Jude
Part 4 by Vicki
Whispered words
were spoken, tender moments captured. In the soft flicker of the
surrounding candles and the gospel voices of the angels humming
overhead, her future was no longer set and how could it be? She
felt Luka's soft breath on her neck; the sweetness of it touched
the side of her face. The moment immediately surrendered to the
silence. Two naked bodies enveloped each other. His hand lay
softly in her own, his touch gentle like a warm summer breeze. He
wove his long fingers within hers and drowned his lips upon her
lips for a deep kiss. She felt the essence of his simple
beautiful being and the beating of his heart against her chest,
and forgot her own name. Was this really happening? She had only
known this man for 8 weeks and it had not always been good
between them.
No longer were
they friends. Tonight he touched her face with such a gentle
grace and placed peace in her heart. Tonight they become lovers.
Jude finally knew. Her prays finally answered. His precious soul
cascaded through his eyes as she watched them close and felt the
sweet taste of heaven from his lips.
Suddenly the dawn
strip over Jude's face. Her tears began to fall afresh, it was
her sadness crying. Her heartache ravaged through its own crisis.
It had all been just a dream, perhaps even a nightmare because
she was still too frightened to let another man in to her life.
She wanted death to swallow her. She felt if dying meant keeping
him from her heart than that is what she would allow it to mean.
Jude had been in
Chicago over 8 weeks now and keeping her thoughts away from Luka
Kovac was getting harder every day. She tried ignoring him at
work but it was impossible, when Dr. Romano insisted Luka still
watch over her.
Luka took her
under his wing and they brought the best out of each other. Kerry
often the mediator in their bickering. They made the smallest
things in to full-scale war. Kept each other on the defensive.
Jude had already had her spirit crushed, Luka his heart with the
loss of his family, both sure they didn't want to go through it
again, but both having a hard time trying to ignore the fact they
affected each other like they did. He wondered why he let this
woman slip into his heart, when he suffered through his own
crisis. He thought about his wife and kids, their faces etched in
his mind. Jude fought and struggled with the demons around her
and with the ones in her memories and tried to not think about
him.
Kerry banged on
the bathroom door several times as Jude took a long hot shower.
Are you okay in there? screamed Kerry. She wondered
what had gotten her friend up so early when she was not due into
work for another 4 hours.
I'm fine,
yelled Jude. She didn't want to tell Kerry she couldn't sleep and
hadn't properly in the last week.
Okay.
Coffee's hot. I'll see you at work. She was on the early
shift. She had no idea what was going on in Jude's life right
now, and Jude didn't tell her. Saying it out aloud and telling
someone made it more real, and it was not real, she wouldn't
allow it. Doctor Kovac didn't exist in her life and she would do
everything in her power to make sure he wasnt. Be a bitch.
Treat him badly. Pretend she didn't care what he thought or who
he was. Argue back even when he already surrendered. Ignore him
when she knew he was right.
Okay. I'll
see you there. Jude stood in the hot shower and heard Kerry
leave the apartment to go to work. She was pleased about the
peace and quiet, not that Kerry made too much noise but she
needed time to think and she needed to be alone to do it.
As she got out of
the shower and wiped the steam from the mirror, she saw her naked
body and remembered why she was so afraid. She stood looking at
her chest and softly traced her fingers over the faded scars, one
big one and several little ones. Instantly the happiness of where
her life was right now drowned from her eyes and abandonment
filled them. In a single moment, her once beloved father had
betrayed her, and her life had stopped living.
She threw on her
robe and went to the kitchen to get some coffee. She didn't want
to think about it anymore. She changed her mind. She didn't want
to think about anything, her past, her father, her life, or Luka
Kovac.
**It was
devastatingly cold. Jude Baker couldn't find any other way to
describe her fathers attitude or his confession. She
wondered if he had set out to hurt her on purpose. He reflected
not even a glimpse of regret or guilt. The words fell from his
lips so rehearsed and so harshly. Her mind tormented through them
repeatedly. Her heart became divided at his actions. Half still
loved him, the other half died. Her spirit tranquil within its
own devastation. Her soul quivering. Each and all lost in the
vast unknown of loneliness and alone. His decency and goodness
faded and his cowardliness showed. Jude never imagined he could
be so cruel and vicious, leaving her wounded and her emotions
raw. She was five years old at the time, what did she know? **
Jude could
already feel a migraine coming on and she had not even started
work. She was thankful the morning had been a quiet one and she
had time to catch up on her charts in the suture room that was
not being used.
