Cockroach!
By Roberta
Practical jokes are actually rather common on the frontline, among virtually all professions dealing with life or death situations. It’s one way these people can deal with the almost constant stress of their working lives. To outsiders, some of these jokes may seem cold, insensitive, and even cruel. However, these outsiders don’t have to deal with abused and/or dying children, terrible injuries from car accidents or gang violence, rape, poison, illnesses left far too long without treatment due to lack of money or employment, and all the other unpleasant, ugly, and often bloody crossroads of human existence, where humor of any kind, even the gallows variety, may be the only thing holding back despair and burnout. At this particular time, at this particular hospital, there was also a certain amount of depression caused by the recent loss of one very popular and as-yet unreplaced attending physician – and the appointment of another, not so popular individual as Chief Resident.
Archie Morris had only held this position for a matter of weeks, but considering that he had never been particularly well-liked to begin with, his incompetence as a physician combined with his extremely aggravating personality was creating a solid line of opposition among the other ER staff, including the remaining hard-pressed attending physicians, and especially the other residents. Behind his back, Morris was now known as “The Emperor”, due to the way he stalked the department, looking for a resident or intern he could order around or criticize. The only good thing about this habit was that he ended up seeing relatively few patients himself, something just about everyone was grateful for.
All of which made attending physician Luka Kovac very suspicious when he noticed residents Abby Lockhart and Ray Barnett obviously trying to persuade Morris to take a case. Behind them, nurses Chuny Marquez and Haleh Adams were exchanging wry grins, with raised eyebrows, and Frank, the desk clerk, actually had his head down, with his hand over his mouth as though he was hiding a smile of his own.
“Hey, you’re the guy who keeps saying the easy ones can be really deceptive, and this one is kind of a puzzle,” Ray was saying.
“And we’ve all had cases in the last half hour, unlike some people I could name,” Abby added, not looking up from the chart she was assiduously updating.
“Ah, here’s Dr. Kovac. We can just hand this to him to take care of, he probably won’t have any trouble with it,” Ray said, as Luka walked up to the desk.
“There’s no need to bother an attending with a simple earache!” Morris proclaimed, as he grabbed the chart from Barnett’s hand and headed off. He was barely out of sight when everyone at the desk started laughing.
“What’s the bet he’s out of there in a minute flat?” Ray asked.
Before anyone could respond, Luka spoke up. “What’s going on? What kind of earache are we talking about?”
“Well, actually, the patient knows why his ear is bothering him. He says that a bug crawled into his ear last night and he hasn’t been able to get it out.” Abby answered.
“So? Why not just remove the insect, check for bites and allergic reactions, and dismiss? Why push it onto Morris?” Luka asked.
“Don’t you remember his explosion last week, when those two homeless guys came in literally crawling with bugs? He couldn’t get out of here fast enough!” Ray said. “Turns out he’s terrified of bugs, really freaky scared.”
“And you didn’t tell him his new patient believes he has an insect in his ear?”
“Luka, it’s not our fault if The Emperor doesn’t take the time to read the chart first,” Abby said, and another round of laughter hit the desk.
“Just make sure one of you is ready to lend a hand. The poor patient shouldn’t have to suffer for the sake of a bad joke.” Luka tried to make his voice stern and serious, but he couldn’t quite hide the upward turn of one side of his mouth, so he turned superior instead. “All right, I’ll wait here to see if Morris needs help. Abby, take the head lac in 2. Ray, there’s a woman with stomach cramps and high fever waiting in 4. And could the rest of you at least try to look occupied?”
Dr. Morris took a deep breath as he strode into the exam cubicle, to be met by six anxious people, Hmong, if he guessed right. As he drew the curtain around them, he cursed himself for not checking the chart first; he hated dealing with foreigners whose English was less than acceptable. “Well now, Mr., ah, Chou is it?”
A young man of perhaps 20 years was sitting on the gurney, and he answered Morris’s half-question with one of his own, in barely-accented English. “Are you a doctor?”
“Yes, of course I am. Now, you say you have an earache. How long have you had it?”
“It’s not an earache! I told the nurse, there’s something in my ear, and I can’t get it out.” Although the patient spoke English, it soon became apparent that many of his companions, most likely family members, didn’t. They all spoke at once, in varying degrees of intensity, from obviously bored to desperately anxious, all in their native tongue. Fortunately for Morris, the patient himself took over and got everyone to stop talking, so the doctor could complete his fact-finding questions.
“Just what do you think is in your ear?”
“Some kind of bug. I felt it crawl in during the night, and I just can’t get it out. I’m afraid if it gets any deeper … ah, Doctor? Is there a problem?”
Morris took a step backwards, then another, feeling behind him for something he could brace himself against. Dammit, Ray! he thought.
