Jude
part 8 by Vicki
Jude sat in the
suture room, putting 12 sutures in Phil Portman's forehead, from
a nasty gash he received after slipping on the snow, and was
somewhat glad her talk with Kerry was over. She loved Kerry but
still didn't want to talk about what she felt and thought.
Phil Portman was
a businessman on his way home from work, when he slipped on the
wet sidewalk, and was brought in by the doorman of his building.
Jude cleaned his wound and numbed the area, and began putting the
sutures in.
Forget it,
there is no way American football is more entertaining than
Australian Rugby Union, please. You guys wear padding from head
to toe, for crying out loud, we are nothing but body and skin
man, body and skin.
Please!
ridiculed Mr. Portman.
I'm serious
Mr. Portman. American Football versus Australian Rugby Union, no
competition.
We've got
the best players in sport history, Abdul-Jabba, Aikman, Atwater?
Compared to
my men? Their girls. smiled Jude. She was kidding. She
loved Aussie Rugby and didn't care much for the football, but she
was teasing and Phil loved talking about his favorite sport.
Get out of
here! pushed Phil. They were laughing at each other. He
pushed her shoulder and she rolled away on her chair.
I'm
kidding. They are good players, but nothing can beat the Union,
hinted Jude. He was having suture's put in his head; he couldn't
feel anything but he was having a good time. She kept her mind
busy; just so, she didn't have to think about Luka, unaware he
was searching the ER looking for her so they could talk.
How about
the hockey? asked Mr. Portman.
Don't even
get me started, joked Jude. She continued putting the rest
of the sutures in Phil's head, as Luka saw them through the
window of the trauma room. He saw she was with a patient, but he
would interrupt, he needed to talk to her while his courage and
faith were gathered all in the same place.
Can I speak
to for a second Dr. Baker? pleaded Luka as he stood in the
doorway. Jude was little surprised to see him.
I'm with a
patient right now. Mr. Portman instantly felt the
awkwardness between the two of them, on his forehead.
Ouch.
sighed Mr. Portman.
Sorry.
apologized Jude. She hated herself. Letting him affect her like
this. For God's sake, he was just standing in the doorway.
I need to
finish Mr. Portman's sutures.
I'll wait,
insisted Luka. He was not going to make this easy for her. They
were going to talk and that was all there was to it. He wanted to
hear her say the words he felt in his heart. He needed to say the
words he hoped she felt in hers. He longed to hear her kindred
spirit that he often saw ricochet from her eyes. He paced back
and forth in trauma room waiting for her, wondering when his
someday with her begun. Jude continued Mr. Portman's sutures. Mr.
Portman wished she didn't.
I don't
want to sound like a girl, started Mr. Portman, But
you're hurting me. Jude was upset.
I'm sorry.
Look, why
don't you go do your thing with this guy, He nodded out to
Luka, And I'll wait.
That's
okay, really, I'll be gentle, I promise. She gently
finished the remaining sutures, and stayed true to her word, Mr.
Portman felt nothing else.
Bandaged, clear
for release, with instructions in keeping the area clean, and
appointment to have them taken out organized, Mr. Portman put on
his coat, and scarf and was appreciative to the doctor, who had
made the experience less painful with her conversation.
Thanks Doc.
I'll give you a call when I've got tickets to the Bears.
Your
welcome and don't bother, I'll stick to the rugby. Take care of
yourself. wished Jude.
I will, you
too. He nodded towards the trauma room where Luka still
waited. She understood what he meant. Her smile one of thanks,
his of understanding.
Jude took the
deep breath she needed and braced herself to met the man who was
about to change her life. Luka took the deep breath he needed and
rejoiced in watching the woman he adored coming to him. He
instantly saw his future right before his eyes
****
You came to
my apartment, started Luka.
Think before you
speak, thought Jude, or better yet don't say anything at all if
you know what's going to come out will be stupid, I wanted
to talk to you about Thomas. finished Jude.
He deserved
respect and decency from her. He had been nothing but friendly
and honest and she had treated him badly, and right now, she
wouldn't beg for his forgiveness. She wasn't about to sacrifice
anything to anyone, especially Luka. It meant more. It meant the
difference between life and death. It meant living in the light
of life and the torment of darkness, and she was tired of the
shadow that covered her for so many days past, that she would
continue to be nonchalant and detached from everything that was
Luka Kovac.
We both
know that's not why you came. She wanted to burst his
inflated ego.
Look, it's
done okay. It's over. Thomas is safe. His old man is probably
where he should be.