Luka wiped the
name Kurt Owens, his chicken pox patient off the admit board and
tried to find a room that was not being used to catch up on some
sleep. The morning was quiet and he had pulled an all night
shift, and didn't finish for another six hours.
Jesus!
screeched Jude. He startled her as he stammered in to the room.
You scared the hell out of me.
Sorry. I
didn't think anyone was in here.
And yet
there is. she jokingly admitted.
I thought
this would be a quiet place to sleep.
Night
shift? Luka nodded as he yawned. He took it upon himself to
sit down on the spare seat. Jude had the bed covered in charts
and reports, and just squeezed on with her legs crossed.
You just
get on?
A couple of
hours ago. She was embarrassed. She didn't know what to say
to him. Her dream of the two of them together still so vivid in
her mind. She wondered what he would think of her if she told
him. He caught her staring.
What?
Nothing.
Damn, he caught her. She had to cut it out. What did she really
know about him anyway? Voice deep and mesmerizing at times. Who
was he? A man who had scars of his own. A doctor who gave to his
patients and didn't expect anything in return. A man who listened
and consoled when he could, and got passionately frustrated when
he couldn't. He yawned again. He couldn't help it, he was so
tired, and it took all his will to keep his eyes open.
Jude's smile
couldn't be deterred. Luka loved how she smiled. You should
do that more often.
What's
that?
Smile. It
brings something out in your.... Jude feared where this
conversation was going, Luka was glad it was going there. It was
inevitable; she couldn't help but find herself lost in his eyes,
when she sat looking at him, while he tried to explain to her
what he meant. He circled his face with his hand, trying to show
her. I mean it brings something out in your face. She
had to look away. She couldn't stand it. His eyes burnt right
through to her soul and touched places she had hidden away so
long ago. There's like a...sorrow there that's, it's
beautiful. They were both quiet, Jude worried, Luka cheeks
flushed. He knew what he was saying was not coming out right, the
expression on Jude's face told him so.
Great.
She was angry. I'm so glad my sorrow makes me beautiful to
look at. She was pissed off. He had seen it there, the
sorrow she had hidden away years ago. If he had seen the sorrow,
what else had he found there? Her heartache, her anguish, and the
scars. Her feelings for him. She didn't want him to know any of
it. Afraid if he did she would break.
Come on
Jude.
Come on
what, Kovac? She bit back and got off the bed.
That's not
what I meant.
Yeah
well... she struggled to find the words. I don't
really care. Of course she did. She cared about what he
thought. What he needed. His feelings. His life.
The past 8 weeks
had gone so fast. So many faces. So many names. Patients in and
out of their life's. Some saved and some were not. All her spare
time was spent helping Michael recover from his trauma. His wound
was healing nicely and his slight depression fading. Their
conservation's heading towards prosthetic. It was a plan, one she
and Michael strived for, one his mother welcomed, one Luka
watched over.
You sure
about that? He was smug. She was put off by his remark and
his attitude. She hated herself for getting into this situation
with him. She gathered up her charts and papers and headed to the
door. He jumped off his chair and grabbed her arm, with no force
or anger, just gentleness and passion and wanting.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
You didn't.
she snapped at him. And don't flatter yourself in ever
thinking you could. Contrary to what you might think Kovac, what
you do and the things you say, don't affect me one way or the
other.
And yet
your still leaving. He shot back.
Bastard. She
spoke no more words to him. The look on her face showed
everything. He let go of her arm and watched her walk out, the
door slamming behind her. She spoke to him in contempt but he saw
what her eyes showed. He thought he had touched her soul. He
hoped he had. She denied him everything of herself. She was not
about to risk her feelings to a man she hardly knew and knowing
him was something she just was not going to let happen now.
