It had been such a long, terrible day and Dr. Luka Kovac was exhausted. Working a full shift, dealing with a double-fatal MVA, having to tell two kids they were orphans- that was bad enough. He had placed that memory carefully in a box, a separate place in his mind where he could lock it away and forget, a place where he kept all remembrances of hate and hurt and guilt. It was almost becoming easy to do- lift the lid a tiny bit, slip in two seared, motherless children, then clamp down the lid and get back to living. He had enough pain of his own; he didn't need to share theirs. He couldn't even touch the children- if he did, the lid of the box might blow off, his world might explode....

The boxes made it possible for Luka to actually enjoy the Valentine's Day party, the ridiculous music, the pizza, the silly dancing of Dave and the nurses- it was fun, really; he was actually starting to feel as if he might belong here. He stayed on the fringes, of course, just watching. Carol had had her cake and headed home to her girls; Luka was tempted to offer her a ride, but he was enjoying the party too much, so he stayed. He watched as people paired off- a couple slipped off down the hall, thinking no one saw them; Benton and Finch were flirting madly- and Luka opened a box of good memories; he had boxes for everything in his mind. Now he thought of Emma, meeting her, flirting, dancing, her blonde hair swirling around him, her voice calling him, laughing, happy.... He was lost in the memory, far from the present, longing for the past.

And then Kerry arrived.

"What the hell is going on around here?" She bellowed, and Emma was gone, back in her box, back to the past. The others were grumbling that Kerry had ruined their party, but Luka was mad because Emma had been right there, so close he could touch her, just one more minute and she would have been in his arms...

And then Luka heard Kerry shriek, an unnatural, primal cry of horror. He had heard it before, too many times, and he was beside her in a flash. The scene in Curtain Three reminded him of Croatia, the bodies, the blood all misplaced here where it should be safe, a nightmare come to the ER. Instantly he had swung into action. Carter was in bad shape, there was a lot of blood, the wounds were in bad spots. Everyone was feeling guilty about the party, but he silenced them. Besides, they didn't know what guilt was...

They were able to stabilize Carter; John was aware enough to recognize Lucy in the other trauma room before Benton took him to surgery.

And poor Lucy, looking so pale, so frail. Luka went to help Kerry, and the Chief started yelling at him for allowing the party while Carter and Knight were dying; she was harping, harping.

"Let' talk about it later," Luka had snapped, wanting to concentrate on saving Lucy, wanting to Forget the guilt for now. And when Lucy had crashed... Another box, this one without a key, buried deep, next to the others that he didn't dare touch.

He realized that he was at his apartment; he had driven home on autopilot. He found a spot and parked, then sat a moment to collect himself. He couldn't believe that he had let it all happen again, that he hadn't learned his lesson before.

It was almost midnight, he had to be back at work in another six hours- that's why Kerry had sent him home after he'd talked to the police; she'd need him in the morning. Luka dragged himself out of the car and up the steps into the lobby of the apartment house. He almost turned back when he saw Susan and Iris waiting for the elevator, but they'd spotted him and he felt he couldn't escape. They lived down the hall from him, and most nights he would indulge their flirtations- but not tonight.

"Hey," Susan called to him," You shouldn't be so glum! It's Valentine's Day!" The mere thought caused a shudder up his spine; he knew he could never celebrate Valentine's Day ever again. He mentally hammered more nails into the boxes of memories, trying to keep them away. But Iris was looking at him with a wicked grin.

"We could make you feel better, Dr. Kovac," she said with a wink.

"I'm not in the mood," he answered flatly. "It's been a long, bad day." He boarded the elevator, thankful they only had to go three floors.

"We could help you forget it," Susan offered, standing much too close. Luka realized the women were drunk, that's why they were so bold tonight. He tried to ignore them. Iris punched Susan's shoulder and they both started laughing uncontrollably.

"You shouldn't be out this late by yourselves, especially in your condition," Luka told them angrily.

"Oooh," Iris giggled, "The good doctor really does care! And besides, we're not alone. We have you."

"And what could happen to us?" Susan added. "Some psycho's gonna get us with a knife or something?" She made a stabbing motion at Iris' back, and Luka felt he would be sick. The women laughed again, the sound echoing in his head. Thankfully the elevator doors opened, and he virtually lurched to his door. His head was pounding; the vision of Carter and Lucy, lying in blood, exploded from the box, joined by Robbie and Julia and their dead parents. He managed to open his door, he made it inside, then slammed it shut; he could hear Iris and Susan calling him, asking if he was ok, suddenly sobered by his reaction, but he didn't answer. He had to sit; the room spun around him as everything came crashing down; the boxes full of memories exploded in his brain. He could see Emma and Maja and Viktor, tumbled in the grave, bloated, ugly, horrid. He could smell it once again, see what they'd done to his family- and now Lucy was there, too, rotting in the common grave, covered in blood. They all looked at him, crying in unison:

"It's all your fault! You were supposed to protect us, and look what happened! It's all your fault!"

And Kerry's voice came to him as well, accusing him:

"What were you thinking? Having a party while they were in there, dying. Dying!"

Parties and bodies and blood mingled in his mind, then it was just blood and more blood. A giant wave of red came crashing towards him, threatening to destroy him. Luka cried out against it, futilely trying to escape.

"But I didn't know!" He pleaded, "If I had known, I would have stopped it, would have saved them!" But the blood crashed around him, the voices followed him, blaming him.

"It's all your fault. Your fault. YOUR FAULT!" they cried.

