AGAINST
HOPE
By
PEBBLES
AUTHOR’S
NOTES: This was written about a year ago. It’s
set after season 6 and goes off into my own fantasy of what might
have happened about six months after Carol left. All events
of seasons 7 & 8 are therefore ignored – including the
revelation about how Luka’s wife and children died and Kerry’s
bi-sexuality.
PART
ONE
~~^~~^~~^~~^~~^~~
Luka leant
heavily against the doorframe, half in and half out of the room.
For a moment he fought the urge to withdraw and find a quiet
corner in the bar but he hadn’t come all this way just to
drink alone. Somewhere among the crowds of wedding guests filling
the hotel reception room were his friends. His height gave him
quite an advantage in scanning the room and it wasn’t long
before he spotted Carter, way over the other side.
Carefully, Luka
began to make his way across the room. Groups of people parted
before him, the tall Croatian doctor cutting an imposing figure
clad from head to foot in a dark pewter grey Versace suit. He
mumbled apologies and thanks in turn as he negotiated his way,
avoiding nudging wineglasses or stepping on toes.
“Hey Carter!”
He announced his arrival “It’s getting pretty cramped
in here”
“Luka, you
made it. Thought you’d got stuck in the lobby.” John
Carter smiled, relieved that he was not going to have to
entertain Kerry alone.
“Where’s
Kerry?” Luka inquired.
“She’s
over there – congratulating the bride and groom.”
Luka followed
Carter’s gaze to where the wedding party was gathered. There
was no mistaking Elizabeth Corday-Greene resplendent in ivory
silk, her auburn hair piled on top of her head and adorned with a
cloud of voile. Beside her stood Mark, looking both proud and
uncomfortable in his morning suit; the cravat riding high up his
neck and the wing-collar tickling him under the chin.
“They make a
lovely couple, don’t they?” Carter commented.
Luka didn’t
answer, lost for a moment in his thoughts. How could you attend a
wedding and not remember your own wedding day? The setting, the
customs may vary in their details but ultimately the essence of
the matter – the bride and groom making their vows to each
other in the presence of their friends and family - it was the
same. After the ceremony, Luka had excused himself to take a walk
in the fresh air. Although it was mid-November, the day was mild
and the colours of the moors quite breath-taking. It had taken
him a while to regain his composure which was why he had only
just now rejoined the others.
Meanwhile, Kerry
Weaver was deep in conversation with Elizabeth. ”I’m
afraid my mother has gone completely over the top. I don’t
even know half of the people here! I have managed to get her to
seat you all together though and quite near to the top table.”
Elizabeth was apologising.
“Don’t
worry about us. We’re having a wonderful time. This is
your special day. You enjoy it,” Kerry reassured her.
“I must say this is a beautiful place. I’ve never
been to England before. I had no idea what to expect.”
“Well, this
is just one small part but Dartmoor has always been a special
favourite of our family and we actually used to come to this
hotel for our holidays when I was a child.” Elizabeth
frowned briefly. “I am sorry that we couldn’t get
you rooms here for tonight but the Holne Chase Hotel is really
very nice and only about ten miles away.”
“Now,
Elizabeth, stop worrying! We’re fine. Really, I
ought to let you greet the rest of your guests. I’ll
let the others know where we’re seated. See you later!”
Kerry kissed the taller woman on the cheek. “And you
look wonderful!”
“Thank
you!” Elizabeth mouthed.
Kerry worked her
way back across the room to where she had left John Carter and
was pleased to see that Luka had joined them. “Well I
found out that were going to have the meal in a marquee just out
the back there.” She gestured to the other side of the
crowded room. “And were all seated together quite
close to the wedding party.”
“Well done
Kerry. Got us all organised then!” Carter teased her
gently.
Luka smiled, too,
noticing that Kerry was blushing slightly – something he’d
never seen her do before. He thought that she was looking
quite stunning in a lilac silk dress with tiny spaghetti straps.
And, despite Carter’s remark, she had in fact been
remarkably laid-back throughout the weekend trip. She had
even let Carter take charge of arranging the flights and car
rental, which was why they had ended up with a Fiat Punto –
surely the smallest car Luka had had the misfortune to try and
fold his legs into.
“It looks
like people are beginning to make their way to the tables now.
Shall we join them?” Kerry suggested. Luka just nodded
in agreement. He and Carter followed her out through the
double doors and into a vast marquee, which was almost filled
with circular tables. The wedding party was seated at a
rectangular table, which was slightly elevated on a plinth.