He fell back in
the chair, exhausted, and it had nothing to do with work. The way
this woman played on his mind was just too hard. Why was she
doing this? Why was she pretending something just didn't happen
between them, when he knew only too well it had done, and so did
she? He saw it. Felt it. He didn't want to surrender to the
emotional blizzard placed upon his heart by the touch of her warm
flesh but he couldn't help it. He felt deep in his heart of
hearts he didnt want to give up on her, or being a part of
her life.
Jude walked
through the ER oblivious to all the people around her, lost in
her own life, thinking her own thoughts, dealing with her own
emotions, unaware his heart broke and his soul cried. He had lost
his heart to her and he had let it easily be taken. He liked how
they nursed the sick and injured together, and supported each
other through the trying times. He liked the way she tried to
hate him and couldn't. The way she allowed him to piss her off.
The way she let him get to her. It was the principal of the thing
and her pride and she would argue until the end of time itself
that she was not interested in Luka Kovac no matter how nice he
was. He liked how she called him Kovac when she didn't want him
to see what she truly felt.
Luka wanted to
ask her straight out. He wanted to know. He wanted to be with her
away from work. Tell her his secrets and dreams. Hear hers. He
wanted to protect her from harm and heartbreak. Did he have a
chance? Was there a possibility they could be more than work
associates? Friends? Lovers?
He sat restless
and unsettled in the chair, remembering all the things of the
past 8 weeks. He caught himself in her stubbornness; he strongly
felt made her even more loving and lovable. He voluntarily lost
himself in every part of her, her body, her soul, and her sweet
being. He took care of patients with her, spent time going over
charts and x-rays, making diagnosis, disagreeing with her when he
thought she was wrong, apologized when she insisted he was. Luka
embraced the sadness Jude endured when she held a crying man's
hand in her own, while he watched his wife die. He breathed in
the happiness Jude desperately held on to when she helped bring
back from death a baby delivered with its cord around his throat.
It warmed his heart when they talked about things that were
important and those that weren't, sometimes in to the dawn of a
new day, and it embodied his spirit when they stood and argued
until neither could breathe about everything that life threw at
them.
He sat thinking
of her, wanting her, slowly drifting to sleep, dreaming of her,
and hearing Dr. Romano yelling out his name.
****
Allowing
this to drag on will not win her favor, Kovac, explained
Robert. Luka had no idea what he was talking about. They stood in
trauma room one looking at x-rays from a patient Luka sent up for
surgery on his heart.
Dr. Robert Romano
saw it. Most of the ER did too. Luka and Jude were the only two
who were oblivious to it.
What?
asked Luka.
Jude. You
drive this girl nuts because you like her. Luka didn't know
where this was coming from. He and Robert weren't exactly
friends. Their relationship had been nothing more then employer
and employee and now here Dr. Romano was discussing a patient's
by-pass surgery and giving advice about women. You keep
chasing her out of the room, she will never see the guy you want
her to see you are. Robert had seen their meeting earlier
through the window of the suture room.
That's
ridiculous. He was not going to stand there and discuss his
private life with a man who never showed an interest in anything
but throwing his weight around.
Fighting
against her will not get you what you want.
I didn't
get here by giving up on a good fight.
Maybe but
Jude Baker hasn't been a part of your life before either, and I
get the feeling, she's not the kind of person to back off from a
few good rounds herself.
Robert grabbed
his x-rays and left Luka with his thoughts. He had no idea what
his conversation with Dr. Romano meant and he didn't think about
it too much, he had something else on his mind, and someone else.
Jude had a
fighting will that matched his own. She was a woman who even when
covered in blood and body fluid still came out smelling sweet,
usually the scent of Vanilla. Her sweet laughter toyed with his
soul. Her personality often disagreed with his and it was bound
to, they were different from each other. Born in different times
and places. Lived different lives. Survived through different
tragedies, and in being different, they were somewhat the same.
They were decent and kind to strangers who became patients. They
were caring and giving to people who became friends, and they
were scared and vulnerable to finding new love. Luka had lost his
family, Jude her parents. Lovers and loved ones, soul mates and
friends. All missed deeply and living in God's gentle place.
