicians as well as his chief of the ER.  At three a.m. the news was doubly unwelcome.

“You will get yourself back here, Kerry, by Monday morning – or don’t bother coming back at all!”  Robert slammed down the phone on his nightstand, knocking over his glass of water in the process.  “Fucking Hell!” He shouted into the dark.

Kerry stood holding the receiver for almost a full minute before replacing it in its cradle.  She walked wearily back down the long corridor.  Every inch of her being cried out that she wanted to stay with Luka and yet the small voice of reason, which had always been her guiding force nagged away.  You can’t put your job at risk over a fantasy, Kerry.  Don’t make a fool of yourself.  Get out now before you get hurt.  By the time she had got back to Luka’s room the voice of reason had won.

Carter turned towards her as she entered the room.  He raised his eyebrows in anticipation of some news. 

“I got through okay.  We’ll have to fly back this evening, as planned.”  Her voice was small and defeated.

“Romano wouldn’t cut you any slack?”

“I didn’t really expect him to.”  Kerry sat down heavily.  “Why don’t you go and get yourself some breakfast.  There’s a cafeteria on the ground floor.”

Carter began to protest.  “Why don’t you come too?”

“No, I think I’ll just shut my eyes again.  You can bring me back a coffee if you like.”  She rubbed her eyes. 

“See ya then.”  Carter was gone, guessing that she would like to be alone with Luka.

~~^~~^~~^~~^~~^~~

Kerry noticed the moment that Luka’s eyelids fluttered open.  She waited patiently for him to come around.  As if he sensed her eyes upon him he turned his head almost immediately towards her chair.  He gave her a sleepy smile, which melted her heart.

“Good sleep?”  She asked.

“Mmmm, great – thank you.”  His voice was rough with sleep.

“How are you feeling?”

“Okay.  I don’t really feel anything – thank goodness.  They must have given me plenty morphine, huh?”

“Yes, it’s quite a large dose.”  Kerry found her lips curving into a smile at the sight of his unshaven face and unruly hair.  Damn, he looked so gorgeous even in this unkempt state!

“Could you get me a drink of water, Kerry?”  Luka asked, after a long but comfortable silence.  “My mouth tastes really bad.”

Kerry moved immediately to fill a glass from the pitcher and then held it to his lips.  His right hand closed over hers to help guide it to his mouth.  The light pressure of his fingers on hers nearly caused Kerry to spill the lot.

“Is that enough?”  She murmured. 

“Thank you, yes. Ugh!”

“What’s the matter?”  Kerry noticed him grimace.

“Nothing.”  Luka shook his head, a sour look still on his face.  “I just feel slightly nauseous.” 

“Shall I call for Mr Singh?”

“No, it’s nothing really; probably just the anaesthetic.  It’ll wear off soon.”

Kerry looked doubtfully at him but convinced herself that he was the best judge of it – he was a doctor after all.  He had shut his eyes again so Kerry crutched over to the window to check out the view.  The day was turning out to be fine with a watery blue sky streaked by just a few high wispy clouds.  The morning sun did not promise much warmth but it was a huge improvement on the fog of the previous day.

“I have been thinking.”  Luka’s voice startled Kerry as she had thought he had gone back to sleep.  “About Elizabeth.  I feel really bad that she came away from her marriage bed.  Mark will never forgive me.”

Kerry almost laughed aloud at his old fashioned ideas.  “Don’t worry about it.  What are friends for?  Anyway, if Mark gets mad at anyone it will be Doug Ross for carrying on in that ridiculous way!”  She almost snorted with indignation.

“You don’t like Doug, do you?”  Luka ventured cautiously.

“No.  There’s no point pretending I do.”  Kerry stopped herself from piling further insult on the Ross name.

“My first impression was not good, I must say.”  Luka paused to help himself to another sip of water from the stand.  “But he took good care of me, Kerry, and, well, I don’t mind admitting it, I got to like him quite a lot.”  He licked his lower lip thoughtfully.  “I think I would have given up if he had not cheered me along.”

“But he acted like a… a dinosaur!”  Kerry was outraged that Luka was letting Doug off so easily.

“Maybe.  But I think, given the same circumstances, I might have done the same.”

“He nearly killed you!”  Kerry couldn’t help her voice rising a few decibels.

In contrast Luka’s voice was soft and low.  “It takes two to make a fight, Kerry.  I should not have lost my temper.  Besides, he didn’t push me.  I just lost my footing.”

Kerry said nothing for a moment – taking all this in.  She didn’t feel it was right to get into an argument with Luka now over Doug Ross’s merits – given his present weak state.  It would be best to change the subject.  “I’ve spoken to Romano already – so he knows you won’t be back for some time.  John and I will have to fly home tonight, though – he didn’t think he could manage without us!”

Luka glanced over at her – a far away look in his eyes.  “Is it Sunday already?”

“Yes. Time flies when you’re enjoying yourself.”  Kerry’s attempt at humour fell fairly flat.