Luka was a little
surprised at her disrespect for human life. He didn't know
anything of her past. He knew she had survived through torment
but he didn't know the extent of which she had suffered. She
appreciated life now, that of her own and of others, and
sometimes she hated herself for feeling that in his death Scott
Crawley got what he deserved. She saw the disappointment on
Luka's face, What now?
A man died,
Jude. She loved how he said her name.
So what.
She yelled. Everything about her father came flooding back. She
didn't need this in her life. Why don't you take a good
look at yourself before you judge anyone. You are not perfect.
You've made your share of mistakes and you've disappointed
plenty, I know.
There were times
when they made each other laugh, laughed until they cried. They
made each other mad and drove each other crazy and then out of
nowhere they did something special and giving. Finished the
paperwork of a patient. Followed up on tests and test results.
Covered shifts when something came up. Paid for dinner and train
tickets. Walked home together, and walked to work. They formed a
bond; both felt but would deny could ever be broken no matter the
decision made, or the people that came into their lives, or the
paths they chose to take.
You are my
responsibility.
Who says?
argued Jude. She was no one's anything, at least of all their
responsibility. She looked after herself. Watched her back from
trouble. Granted she relied on Kerry sometimes to help but she
didn't need this guy telling her what he felt.
Dr. Romano
insisted I make sure no rules are broken, and that hospital staff
play by them. I was the Attending and when a Resident breaks the
rules, I... These were not the words he wanted to say. He
had let his temper get the better of him. He had let her voice,
her eyes, her soul touch him. She always brought the best out of
him, and she always brought out the worst in him.
**She was his
North, and his South, His torment and storm, His escape and
harmony, His shelter.
She was his
fiber, and his blessing, His conceded and yearning, His character
and dignity, His indifference.
She was his
sanctuary, and his capture, His unrest and matter, His meaning
and civil, His hand.
She was his
canvas, and his maze, His labor and language, His river and
shame, His searching.
She was his
risk and his riot, His outcast and seasons, His calm and clever,
His humble.
She was his
insanity and his sane, His light and darkness, His life and
death, His breath.
She was his
sorrows and his sins, His worship and church, His goodwill and
compass, His wings.
She was his
keeper and his keepsake, His written and wrong, His pillar and
petty, She was his core. **
Youre
what? she cut in, You're the Attending and I'm only
the Resident but you know what, Kovac, just because you're the
Attending that does not automatically make you God.
He didn't want to
be fighting with her. He wanted to take her into his arms. Be
with her in every way. Friend. Lover. Soul mate. He loved how she
let the smallest things touch her so deeply, and how in simply
holding the hand of a child restored her faith in why she became
a doctor. He adored how she pretended the gentle words of a wives
love to her injured husband didn't affect her, and how that his
own didn't either.
Why do you
always insist on pushing things to the line? asked Luka.
That's none
of your business.
It is my
business when it affects your work. Dr. Romano made you my
responsibility, She wished he'd get off this subject. She
wondered how many times she had to tell him.
I am no
one's, made you, anything. She was her own person. Free to
do whatever she wanted when she wanted to, of course within the
guidelines of the hospital and the state of Illinois.
They were both
too opinionated for their own good. They were too much alike and
that's why they didn't get on. I am here to do a job and I
do it well. I am not here to please you. You know, Kerry never
judges me. Yeah I piss her off sometimes, but she finds a place
in her professional life to support me no matter the right or the
wrong, but that's just expecting too much from you, isn't it?
She was getting personal, and was not sure she should be going
here.
That's not
what this is about. You came to my apartment because like me you
know this is about something that's broken between us,
explained Luka. He had all these things he wanted to say and she
was not hearing him.
Us?
You and me.
For a thing
to be broken between us there needs to be a thing, and there
isn't a thing between us. You and me! Jude had had enough.
She had things to do and only a couple of hours left in her shift
to do it in. She had things to do and running away from this was
one of them. She slowly headed to the door of the suture room, to
clean up, hoping to get away with her feelings intact and Luka
not knowing how she really felt.
Go ahead
Jude, runaway, bitched Luka. He tried everything to keep
her there. He was tired of watching her walk away. He would do
anything in his power, to keep her there. Talk to her. Get to
know her better. Care for her and be cared by her. Take her body
into his welcoming arms and just hold her. Nothing made sense to
him in his life when she was near, and nothing made sense in his
life when they were apart. Jude constantly drove him crazy but
his heart fluttered when he saw her smile. Her sweet voice
drifted him into dreams, and she was usually cursing at him and
occasionally calling him names in Croatian, but they inhabited in
his mind and lived in his heart.