At the opposite end, there was an area for dancing and an array
of instruments was awaiting the arrival of the band.
After a quick
perusal of the place markers, Kerry found their table, which was
set for five people. Glancing at the other settings, Kerry
emitted a sharp intake of breath.
“What is it?”
Carter looked at her curiously.
“I had no
idea!” She exclaimed. “Elizabeth didn’t say
anything…”
Carter leant over
and read the place cards that Kerry was staring at. “Doug
Ross and Carol Hathaway!” He exclaimed. “I didn’t
see them at the ceremony.” He glanced over at Luka to
see his reaction. Luka’s expression was unfathomable.
“Well this certainly is a surprise. I wonder where
they’ve got to?” Carter kept up his monologue.
Kerry sat down in
the chair that Luka had pulled back for her, hanging her crutch
on its arm. “I can’t believe it’s six months
since Carol left. The girls must have grown a lot. Perhaps
they couldn’t come after all…” Kerry’s
voice trailed off, as she realised that she was babbling. Luka
did not appear to be affected by the revelation. She was
not sure how she expected him to react. After Carol had
left, he had certainly gone through a particularly low patch but
she was still not sure how much that had to do with Carol and how
much it was due to other events at work.
Luka studied the
flower arrangement at the centre of the table intently. He
was aware that the other two were feeling uncomfortable on his
behalf. He smiled to himself, strange how concerned they
all were about the state of his heart after Carol had dumped him
when they never seamed to give a second thought as to how he had
coped with the loss of his wife and children. He couldn’t
blame them for that, as most of them knew little or nothing about
his previous life. He preferred it that way after all.
Very soon, a bevy
of waiters and waitresses were swarming between the tables with
the first course. Luka poured the wine, which was a very
fine Chablis, and they tucked into blinis with smoked salmon and
cheddar cheese. “God, I was starving!” Carter mumbled
between mouthfuls.
“Mmmm, me
too and this is very good,” Luka agreed. Kerry looked
from one to the other and smiled. She was not going to get
much conversation out of these two until they had filled their
stomachs.
“Maybe if
you had reserved the hire car in advance we might have had time
to stop for breakfast,” She chided Carter gently.
A hand on her
shoulder startled Kerry. Looking up, she met the soft brown eyes
of her former charge nurse, Carol Hathaway. “Carol! It’s
so good to see you!” Kerry pulled herself to her feet and
opened her arms to embrace her friend.
“It’s
good to see you, too, Kerry. How are you?” Carol gave her a
brief hug. “Carter!” Carol moved round to embrace the
young doctor who she had not seen since before his sojourn in
rehab. “You’re looking good!” She kissed him
on both cheeks.
“You’re
looking pretty good yourself!” He countered, admiring the
elegant dress she wore which showed off her figure. No one
would guess that she were a mother of 12-month-old twins. Carol
then turned her attention to Luka, who was on his feet beside
Carter.
“Luka!”
Carol smiled up into his face. Luka just opened his arms
and enfolded her in a tight hug. For a moment she buried
her head in his chest and then lifted her face to look at him.
Luka bent slightly and kissed her gently on her forehead.
“I am glad
to see you.” He said at last, his voice even. A warm
smile on his lips.
“Hey Doug!”
Carter was the first to greet his former colleague, who had just
reached the table. “Long time, no see!”
“Carter!”
Doug shook his hand vigorously, simultaneously slapping him on
the shoulder with his other hand. “Christ Carter, Carol told
me about, you know…umm. You’re looking good man!”
The older man pulled Carter into a tight hug, trying to express
how glad he was to see him looking so well again. Then they
broke apart looking both happy and embarrassed by the show of
emotion.
“Doug”
Kerry interrupted the display of male bonding, offering her hand.
Doug took it and raised it to his lips, kissing it briefly.
He gave her one of his trade mark wicked smiles. “Kerry, you
look ravishing!”
“Thank you
Doug, you don’t look bad yourself.” She smiled
momentarily then turned to Luka. “Doug, you haven’t
met Luka Kovac. Luka, this is Doug Ross.”
There was a
moment of silence whilst the two men appraised each other. Luka
was the first to offer his hand. “Pleased to meet you
Doug.” The name sounded strange on his lips.
“Yeah.”
