Jude
part 6 by Vicki
Jude rushed to
get the train, but the doors closed too fast and it pulled away.
Damn it.
She stood on the
platform; waiting for the next one, hoping in didn't take too
long. She wanted to get back to Kerry's place and soak in a hot
bath. Lydia and Dr. Romano took care of Thomas and Foster parents
would take him home first thing in the morning. Under strict
instructions, she had grabbed her stuff and left the hospital to
take the rest of the week off. She couldn't imagine what she was
about to do with herself. The peace and quiet. Being alone while
Kerry was at work. She figured she would go sightseeing. She had
not seen much of Chicago since she arrived, and she had wanted to
see Wrigley Field.
She couldn't
believe this. The day was just getting worse and worse as the
snow stopped falling and the night arrived. Why did she have to
miss the train? Her headache suddenly a splitting migraine. Luka
sat down on the seat behind her, and rested. He had finished his
shift and wanted to go home and soak in a hot bath. He saw Jude
standing only a few feet away. Two people who had thought they
knew each other ignored one another. Had they come to a place
where they couldn't go back from? If they spoke up and told the
truth, of what their hearts felt would a line be crossed? If they
let their souls flow with feelings and wants and desires would
they finally get what they wanted? Neither of them moved nor
spoke. Afraid. Excited. Lost.
****
Her heart died.
Jude instantly felt Luka standing behind her. He stood, his eyes
closed, he could smell the shampoo in her hair, and the perfume
on her neck. She stood, her eyes closed, her soul craving. She
had to stop this before things got out of hand. Things being
herself, his lips, her hands, their hearts.
What the
hell are you doing? He found himself too tantalized with
the scent of her perfume, and the tiny hairs on the back of her
neck to answer. She could smell his after-shave, her mouth
watered. He could hear her breathing, it was undeniable, she was
as nervous as he was. He didn't say anything, not so sure what to
say, he hated her, how dare she confuse him the way she did, her
voice, her presence.
Stop doing
that. She could feel him breathing. He just wanted to know
her, but she gave him not even an indication of ever letting him
get close. Through her stubbornness and hurt, she was not about
to let a man destroy her like her father did. She knew in her
heart of hearts she would never survive. Her heart had long been
neglected, and he wanted to be the one to change that. He liked
how he felt when he saw her smile. Her nervousness embraced his
heart, and the way she tried to pretend he didn't affect her
touched his soul. He wanted to know her. Why so much hurt
reflected from her eyes, and who had caused it? Was she jealous?
Was it possible that she was angry at him not because of his
disapproving words but of seeing him this morning with another
woman?
The crowd, which
had gathered on the platform to catch the next train suddenly,
disappeared. The music soft, the singing voices gentle, the
lyrics of love.
I have to
go. whispered Jude.
Let me
explain, pleaded Luka. She could feel his breath on the
back of her neck.
There's
nothing to explain.
Yes there
is, Without thinking, he took her arms into his hands, and
turned her around to face him. Jude struggled to get away, but he
didn't hold her too tight, and she didn't struggle too hard. They
were not speaking. They were not even breathing. Too taken with
the moment to speak or move or remember something as simple as
who it was they were. He needed to see her face, her eyes, and
her soul, I don't want you to go.
I still
have my headache, I have to go home. Her head was still
spinning. Her heart pounding. Why should it bother her if he was
kissing another woman? She knew she was making fool of herself
and she needed to get out of there before she died.
She kissed
me. He argued his defense. Jude pulled her arms away from
his hands, and slowly walked away. She didnt want to hear
all the disgusting details. He followed behind; he was not going
to let her go easily. He would do almost anything in his power to
stop her. Gently take her into his arms, smother her with his
heart, love her like he had the moment he saw her. He dreaded it.
The thought if he let her go now, he would never get her back.
She doesn't mean anything to me. You have to believe me
Jude. In his pleading, his accent rich as she had ever
heard it before.
Why? It
doesn't matter to me. You can kiss whoever you want. She
didn't believe that anymore than he did.
Than why
are you leaving? He had noticed.
I told you
I have a headache. She was a little angry, he had seen
through her lie and straight into her heart. He didn't want her
to go. He didn't want her to go ever again. He wanted her to stay
and make a life with her. I don't want you to go.
So I'm
supposed to stay because you want me to?
I want you
to stay because you want to!
I don't
want to. Being this cold towards him was the only way she
thought would keep him from her heart. Instantly his heart broke.