“No, no, there’s nothing wrong, I just need to collect something. Something I’ll need to, ah, take care of this. Excuse me, I’ll be right back.”
Morris stepped out of the area and shakily made his way to a water fountain. What do I do? One of the other guys should be handling this! I’m chief, I can just order one of them to take it.
Even as he had the thought, he discarded it. No, that would just give them something to laugh at. No, I’m going to handle this. It’s just one bug, not like that swarm last week. I can handle one bug. I HAVE handled one bug; I can damn well do it again.
He took several more deep breaths, loosening his tie, opening the top buttons of his shirt, and looking around with what he hoped was nonchalance. Kovac and some of the nurses were still at the desk, and Morris knew they were most likely watching him. Well, damn them all, I’m the Chief Resident! He straightened up, and walked back toward the exam area. Remembering what he’d said to his patient, he looked around rapidly and grabbed a forceps. It would have to do – and he could only hope they wouldn’t realize that there were several others just like it already in the cubicle.
“Well, here we go, let’s just see what we can do here,” he said as he walked in, with false cheer. He picked up a scope, and stood next to Chou. “If you could just tilt your head a little – ah, so the ear with the, ah, thing in it is toward me, please? Thank you; now just hold still for a minute.”
With the scope, the situation was only too clear. In fact, it magnified things just a little bit too much for comfort. Lord, it’s a cockroach! And it’s still alive. Oh God, it’s moving around in there.
Struggling to keep his hand steady, Morris removed the scope and took a firm grip on the forceps. Sorry, Ray, you’ll have to get your laughs somewhere else today. Licking his lips, he once again told the patient to remain still, and reached in with the forceps. He couldn’t see as much as he would have liked without the scope, and there wasn’t much room for him to maneuver, but then, the roach didn’t have much room either. Much faster than he would have believed, Morris had the insect clamped in the forceps and he was withdrawing it from Mr. Chou’s ear.
Smiling, he held the forceps up, showing the still moving insect to the Chou family, crowded around the gurney. “There, nothing to it!” he boasted.
And then the unthinkable happened. The cockroach somehow managed to wiggle its way free, and dropped. Down. Right into the open front of Morris’ shirt.
The resident yelped, dropping the forceps and grabbing frantically at his shirt. Moaning in terror, he fled the exam area, removing pieces of clothing as he went. He dropped his lab coat in front of the desk, and was pulling his shirt off as he bolted into the staff lounge. Perhaps it was fortunate he was far too panicky to hear the laughter of every ER staff member who had caught a glimpse of his frantic escape.
Luka caught his own laughter and turned it into a strange cough. Casting a stern look at everyone else around the desk, he followed the hapless chief resident, stopping to pick up the discarded coat. “Haleh, we’ll need a set of scrubs. Abby, go check on the patient, and make sure he’s okay.”
In the lounge, Morris was standing before his locker, stripped down to his skivvies and desperately looking all over for the now-elusive cockroach. He was still shaking, and Luka felt a flutter of sympathy for him. “Are you all right?” he asked.
“Do you see it anywhere? Is it still on me? The cockroach … there was a cockroach in that man’s ear and I got it out but … it was in my clothes … do you see it? Is it gone?”
“I don’t see it anywhere. It probably fell out on your way in here.” Luka said.
Morris sank into a chair, trying to control his breathing. “I didn’t think Ray would … I thought all that was over! I’m a doctor now, I’m the chief resident, they’re not supposed to do things like this to me anymore. Why did they do that?”
Luka handed a glass of water to the younger man, whose breathing was slowly returning to normal. “They didn’t mean anything. These things happen on quiet days.”
“Well, I’m not going to give them any more satisfaction,” Morris declared. “I won’t let them think I’m a loser.”
“No one thinks you’re a loser,” Luka lied. “It’s just everyone remembered last week and ER people have strange ideas about what’s funny. Laugh with them and it’ll all fly over.”
The door to the lounge opened, and Luka turned, expecting to see Haleh with the scrubs for Morris. Instead, in walked Kerry Weaver.
The Chief of Staff paused abruptly, taking in the strange scene in front of her – her chief resident sitting at a table wearing nothing but his underwear. Morris turned bright red, wrapped his arms around his chest and tried to turn away from her.
“Don’t worry, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” she said, moving to her locker. The look she gave Luka warned him that he was going to have to do some explaining. Haleh came into the room with a set of scrubs in her hands. “I’m assuming those are for Dr. Morris?” Kerry remarked. The nurse wordlessly handed the clothing to the resident and left the lounge. Such things were for the doctors to handle.
Morris struggled into the scrubs, as Luka reached down to pick up his other discarded clothing, shaking the garments before roughly folding them and laying them on the table. Morris grabbed them and forced the pile into his locker. Shoving the locker door closed, he stood there for a moment, obviously trying to decide what his next actions should be.