Doug shook his hand, trying to be civil but failing to disguise
his unease. He couldn’t help noticing the way the man had
embraced and kissed Carol just now.
Carol was very
aware of the tension between the two men. “Shall we sit
down?” She suggested. Luka automatically pulled out Carol’s
chair for her and then Kerry’s. Doug took note of this as he
sat down between Carol and Carter. Having seen the ladies
seated comfortably, Luka caught the attention of a passing
waiter.
“Excuse me,
these guests have only just arrived. Could you see that
they get their first course?”
“Certainly
sir.” The waiter rushed off to do his bidding.
At last, Luka sat
down between Carol and Kerry. He offered to fill Doug and Carol’s
glasses. “Thank you, Luka.” Carol accepted the wine.
Doug shook his head. When the waiter returned with their food,
Doug asked him to get him a Jack Daniel’s from the bar. Luka
noticed that he didn’t ask if anyone else wanted to place an
order.
The conversation
soon got going as Doug and Carol made friendly enquiries about
various friends from the County ER. “Haleh took some
persuading but she finally accepted the position of Charge Nurse.”
Kerry was saying.
“And she’s
taken to it like a duck to water!” Carter laughed,
recollecting how she had already got all the residents under her
thumb.
“Doug and I
are staying at the Holne Chase Hotel.” Carol commented
“Yes, we are
too.” Kerry rejoined.
“You are?
Right. Well, we hadn’t realised how far it was from here
and, although I’d arranged to have someone mind the girls
there, it took us longer to get away and we got lost. I
just can’t believe we came all this way and missed the
actual ceremony!”
Doug just
shrugged. “Well, we’re here now, aren’t we? Maybe
Mark and Elizabeth didn’t notice!” The main
course was now being served and Doug leant back in his chair to
catch the arm of a passing waiter. “Yo, buddy, get me
another Jack Daniel’s will you?” This time he
remembered the others. “Anyone else want something from the
bar?” There were no takers.
“So. Are
you guys here just for the weekend?” Carter asked Carol.
“No. We
plan to take a tour of the south-west. We’ve got a week, so
we hope to get to Lands End, see the Mayflower steps at Plymouth
and then move up to Bath and Stratford-on-Avon before flying home
from London.”
“I wish we
had time to travel a bit but we could only get away for 48 hours.
After all, with Mark, Luka and myself here – it leaves
County a bit short of Attendings!” Kerry shrugged.
Doug glanced
across at Luka. “You’re an ER Attending?” It was
the first remark that he had made directly to Luka.
“Yeah, that’s
right.” Luka nodded.
“Oh! Strange
Carol never mentioned you.”
Kerry shot a
glance at Carol who was studiously playing with the food on her
plate. Luka had visibly stiffened. Only Carter seamed
unfazed by the comment. “Yeah, Luka’s been with us
since, what, last fall?” He looked at Kerry and Luka for
confirmation. Kerry nodded. Carter went on. “It was
Luka who brought Carol in when she was in labour. Christ that was
scary – I’ll never forget that day!” He shook his
head as he recalled the scene outside in the snow, as Luka
dropped to his knees, an unconscious Carol in his arms. “Yeah,
lucky for Carol he was there – not many men could have
carried her in like that!” Just as he finished Carter
realised that he had probably made a faux pas.
There was a long
silence. Doug glared at Carol who kept her eyes down on her
meal. Luka poured each of them another glass of wine before
draining his own glass. Kerry pushed her chair back. “I’m
just going to go find the ladies room.” She looked
meaningfully at the other woman. “Carol?”
“I’ll
come with you, Kerry.” She rose and followed Kerry who
seemed to be leaning more heavily on her crutch than before.
“Have you
not mentioned Luka to Doug at all?” Kerry laid straight in,
as soon as they entered the ladies room.
“No, I
…” Carol tried to gather her thoughts. “I
guess I meant to but it never came up and, well, I guess after a
while it didn’t seem very important.” Her look belied
her words.
“I’m
surprised at you Carol. You’ve always played
everything straight in you professional life. This doesn’t
seem like you.” Kerry was obviously disappointed in her.
“I
suppose I never thought they would meet. I didn’t know
he was going to be here!” Carol became defensive.
“And it’s not as if anything happened between us,
anyway!”
Kerry looked
surprised at this revelation. “Didn’t it?”
“No! Well, I
kissed him once and he kissed me once! It was
hardly ‘an affair’!” Carol was adamant.