****
Time past, and
the season changed. Snow veiled over the ground, and the brutal
breeze froze anything in its path. Life in the ER was hectic as
usual, patients caught by the sudden chill of winter, treated for
pneumonia and the common cold. Dr. Kovac couldn't get his car to
start again this morning. Time to trade in and get a new one he
thought as the car pulling up alongside his, honked its horn. He
knew the driver, a redheaded nurse from the hospital, Jenny
Adams, ICU nurse, watched over Luka while he watched over Michael
Barnett, and ignored Dr. Baker.
He sat in the
warmth of her car, and felt a little embarrassed at her
flirtations. He knew she liked him and he liked her but not in
the same way. She was a nice girl, helpful and polite, but he
knew deep down his feelings belonged to someone else.
Jude stood in the
warmth of Magoo's waiting for her usual morning cup of coffee.
Strong, black and very sweet is the way she liked it and they
made just right every time. She caught a ride in with Kerry who
was already up in a staff meeting that was supposed to go on for
most of the day. Her own shift didn't start for another 10
minutes and she couldn't get through the day with out her first
cup of coffee, if she missed it, she was a grouch.
Jenny pulled up
alongside the curb, near the emergency ambulance bay, to let Luka
out. She got out as well hoping for the chance to ask him out
before he went inside. They stood in front of the car, wrapped
warmly in the overcoats.
Thank you
for the ride. said Luka. He appreciated her generosity on
this cold freezing morning.
Your
welcome. She was glad she could help. She would do anything
for him if it meant making an impression. Jenny Adams often got
what she wanted, when she wanted it, and Luka Kovac would be no
exception. No challenge was too hard. Her tastes and treasures
always exquisite and beautiful. She was both seductive and
seducer. Trickster and teaser. Her vanity torrid. Her conniving
schemes unspeakable. Her mind full of destructive thought and
ruthless theory. She used and abused anything or anyone that got
in her way. Jenny Adams stopped at nothing until she got what she
wanted.
Jude sipped her
hot coffee as the doctor she knew from Pediatrics held the door
open for her as she walked out into the cold and slow falling
snow. He was glad to obliged, and Jude smiled in appreciation.
She stood on the sidewalk waiting for the car to pass and noticed
a couple standing together across the street. A smile came to her
face; it was a nice to see. Friend's making plans to meet for
lunch perhaps. Lovers making plans for the future. She couldn't
help but find herself staring, suddenly she recognized the woman,
a nurse from upstairs, and from behind, he looked somewhat
familiar. Jude adjusted her sight to the daylight, and through
the light snow, she saw who she thought she did.
Jenny Adams was a
calculating, manipulative young woman who got what she wanted,
usually from Daddy, but no matter what she did or the games she
played, Luka Kovac was going to be a lot harder to get then she
anticipated.
Maybe
another time. She was disappointed he didn't want to have
dinner with her tonight. His excuse was he had to work, which was
not exactly a lie; it just wasn't the truth either. He had hoped
he would grab a bite to eat at Doc Magoo's with a doctor he had
had dinner with two nights last week. Jenny didnt need more
than one guess to know who that happened to be.
In the corner of
her eye, she saw Jude standing across the street, her eyes fixed
on them, and in her sly and cunning, Jenny would make her
impression. She leant forward and gently kissed Luka on the lips,
he was a little taken aback. He didn't expect it. Jenny didn't
care. He didn't kiss her back and he didn't need him to, Jenny
got what she wanted.
Is that Dr.
Baker? She knew damn well it was, Standing across the
street. Luka looked across the street, and saw Jude
standing there. Jenny was pleased with herself. Jude noticed them
noticing her, checked both ways of the street, and crossed the
road to go inside.
Morning,
Dr. Baker. teased Jenny. She loved rubbing this woman the
wrong way. She could honestly stand there and say she didn't like
Jude Baker and Jude didn't like her, and neither woman cared the
very least.
Good
morning. said Jude, she was not going to let this woman get
to her, not today.