“You should see to your patient,” Luka prompted gently. “He’s probably wondering what happened.”
“Ah, yes, of course. I’ll do that.” Morris bumped the table, caught himself, and hurriedly left the room. Weaver turned to stare at Luka, who looked down at the floor, biting the side of his mouth to keep from laughing.
Morris was only too aware of all the people watching him as he made his way back to the exam area. He forced himself to walk at a steady pace, with his head up. It could have been any one of them! I was startled, that’s all. It could have bitten me. It could have been carrying who knows what bacteria. It was just a few minutes. I’m back in control now.
The whole Chou family was still waiting by the gurney. Abby was just removing the scope from Chou’s ear. “Everything seems clear,” she said.
“Let me take a look, just to be on the safe side.” Everyone was looking at him strangely, and Morris hurriedly stammered out an apology. “I’m sorry about that. It just caught me by surprise, that’s all. And it felt kind of strange, inside my clothes and all.”
There was a lot of whispering going on among the patient’s family, and some gesturing. They must think I’m crazy or something. “Really, I am sorry if I startled you, but things are back to normal now.” He reached for the scope, and took another few steps toward the gurney.
“Doctor,” Chou said. “I think you may want to check your pants.”
“What?” Puzzled, Morris looked down, only to see the cockroach crawling up his pants leg. Shit! Kovac shook my clothes before he put them on the table. Damned bug must’ve … shit!
Abby was watching him, along with the Hmong congregation. Morris looked around, breathing rapidly, and then a kind of recklessness overcame him. He shook his leg, and when that didn’t dislodge the insect, he lifted his knee and swatted the bug with the back of his hand, this time watching closely as it tumbled to the floor. He was right behind it, and stomped his foot down hard.
“Right. That’s it. We’re all fine now. Let me take one more look at your ear, and then you can all go home.”
In a matter of minutes, the Chou family was making their way out of the hospital. As Morris scrawled a few notes on the patient’s chart, he could sense Abby watching him, and pride made him stiffen his back and lift his head higher. “There, all finished. Oh, except for that,” he swung his head toward the dead insect on the floor. “Get someone in here to clean that up, will you? Can’t have patients thinking we have cockroaches in the hospital. Not very sanitary.”
“No, no, of course not,” Abby muttered, hard put to keep a grin off her face. She reached for some Kleenex, bent down, and collected the debris, dumping it carefully in the waste basket.
In the staff lounge, Luka was trying to explain the incident to his boss, without bringing her wrath down upon Ray, Abby, or himself. “Morris had a patient with an earache. It turned out the man had a cockroach in his ear, and Morris had to take it out, only the bug ended up down his shirt. He doesn’t like insects, I guess, and it was a really big cockroach, and he was desperate to get rid of it …”
“A cockroach. I see.” Kerry closed her eyes for a few seconds. She had heard all about Morris’ rampage the week before, screaming about the swarm of horrible bugs the filthy street people had brought in with them to infest the hospital. She was also only too aware of the tension among the ER staff following John Carter’s departure, and she welcomed any chance to relieve even a small percentage of it. “A cockroach,” she repeated. Suddenly, to Luka’s amazement, she started to laugh.
“I wish I’d seen it!” she cried, leaning against the table. “Morris with a cockroach down his pants.”
Luka couldn’t restrain himself any more, and he laughed along with her. He felt the muscles in his neck and shoulders loosening, relieving some of the nervous tension of the last few weeks. Sam Taggart, his girlfriend and a County General nurse, was still at home on a leave of absence, dealing with the consequences of her diabetic son, Alex, running away from home and not being found until a few days later, in a strange hospital recovering from severe hyperglycemia. The stress at home had been making the stress at work just that much harder to cope with. He knew Sam would love hearing the story of Morris and his cockroach, and probably Alex would, too.
Finally, the two physicians stopped laughing. Kerry got her coat out of her locker, and prepared to leave for the day. “Luka, you’re the attending on duty,” she said, trying – but not quite succeeding – to keep a serious tone to her voice. “Try not to let things get too far out of hand, will you?”
“Of course. I swear. Everything is back to normal.”
After Kerry left the room, Luka leaned on the table for a few more minutes, making sure he was in full control of himself before venturing back to the desk. Everyone else was diligently concentrating on their work, or at least trying to look as though they were. Even with Morris standing by the desk, looking at charts, there was an air of relaxation in the whole department. “Everything all right now, Dr. Morris?” Luka asked.
“Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?”
Kerry Weaver paused for a moment out in the parking lot, leaning on her crutch. “A cockroach,” she said to herself. “Oh Morris!” She shook her head and started laughing again. She was still chuckling minutes later as she got in her car and prepared to drive home. “A cockroach down his pants!”
THE END