“Well, I
guess your going to have to convince Doug of that!” Kerry
couldn’t keep the anger out of her voice. There was no
doubt that the relationship had meant more to Luka than Carol.
Sometimes she just wanted to grab hold of the younger woman and
shake her. Didn’t she realise what she had? Doug was
not Kerry’s idea of an ideal partner but he was the father
of Carol’s children and obviously loved her. Luka had
obviously fallen under her spell as had other men in the past
– was she trying to alienate them all?
Kerry sighed.
“Well, were going to have to make the best of it as were
stuck together for the next few hours.”
“I’m
sorry Kerry, I never imagined…” Carol shrugged.
“It’s
Luka you should be apologising to! And Doug.” Kerry
added as an after thought.
The two women
used the toilets and then touched up their hair and makeup in
silence. Finally, Carol spoke. “You look really beautiful in
that dress, Kerry.” The older woman blushed, all her
irritation with Carol evaporating despite herself.
“Thank you!
I bought it especially for the wedding.” Carol gave her a
sidelong glance. She had never seen Kerry look anything like this
before. It wasn’t just the dress, which was incredibly
feminine and sexy, or the carefully applied make up. She
was kind of sparkly. Her eyes shone. Perhaps she had
new contact lenses?
When the two
women finally rejoined their table the band had begun to play and
two or three couples were already dancing. Doug had left the
table to chat with Mark and Elizabeth, leaving Luka and Carter
alone.
“Carter,
would you indulge an old lady and take her for a spin around the
dance floor?” Kerry tried to inject as much
cheerfulness in her voice as possible.
“Yes, yes of
course Kerry. It would by my pleasure.” He was
on his feet straight away, relieved to take a break from the
stiff atmosphere at the table.
As soon as they
had gone, Carol turned to Luka. “I’m sorry Luka.
I didn’t mean to…to cause you any embarrassment.”
She hesitated, searching for the right words. Luka
interrupted her train of thought.
“So you didn’t
tell him about me?” It was more a statement than a question.
Carol shot him a glance.
“No, I…
I didn’t. There wasn’t a right moment and then,
well, there was not much to tell.” Carol winced as she
spoke, realising that Luka might not agree.
“You were
probably right.” His words surprised Carol. “It
was not really ‘a relationship’ was it? Just the
potential for one – on my part anyway.” Luka’s
eyes looked a little wistful as he remembered the time she had
kissed him whilst waiting for the car to be towed away. He
shrugged. “It is in the past – let’s leave
it there, yes?”
Carol smiled with
relief. “I think that would be best.” They sat
for a moment in silence.
“So, how are
the girls? It must be their birthday soon.” Luka
restarted the conversation.
“Yes, next
week. I can’t believe it’s been a year. So
much has happened.”
“And you
have no regrets – about moving to Seattle?” He
studied her face as she answered.
“No, none at
all. I guess I was pretty stupid to hold out so long.
I’m sorry if I hurt you in the process but I really did
appreciate your friendship.”
“Me too. And
you didn’t do me any permanent damage.” He laughed.
“I have more friends now. Mark started being nice to
me after you left! He and Elizabeth kept inviting me out
for meals – I had to give in eventually! I don’t
think Peter Benton and I will ever see eye to eye but, on the
whole, I feel like part of the family now.” He gazed
across the room to where Kerry and Carter were dancing.
He felt a
tightening in his throat as he watched them move across the
floor, clasped together – Carter supporting Kerry so she
could leave go of her crutch. They made an attractive couple.
He thought that he would like to hold Kerry like that, feel the
lightness of her body pressed against his. His wandering
thoughts were rudely interrupted by the return of Doug to the
table.
Ignoring Luka
completely, he asked Carol to dance with him. As they moved
towards the dance floor he began to quiz Carol about Luka. “I’ve
been finding out a bit more about your Dr Kovac from Mark. Funny
you didn’t mention him to me.” He spun her around
and then pulled her tight towards him.
“There wasn’t
much to say, Doug. We were friends. He helped me out
sometimes with the girls. End of story.” Carol hoped
that this would be enough but at the same time doubted it. Doug
had been drinking steadily since they arrived at the reception
and she knew him too well.
“Yeah, so
what’s all this about him fixing your water heater?”
Doug’s tone was still smooth but Carol was wary.
“Just that.