Luka reached to take another sip of water, the nausea still bothering him.  As he lifted the glass from the stand it slipped through his fingers and fell with a crash to the floor.  Fortunately, it was made of plastic and didn’t break. Kerry jumped with surprise and hurried to his side.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I don’t know…it just slipped.”  He looked as startled as she was.

“Don’t worry about it.  I’ll call the nurse to clean it up.”

Luka reached out to touch her arm.  “Don’t call her yet.  Please.  I like just talking to you."  Their eyes met and Kerry’s heart leapt up in her throat again.  Remembering the spilt water, she tore her attention away from Luka for a moment to shove the stand over the puddle.  It wouldn’t do for her to slip in it and end up a patient as well.

Looking back at Luka she noticed that he was frowning.  “Are you all right?  Do you still feel sick?”

“What?”  Luka looked confused by her question.

“Are you nauseous still?”  She asked again, alarm bells going off in the back of her head.

“Yes.”  He nodded and wished he hadn’t as another wave of nausea overtook him.  He pressed his lips together, not wanting to be sick.  He wasn’t feeling very good at all.  Kerry’s face seemed to swim in front of him.  He blinked his eyes to clear his vision but this time he was alarmed to see she had a second pair of eyes superimposed upon her face.  He shut his eyes tight.

“Luka!”  Kerry’s voice was sharp.  “Open your eyes.”  He obeyed, although the fuzziness around her face made the nausea even worse.  She was concerned to see the rather wild look in his eyes.  His pupils were quite widely dilated and, she leaned closer, one was just slightly larger than the other…

“Luka!”  She took hold of his hand again.  “Squeeze my hand as hard as you can!”  She felt his fingers move but his grip was almost imperceptible.  “Harder!”  She commanded but he was not able to obey.

“Have you got any pain in your head?”  Her voice reached Luka’s ears but he could not for the life of him, work out what she meant.  “Of course, the morphine would mask it!”   She answered herself.  Reaching over, she pressed hard on the alarm button.

“Hold on Luka – please – hold on!” 

~~^~~^~~^~~^~~^~~

As Carter strolled back towards the ICU he noticed quite a commotion ahead.  Quickening his stride a little, he soon saw that it was, indeed, centred on Luka’s room.  As he reached the door, he had to step back as Luka was wheeled out into the corridor.  Once glance confirmed that he was unconscious and had been intubated.

“John!”  Kerry was standing in the middle of the now empty room peeling off a pair of latex gloves - her face white. 

“What happened?”  In two strides he was at her side offering his arms in support.  She leant against him gratefully.

“It looks like a subdural hematoma.  The CT will confirm it.  Then he’ll go straight to surgery.”  Kerry forced herself to remain calm.

“A craniotomy?”

Kerry just nodded in reply. “I’m going to stay, John.  You’ll have to go back without me.”

“What about Romano?”  He was not surprised by her decision.  He couldn’t see Kerry leaving before Luka came round from his surgery.

“If he won’t do this for me then he can stick just his job where the sun doesn’t shine.”  Getting angry at Romano was guaranteed to make her feel better and Kerry managed to smile.

~~^~~^~~^~~^~~^~~

When Luka finally came round from his second surgery in twenty-four hours it was evening again.  This time he felt plenty of aches and pains.  The pain in his leg and his head competed for his attention.  He couldn’t remember what had happened exactly except that he had been feeling really sick.  Thankfully that was the one thing that wasn’t bothering him now.

He was raised up in a semi-sitting position and a cautious exploration with his right hand revealed a large dressing on his head.  His other hand was trapped and when he looked to his left he saw the silky copper tresses of his favourite doctor draped over the blanket.  Kerry had rested her head on the side of the bed and fallen asleep with his hand held in her own.

Without really thinking, he reached over with his right hand and stroked her hair.  It felt so soft between his fingers.  He didn’t even stop when he felt her stir.  Only when she lifted her head, did he take his hand away.

She looked sleepily into his eyes.  Her face was a little puffy from being pressed against the blanket but to Luka, she looked irresistible.

“Thank you for staying.”  Luka had already worked out that her flight should have left by now, as it was dark outside.

“I couldn’t leave you.”  There was something in the way she said it that gave Luka courage.  He reached over again and took her hand.  Lifting it he pressed it lightly against his lips.  He closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in the perfect fragrance of her skin.  When he opened his eyes again there were tears pouring down Kerry’s cheeks.

“Kerry?” His voice was thick with emotion.

“Oh, Luka!”  Kerry stood up and impulsively threw her arms around Luka’s neck, burying her face in his chest.  She sobbed noisily for some time before at last composing herself enough to speak.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered against his chest. Then she suddenly pushed her self off him.  “Oh, my God. I’ve not hurt you, have I?”  Realising that she had lain against his dislocated shoulder.

“It’s okay.”  He grinned  “Nothing that a kiss wouldn’t make better.”  There was a mischievous glint in his eyes.

Kerry’s eyes widened as she realised what he was suggesting.  She lent forward and pressed her lips chastely against his.  She held her breath.  Just as she began to pull away Luka wrapped his good arm around her and pulled her close.  Their lips met again and this time there was nothing chaste as their mouths moulded against each other in a long languorous kiss.  

THE END

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