What do you
know about it? She was pissed off. She didn't runaway from
anything. She walked away.
I know that
every time we get here, to this place, you won't take that step
and, just let go. Jude didn't need to hear this from Luka.
He knew nothing about her and the more he pushed her the more she
was determined to make sure he didn't know anything.
Don't even
try and pretend you know me because you don't. You don't know the
first thing about me.
That's
because you won't let me in. I ask about your day. I ask about
your life. Are there things you want? Things you'd like to do? Do
you miss home? I think you're afraid to show me.
She didn't want
to get personal with him. She was afraid if she did, she would
open up a part of herself that had been damaged and trampled like
so many times before, and she conceded to the reality that she
would never survive through it again. Heartbreak surely taking
her to meet her mother in the heaven's gentle light.
Show you
what? She threw her hands into the pockets of her pants,
hoping Luka didn't see them shaking violently.
Your life!
That's
ridiculous!
Is it?
They were calm and silent. The moment intimate and intense. He
noticed how she went silent when she needed to deal with life.
Hers and that of others. He exulted in how the silence reflected
such beauty and passion in her face. He often remembered life's
sweetest delights. His wife's smile. He daughter's laugh, his
son's tiny strong hand, and the beautiful eyes of the woman who
stood before him today, and he desperately hoped to touch her
deep within her breaking heart, and ask her to be his, always.
You twist and tangle everything so that in the end I know
nothing.
I am not
going to stand here and listen to this from you, because when it
comes down to it, we're strangers you and I.
We've known
each other almost 5 months.
Jude laughed. She
couldn't help herself. Doesn't mean you know me.
He wished it did.
He wished he were closer to her than her closest friend. Someone
who was there until the end. He wished he could celebrate the
good times with her, and guide her through the hard moments. He
wished that what he did stirred her deeper than the deepest
ocean. He wished she would let him fight, bled, and voluntarily
lay down his life for her. He ached to take her to a place that
became their secret hiding spot, where they existed only for each
other, where they shared their secrets and joys, their love and
dreams, where babies would be conceived, time would pass, seasons
too, and their love, would always remain.
Kerry knew
something was going on between them. She didn't mention it to
Jude, knowing she would deny it to the ends of the earth. Kerry
felt that maybe they needed to emotionally beat each other up, so
they could get past whatever was going on between them. Maybe
they needed to cross the line to find each other and their
feelings for one another.
Your
absolutely right. exclaimed Luka. His feelings were lost
within his love for her. He had so much more to say to her. To
tell her, and he opened his mouth to speak the words he hoped
would allow him the woman he cared for but they were not spoken.
****
Lizzie
Madsen, 15 year old, auto versus pedestrian. yelled Doris,
as she pushed in Lizzie Madsen, a 15-year-old girl on the gurney
with her partner, into the trauma room.
Okay on my
count, nice and easy, ordered Dr. Carter, One. Two.
Three. Lizzie can you tell me where you are? asked Dr.
Carter. Lizzie responded to his question with difficulty. Dr.
Carter assessed his patient, and noticed her skin color was pale
and her hands and feet were cool to the touch. Haleh and Lydia
took her vitals and yelled them over Lizzie's crying.
The right
side of her back near the bottom of her ribs is pretty badly
bruised. The left leg at the thigh is swollen, described
Doris. Doris and her partner grabbed their stuff and left them to
it.
Dr. Kovac and Dr.
Baker stood, watching each other, wanting, and needing. Dr.
Carter needed their assistance.
Can I have
hand over here? wailed Carter. Jude rushed over to help
Carter. Any excuse so she didn't need to deal with what she
needed to with Luka. Luka watched them run the trauma;
disappointed things had not gone to plan. He feared he would
never have her in his life the way he wanted. He feared what not
having her in his life would do to him.
What have
we got, John? asked Jude. Ignoring Luka as he depressingly
strolled out of the ER. She watched him walk down the corridor,
his shoulders round, his head down, his brow haggard, only half
hearing Carter's description of the trauma that lay in front of
her.
BP 76 over
62, heart rate 140, respirations 22. relayed Haleh. Jude
was too preoccupied with Luka, and Haleh noticed, Dr.
Baker?
What, yes.
Jude jolted back into the trauma, her mind distracted from the
man who walked away from her. Let's get a CBC, chem. 7,
chest film and CT scan, let's type, and cross match, get some o.
neg. in here. Jude helped Carter with his patient, treated
her two broken ribs, and dislocated leg. She didn't have a skull
fracture and her heart and lungs look normal by x-ray. When they
checked her urine, it contained a small amount of blood. The
ultrasound indicated a small tear in her left kidney. They paged
Dr. Benton, stabilized her vitals, and got Lizzie in to surgery.