Luka forced himself awake, forced himself away from the nightmare. He was still in his scrubs, still smelled of death. He stripped his clothes of and tossed them in the trash; he never wanted to see them again. He climbed into the shower and attempted to wash away the blood that wasn't there, wash away the memories. He scrubbed his hands and arms until they were raw, then scrubbed some more. But still the blood was there, the guilt was there.

He dressed absently, wearing black, of course, then picked up his boots. A mouse poked out from the wall and scurried across the floor. Luka hated vermin of any sort, there had been rats in the grave, chewing, chewing... He used his boot to crush the mouse, smashing it into nothing, then headed to work. Breakfast was out of the question; he had no stomach for anything. Even water seemed to stick in his throat. Today promised to be very bad.

He got to the hospital at quarter to six. The police were still there, still filling out reports; one nodded at Luka in recognition. And the damned Valentine's hearts still hung everywhere; he reached and pulled them down, mashing them into a ball and slamming them into the trash. Randi watched him silently, her eyes haunted.

"Carter's hanging in there," she told him softly, and Luka nodded, not wanting to speak.

"What's wrong with Carter? And what do you have against Valentine's hearts?" It was Carol- she didn't know- she'd left just before Kerry had gotten there. Nobody had thought to call her; she had been home with her babies all night. Randi stared at Luka and started to cry; Carol looked confused, then she spotted the police, the yellow tape around curtain three, and the look changed to fear.

"What happened?" she half whispered, half demanded. Luka took a deep breath and tried to look at Carol.

"A patient stabbed Dr. Carter and Miss Knight while we were having the party. No one heard it, no one saw it. John is in bad shape, the knife hit the kidney, he lost a lot of blood. And Lucy..." Luka's voice trailed off, he couldn't continue, but Carol could read the news in his eyes.

"Oh my God," she gasped, tears welling up in her eyes. She moved toward Luka, but he turned away; his boxes had already exploded, he felt too vulnerable, a touch would bring his world to an end. He headed into the lounge, leaving Carol and Randi at the desk to comfort each other if they could.

Luka hung his coat in his locker and then went to the sink to splash water on his face. He knew he would never get through this day if he didn't get himself under control, if he couldn't build new boxes, and quickly. He heard someone come in, he assumed it was Carol; he kept his back turned and said,

"I'm sorry, I just..." But it was Kerry- she cut him off.

"You're sorry." Kerry berated him. "You're SORRY? Carter's in intensive care, Lucy is DEAD. And why? Because you all decided to have some stupid party!" Luka felt the anger rising in him; Kerry had no idea how he felt, the guilt that was there without her adding to it. He turned to face her, and she stopped. She had seen him look like this once before, the night he had told her about his family. But she was still angry, still had her own pain to deal with.

"You think I don't realize that? You think I don't realize that it was my responsibility?" Luka's voice had a hard edge.

"You're damned right it was your responsibility," Kerry answered. "You were the senior person on duty; it was up to you to keep that party under control."

"It was a party you approved," Luka reminded her, "And you were supposed to be here when it started." He eyed her angrily. "I haven't been here long enough to command the respect of everyone- they were just having a good time."

"A good time while their colleagues were dying, " Kerry spat at him. They glared at each other for a minute.

"It's not their fault," Luka told her. "It's mine- as attending, I was responsible for the safety of all those on my shift. The blame must fall to me, no one else." He looked away, towards the door. "I'll understand if you want my resignation," he offered. He was giving up, and he knew it; the blood was winning, he would have to go away, have to try to find some place safe again. But there where so few places left to run...

"I don't want your resignation," Kerry told him, suddenly worried about his change of demeanor.

"Then you're a fool," Luka told her harshly. A vision of Emma flashed before his eyes, so beautiful, so happy, and he tried to hold the image- but he felt the blood coming and he had to look back to Kerry.

"I was supposed to protect them," he told her bitterly, "But I was too busy. Always too busy- I never even realized they were in danger. And by the time I looked for them, they were gone." Kerry looked at Luka, confused.

"They were supposed to be at the party, but she was seven months pregnant, and the baby wasn't feeling well. I offered to stay home, but she knew I wanted to go, wanted a night to hang out with my friends. So I sat drinking wine and singing songs. 'I won't be too late', I promised. But I was late, too late- they were gone. I was at a stupid party and they were gone." He glared at Kerry, the guilt, the anger rising in him.

"I should have learned my lesson. I should have realized that nowhere is safe, that hate and death are everywhere. But I wanted to believe there could be peace somewhere." Kerry stepped towards him and moved to put her hand on his arm, but he moved away quickly, not wanting her pity

"I should have remembered," he told her with an angry sigh. "But I got careless."

"Luka," Kerry said gently, "It wasn't any one person's fault. You can't blame yourself."

"Try telling *them* that," he spat out, leaving Kerry speechless. They stood a long minute; a hard caste came over Luka's eyes. He was filling the boxes again, soldering them shut this time, burying them deeper, pushing them farther away. He glared at Kerry, vowing to feel nothing ever again.

"I'll stay if you insist," he told her flatly. She looked at him warily.

"I insist," Kerry told him. The look in his eyes scared her. "We need you here." Luka emitted a sort of half-laugh, and shook his head.

"Yeah, right." He got his lab coat and headed for the door.

"Luka-" Kerry stopped him, then hesitated. "You know we'll have counselors if you need to talk to someone..." He shook his head again.

"Sure," he said derisively. He went out the door, wanting only to lose himself in work, to keep the boxes safely shut...

to part 2

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