He thought she didn't want him. The furthest thing from the
truth. Jude just couldn't bring herself to say the words. She was
humiliated. If only she had not made such a big deal out of all
of this, and now her embarrassed pride was taking her home no
matter what.
Fine.
He was hurt and upset. She could hear the sadness in his voice,
and it pulled at her but she couldn't back down. Her pride
bruised, her ego crushed. Under no circumstances would she give
her heart to him now. I mean who am I to make you stay.
He longed for her. He voluntarily gave her his heart and she
unknowingly broke it.
No-one.
lied Jude. Of course he was. He was the man who had stolen her
heart the moment she saw him comforting an elderly woman in the
ER, who had come to him with a lost mind, and dampened spirit.
When she watched him engrossed in his work that enveloped his
life joyously. When tears came to his eyes when a little boy held
his hand, crying in pain throughout the night, wanting his
mother, who had died in surgery.
Right.
Her words ripped straight to the core of his soul. These were not
the words he longed to hear. I'm just a kopile who asks for
too much.
Was this to be
her life? Men asking too much from her and wanting more and
hurting her because she couldn't give it to them? Her father.
Luka Kovac. She had gone through this torment and anguish once in
her life, she was not about to go through it again. Unbelievable!
You kiss another woman and I'm suppose to feel guilty because I
don't want to stay?
She kissed
me, protested Luka.
Her silence was
deafening.
Nothing is
going to happen between Jenny and me. He was adamant. He
knew while Jude was in his life, no other woman would ever come
close.
I don't
need to hear this. What you do with your life and who you do it
with, is no concern of mine.
I'd like it
to be. God how he wanted it to be. How he wanted her to be.
No.
Why not?
What can't what I do piss you off? What can't it move you?
Why would
it? She tried as hard as she could to deny from him and her
heart what he did, did affect her. It was prudent he understood
she wanted nothing to do with him. She didn't want him to think
she liked him just because she did, and she was determined to be
careful he didn't see what her eyes showed, and what her heart
felt. The simple truth.
You tell
me. He wanted her to say it. He needed to hear the words of
what her heart felt and what her eyes showed him.
I'm sorry
for any misconceptions you might have, Kovac, but I don't have
anything to say or to tell you. Once again of course she
did. It broke her heart to see him kissing another woman the way
she had wanted to for so long. She wanted to stand held in his
arms, embraced by his warmth and love. She wanted to feel his
lips upon her own. She wanted to die from embarrassment and she
had brought it all upon herself. If only she had not carried on
and made a big deal out of the redheaded nurse. If she had only
kept, her big mouth shut and went home like Dr. Romano ordered
her to.
Okay Jude.
He was hurt and confused. They had been getting on so well
lately. You don't have anything to say but I do...I want...
Please
don't. She cut in on him. She couldn't hear his words. She
couldn't bear it. Saying them out aloud made them real, and real
frightened her to death. She was afraid she would be crushed
again. She was scared if she did let him into her life, she would
love him, scared loving him would destroy her.
Her father was an
utter bastard. Doing this to her. Making her go through this all
over again. Why couldn't she just let herself love this man
without all the heartache and anguish and fear? She knew why, so
did Kerry and they would never forgive her father for what he did
to her.
Don't what
Jude? Don't say it? Don't speak the truth? He loved how her
voice quivered in fear. He wanted to reach out to her and take
her completely in, but he felt the further he reached out to her,
the quicker she faded back into her despair. Fear surfaced to his
heart, he couldn't imagine living without her in his life.
The truth
is... she hesitated. She knew words had to be spoken if she
was to get out of this with her heart intact. The truth
is...I need to go home.
Let me be
whatever home is for you. He pleaded with her.
I can't.
She couldn't. She knew it would kill her.
I would
never hurt you.
Suddenly tears
came to her eyes. She could no longer hold them back. It
hurts just looking at you, and that's why I need to go home.
He reached out to her hoping to take her into his arms, but she
stepped back, her few words a whisper. Good bye Luka.
Before he had
time to think or wonder what had just happened in his life, she
was on the train pulling out of the station and out of his life.
This had to be one of the worst nights of his life, as the crowd
of people on the platform pushed and shoved their way around. The
music stopped and the train was gone. He could do nothing but
give himself to her. He knew. He had always known. He loved this
woman with all his heart and soul, and already he missed her. He
had chased her away with his stupidity.