She was glad for
the distraction from her life and the things she needed to deal
with. Having someone suffer so she would be distracted was the
last thing she wanted, but deep down she knew she would take
anything she could get if it meant she didn't have to face Luka
and her feelings for him.
She felt she had
made a fool of herself. Turning up at his door like that,
expecting him to be alone. He was a good looking man, funny
sometimes, caring and gentle, pigheaded occasionally but
attractive to women anyway, and in her anticipation and eagerness
she forgot that or perhaps ignored it, and hoped she was the only
woman in his life, but she wasn't and neither was Jenny Adams.
****
Luka sunk into
the booth at Doc Magoo's, his hot coffee steaming on the table,
and lost his thoughts in the day he saw pass before him. The
snowflakes fell softly over Chicago, and Luka watched them from
the window. Memories of his wife and children suddenly filled his
heart. How he missed them. He had come so far in his life in only
the last few years. A new city. A new hospital. A new love. He
knew he would always love his wife and kids and remember them
dearly but his thoughts couldn't be deterred from another woman,
who he hoped would share with him his past, and the future to
come. His moments of good and bad. He felt if she was the woman,
he believed her to be, she would embrace them as if they were her
own. Rejoice in the smiles, comfort the tears, argue for what she
believed in, and graciously give in when she was wrong.
He finished the
last of his cold coffee, paid his bill, and decided to walk home.
It was a good distance but he needed to think. He didn't want to
stop fighting for this woman. He cared about her too much just to
let her slip away, but in his friendliness for another woman, he
made a mistake. Jenny Adams meant nothing to him, Jude did. Jenny
Adams would give him anything he wanted if he wanted it. Jude, he
thought would too sometimes and then there where other times when
he knew she wouldn't, and now Jenny Adams was the furthest thing
from his mind, as Jude still mentally tortured him, on his way
home.
****
Luka took the
last corner that would lead him to his apartment and knew life
could be cruel sometimes. His wife, his children. He never
stopped loving them, and in loving them, he found a reason to go
on living. In sharing his life with them for as long as he did,
and experiencing their pleasures and passion, he found reasons to
get on with his life. In being blessed with such beautiful people
in his life, he knew they would want him to be happy, to
experience love again, to smile and laugh like he once did, and
as he crossed the street that would lead him home, he thanked
them from within his appreciative heart for their special gift.
Jude jumped up
from the step of the stairs that led into Luka's apartment
building. She saw him coming across the street lost in his
thoughts, as beautiful as she always remembered him to be. She
stood scared to death of where the next few seconds of her life
was about to go. Luka stood in the middle of the street;
terrified he wouldn't be given the chance to go there with her.
Time stood still.
Their eyes locked within their love for each other. Their hearts
entwined. A passing car tooted its horn at Luka, instantly thrown
back into life; he walked slowly off the street on to the
sidewalk, and stopped in front of Jude. They came face to face.
She needed to stand up an extra few steps to meet his fixed gaze,
but she didn't mind and neither did he.
Eyes fixed.
Breath held. Love flowing. Two gentle souls immediately came
together. Jude had finally taken the risk, knowing deep in her
heart of hearts Luka Kovac was worth taking the risk for. Her
love for him had guided her home. This was not a dream. He melted
her heart with his smile.
What are
you doing here? whispered Luka. He didn't want to frighten
her away. Not this time. This time she would stay, always.
You were
right. I only think of myself, and I've got to stop doing that.
There are usually other people involved and it's unfair of me to
always be putting them into the situation. This was
emotionally killing her. She could not bear thinking about losing
him now, or living her life without him being apart of it. Fear
had ruled her life for so long, it's how she thought living was
meant to be. Afraid to open her heart. Terrified of allowing
someone to touch her deep within her soul, And I know
better, and I shouldn't have...I mean I... She couldn't go
on.
It's not
that hard, is it? asked Luka.
You can't
even begin to imagine, murmured Jude, and he couldn't. She
wanted to tell him she was sorry for all the things that had been
said and done. She wanted to show how she longed for him in her
heart, and how deeply she loved him in her soul.
You want to
come inside?
Jude didn't have
to think too long. She already knew the answer. She would go
anywhere with him. Suddenly all her fears, questions, and doubts
just didn't measure up against the love she felt for Luka Kovac.