It broke. He fixed it. Really, Doug, you’re trying to
make something out of nothing. He’s a very nice man
and he misses his family.”
“Oh yeah!
So he was trying to muscle in on you and the girls!”
“No Doug.
He’s not like that. Look, can’t you just leave it
and enjoy the evening? It’s a long time since we went
out dancing.” She stroked the nape of his neck and for
a while he seamed to relent.
Meanwhile, Mark
and Elizabeth, who had just returned from the dance floor, joined
Luka at the table. He stood up and formally congratulated
Mark on his marriage. “I’m sorry I didn’t
speak to you earlier but there was such a crowd back there.
I couldn’t get anywhere near!”
“Yeah,”
Mark replied “for a while I thought we were going to
get crushed in the stampede!”
Elizabeth joined
in “Well, now that everyone has been fed we can relax
a little.”
“Mark, could
I have your permission to dance with your bride?” Luka
grinned, softening the formality of his request.
Mark smirked and
turned to Elizabeth. “Well, you did promise to obey
me, right? Go dance with Luka then, wench!” Elizabeth
pretended to look outraged but slipped her arm through Luka’s
and let him lead her back to the dance floor. He took her
hand in his and placed his other on the small of her back,
manoeuvring her assuredly amongst the other couples on the floor.
“You didn’t
mention that you had invited Carol and Doug Ross” Luka
brought up the subject calmly.
“I’m
sorry, Luka. Mark wanted them here very much but I was
afraid you wouldn’t come if you knew.” Elizabeth’s
apology sounded sincere. “Would you have?”
Luka thought for
a moment. “Yes, I would have. Carol didn’t
break my heart you know. I wasn’t in love with her
then and I’m not now – despite what everyone seams to
think.”
Elizabeth
frowned. “But you can’t deny that you were upset
after she left?”
“No, but it
was more complicated than that. I admit that I did feel
romantic notions about her. It was the first time that I
had felt anything since my wife…” He broke off
searching for words to express what he felt. “I made
myself vulnerable and afterwards I tried to shut myself off
again.” He smiled down at Elizabeth. “But
you wouldn’t let me!”
“Damn right
we wouldn’t!” Elizabeth looked up into her friend’s
face. “We all need friends. We couldn’t let
you suffer alone.” Luka held her a little more tightly
as they glided around the dance floor.
“Perhaps you
should have let Carol know I was going to be here.” He
continued. “It appears that she had not told Doug anything
about me.”
“Oh!”
Elizabeth was surprised.
The music stopped
for a moment. The band had finished their first set and now a
disc jockey took over the entertainment. Luka thanked
Elizabeth for dancing with him. Carter and Kerry joined
them at the side of the dance floor. “How about we
exchange partners?” Carter suggested.
“If you’re
not too tired, Kerry?” Luka enquired.
Kerry was
feeling a little sore after dancing through three numbers with
John but she wasn’t going to pass up a chance to dance with
Luka so easily. “No. I’m fine, really.”
Elizabeth and
Carter were already back on the floor. Luka took Kerry in
his arms, carefully supporting her right side so that barely any
weight bore down on her bad leg. Her left hand, he clasped
in his own, marvelling at how small and delicate her fingers
were. Neither spoke for a long time. Kerry kept her
eyes focussed on the top button of his jacket and then shut them
completely, enjoying the sensation of almost floating on air.
The song was an old Joan Armatrading number from the 70s - ‘Willow’.
As Kerry listened to the words, she thought that she would
remember this moment forever.
…You’ve
got something missing?
I’ll help
you…you can be sure.
And if you
want to be alone,
Someone to
share a laugh
Whatever you
want me to
All you’ve
got to do is ask.
“You’re
very quiet Kerry.” Luka’s voice was very soft,
close by her ear.
“Yeah, just
listening to the words.”
“Mmm, me
too.”
…Come
running to me
When things
get out of hand.
Running to me
When it’s
more than you can stand.
I said I’m
strong…..
Willing
to be a
shelter
In a storm
The last few bars
of the music played out and Kerry reluctantly came back down to
earth. Although they had stopped dancing, Luka continued to hold
her – just rocking slightly as if to some internal beat.
There was a sudden noise as a chair was scrapped across the floor
and the spell was broken.
“Thank you
Kerry.” Luka was leading her off the floor and back to the
table. She felt she could not trust her voice to reply,
just let herself be led meekly back to the others.
End of Part 1
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