Suddenly the
train jolted as it stopped on the tracks and Luka jumped in his
seat. It had all been just a dream. He sat on the train, heading
home, and couldn't remember what had happened in his life over
the last ten minutes. He had gotten on the train behind Jude, and
found a seat down a few from where she sat, and in his tiredness
of day, he had drifted into sweet dreams. He searched the seat he
saw Jude sit down on, and realized she was already gone, her stop
two back.
He wondered why
she always insisted on stepping over the line and knew there
would come a time in her life when she wouldn't be able to step
back from it, and she would regret it, and he hoped he would be
there for her. His love for her instantaneously wove itself into
his receiving heart, and he could feel the tears well up in his
eyes. This was insane. This woman was having such a devastating
affect on his being and he wondered how he would ever endure it.
He prayed he did. He prayed he found the strength to carry on, in
life, and in love.
****
Kerry quietly
entered her apartment, hoping not to wake Jude. Her meeting had
run late into the night, an important issue had been added on to
the agenda. The Jude Baker outburst in the ER.
In the darkness,
Jude sat on a chair near the window, watching the snow slowly
fall outside, gently breathing in fainted breath, crying broken
tears. The bright light blinded her bloodshot eyes.
Please turn
it off, she begged. Kerry switched it straight back off.
I thought
you'd be asleep, queried Kerry. She threw her coat and bag
on the couch, and switched on the lamp, the light soft, and went
to Jude.
I couldn't
sleep.
Are you
okay? asked Kerry. As always, she was worried about her
friend, and never once stopped hoping faith and courage could be
restored in the young woman who had come to her broken and
battered.
Me? I'm
fine.
Kerry didn't
believe her. She knew her too well. She knew her silence meant
suffering. She knew when she talked too much she was nervous. She
knew when she cried her heart broke, and when she couldn't sleep,
her soul was lost, and the nightmares returned.
Talk to me.
insisted Kerry. Jude couldn't keep anything from her. Kerry like
a true friend helped her through anything when she feared Jude
would slip back into the depths of destruction that had long been
enslaved within her heart.
I've been
sitting here going over it in my head, and all I can figure out,
is that I wanted to hurt that guy like he hurt his little boy,
and that makes me an animal just like him. Hell at least now I
know.
Know what?
I get the
eyes from mother, the accent, at least now I know what I get from
the old man.
You are not
your father. Kerry knew where this was going and she didn't
like it. Kerry was harsh; felt she had to be if she ever got Jude
through this detour in her road of life and learning.
See a
problem, hit someone, and solve the problem.
You are not
you father.
Jude was silent;
she didn't fully believe Kerry's words. How could she not be like
him? She was his flesh and blood, his child. He was her sire, her
thorn.
In a single
moment her mind blackened, her heart stopped beating and her
spirit cried. With no explanation, no questions and no answers
found Jude Baker found peace and comfort within the eyes of a man
she cared for. She had no will to fight; her instincts vanished
within the numbness. She made no movements, no sounds, and the
life in her hid within the feelings she felt for a man she had
finally found.
The bastard
is always going to haunt me, isn't he? Every time I do something,
every time I know I've said something stupid, there is this split
second when I think he's going step up and slap upside the head,
and then of course I remember.
Your fathers
not coming back, and why in God's name do you keep doing this to
yourself? Kerry knew like times before, Jude needed to
touch the black unsavory bottom to help herself climb
triumphantly back to the top, where happiness and life embraced
her soul and spirit like it once did, before all of this
happened, and her father had done this her.
I look at
myself in the mirror and in my eyes I see my mother, but in my
heart and in my scars I see my father.
I know.
No you
don't. Not really, cried Jude, You have always been
there for me, you saved my life Kerry, and I appreciate it I do,
and I will love you always but you just can't know what it's
like. Jude could no longer hold back the tears. The past
three and a half months of her life catching up with her. The
past twenty years haunting her. Thomas Crawley knows and
somehow I find comfort in that, I know I shouldn't, because that
little boy has been to hell and back, and he will probably go
there again before all this is over, but I do.
Kerry didn't know
what to say. It was obvious Jude had thought about it. She knew
Jude cutting herself off like this surely was not healthy for her
sanity, and no matter the words spoken or how many tears cried,
she wouldn't give up, and she wouldn't stop just being there for
her. A friend to hold, a sister to hug. An eternal mother to
love. The isolation once again surrounded Jude's heart and soul.
The cavern of fear festering since her childhood surfaced to her
being.
****
**How could
he go on? He couldn't and didn't allow himself to. Jude buried
her father alongside her mother. He had long to find his love
again and sadly found her in his own death. The gunshot blown
through his head had been fatal. He had died in his grief, and in
his regret. In his wives dying, he had lost his daughter, and
losing his daughter had been his own making. In his daughter he
saw his wife, and in seeing her he mourn and angered and struck
out, and striking out had murdered the innocence of his little
girl.**
Do you
think maybe it's time to call Sarah? asked Kerry. Sarah
Armstrong had been Jude's Psychiatrist since she was 16 years
old.
No, that's
okay, mused Jude. It was not that bad. I'll be fine;
I'll just take a walk, clear my head.
Are you
sure?
Yeah I'm
sure. Kerry was concerned. Don't worry Kerry, I
promise I will call her if I need to.
How about
you call her anyway?
Jude was
appreciative of Kerry's concern. Okay Mom, I promise. Ill
call her tomorrow.
Good.
Kerry was relieved. Alone she did her best and got Jude through a
lot, but together with Sarah, they knew Jude would survive, and
live to see another day unhurt, with no heartache and no despair
suffocating her life.
Jude got up and
took Kerry into her arms. Friendship and love abundant in their
embrace. Go to bed, you look exhausted, and I will see you
in the morning.
Okay, it's
late, don't walk for too long. ordered Kerry.
Yes Mom.
smiled Jude.
Jude grabbed her
coat of the rack, and left Kerry's apartment to clear her head.
Kerry went to bed, trying to sleep, waiting for Jude to get back.
****
The snow had
stopped falling, but the air was bitter. Jude's coat covered
right up to her face, and her beanie kept her ears warm. Before
she knew it she had walked blocks, and her mind was lot clearer
now. She walked along the sidewalk enjoying this moment, the
glass of scotch from the bar two corners back had helped.
Suddenly she
found herself in a familiar part of the neighborhood, Kerry's
place was nowhere close, but she felt safe and protected. She
felt like she was finally home. As she stopped and looked at the
apartment building, she couldn't help but smile. She didn't want
to believe it, she didn't understand what had brought her here to
this place, but in a small part of her heart, she kind of guessed
why.
How could she
have been so careless letting Luka into her life and her heart
the way she had? Had she sent out beacons, showing she was
interested in him and his life? Had she given him any indication
she wanted him? She thought she hadn't but felt he probably saw
it in her eyes when she found him staring at her.
Her thoughts of
him tormented her in the most soft and sensual manner. Her
thoughts of the past day invaded her mind and she let them. How
could he do this to her? What was he doing? Kissing other women?
Did he want to show her there were other women willing to kiss
him and to be with him? It worked. Jude was as confused as she
had ever been since she met him. She couldn't believe how it
affected her so deeply and he had left unhealed scars upon her
heart with his words from this afternoon. He didn't say anything
that wasnt true, but they ravaged through her mind all the
same.
She stood on the
sidewalk watching the front door of the apartment building
suddenly hoping he would come out, saw her standing there, and
took her into his arms. She waited and remembered all the times
she lost herself in his eyes and immediately found his soul
there. She didn't know what had brought her here. She couldn't
take it anymore. He had somehow found his way in, to her heart
and her soul. She couldn't help but think about him and she hated
herself. It was the last thing she ever wanted. Having another
man touch her in the place she had secretly hidden away could
only bring her to a dark place again, but she couldn't help it.
Luka Kovac existed there and for everything she had left in her,
she couldn't deter it.
Jude Baker always
thought love was an emotion believed in the mind, not felt within
the heart but now she knew the truth, it did exist there. She
stood outside Luka's apartment door, where she saw the light was
still on and her heart ached, without her sweet angel being her
life. She wanted to give herself to him, completely and
voluntarily and caring nothing of the consequences. Her reality
haunted her. Her reality was she didn't have him, couldn't give
herself to him, afraid she would be crushed again, and he
probably wouldn't want her after the way she treated him. No one
deserved the disrespect and contempt she often forced upon him.
She wondered how he would ever forgive her. She felt and believed
he probably never would. She gathered her strength and will and
began the journey she prayed would be the beginning of the rest
of her life.
She softly
knocked on his door and of course, she knew what had brought her
here. It was Luka Kovac. There was nothing he wouldn't do for
her. He would slay dragons if that's what she wanted from him.
Keep the demons from her dreams. Have angels softly blow away her
nightmares as she slept, allowing her good dreams to flow freely
through her mind as the twilight's past and the new dawns begun.
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