Yes it is,
isn't it? smiled Jenny. The smirk on her face couldn't be
deterred. She had succeeded. Her plan had worked and Jude had
seen it. Luka didn't say anything. He regretted accepting the
ride from Jenny.
If you say
so. Jude headed off inside, leaving Jenny feeling good
about what she had succeeded in doing, and Luka confused. He
liked Jenny but he didn't care about her the way he did for
another young woman who had been a part of his life for the past
3 and a half months. Just because Jenny kissed him, didn't mean
he would stop caring for Jude and give his heart instantly to
another.
I better
let you get in, said Jenny. Luka smiled in appreciation for
the ride not the kiss. She got back into her car, and drove up to
the car park to start her own shift, pleased with herself. Luka
walked inside, dragging his feet, he looked as if he had the
whole world on his shoulders. He shook of the snow from his coat
and went into the doctor's lounge to change.
Jude was on the
couch, changing her shoes. She didn't look up. In her
stubbornness and hurt pride, she was not about to let what he did
move her. She felt like throwing up. She hated herself for
letting him make her feel this way. How could he? He meant
nothing to her. He could go anywhere with anyone and do what he
wanted. She had no say in his life or what he did and whom he
chose to do it with.
Morning.
whispered Luka. He was embarrassed. He didn't understand how Jude
could cause so much calm and comfort to his heart and in the same
instance set confusion and commotion in him. How could something
so beautiful cause so much heartbreak? How could such a gentle
soul he believed she was, inflict so much violence to him and his
existence, just by sitting there pretending what she just
witnessed didn't touch her?
Gday.
In some way, she thought she had to be cold to stop him from
seeing the truth. She would under no circumstances let him in.
He closed his
locker, and threw on his white coat, and felt he needed to talk
to her, explain what just happened. The moment between them
awkward. Time momentarily still. The only things standing between
them was the fear her father bred in her and another woman's
kiss. He tried to find the words to say but nothing came out. She
fidgeted in the chair; she wanted to know what he wanted from her
and this moment. He stood watching her, just wanting to talk to
her, spend time with her, and touch her.
See you.
Jude got off the couch and rushed out of lounge, leaving Luka by
himself. He could do nothing but render himself to her. He had
chased her away with his stupidity. How could he have let Jenny
kiss him the way she did when there was nothing between them?
With foolish heart and weakened strength, he had let Jude walk
out of the lounge and possibly his life. He prayed she was not
gone too long.
Jude snatched the
chart from Frank at the front desk, her first patient for the
day, and felt stupid. She didn't care for this man but at the
same time, she felt betrayed and used. How could he do this to
her? What was he doing? Nothing except living his life as he was
entitled to do and she had no right to judge him or think badly
of him just because he kissed a woman. What did she feel? She
didn't know too much about Luka and what she did know she kept
telling herself she didn't like. What did she care? She didn't.
She didn't allow herself to care about him or anything he did.
Who was he? No one. A man she worked with, she worked with other
men. Carter. Dr. Green. Malik. She allowed Luka to be no
different. Why did seeing him with another woman affect her like
this? She was not about to dwell on it, discarded him and her
thoughts of the two of them together from her mind, and joined
Lydia in exam room two to examine her patient. What was she
feeling? Simple and plain jealousy. Why? She didn't know and
didn't want to find out the answers to the questions that
suddenly hammered repeatedly in her mind.
****
What do you
think? asked Lydia quietly, so 8-year-old Thomas Crawley
didn't hear their words.
I think
beating up a defensive little kid makes him feel good, the son of
a bitch. whispered Jude.
X-rays showed
Thomas suffered two broken ribs, fractured wrist, and contusions
to his lower back, chest, and upper arms. Jude and Lydia could
tell he was hiding something but they didn't want to push him,
and alienate him any further into his shell. His father's story
of Thomas falling down the stairs just didn't seem right.
Thomas's eyes showed the truth. He was scared of his father,
almost petrified. They couldn't be sure but they thought the
bruising around his left arm looked like finger marks. Thomas's
father would insist he held Thomas too tight when he tried to
check on the little boy's lifeless body at the bottom of the
stairs, waiting for paramedics to arrive.
Who do we
like at Social Services for this?
Adele
Neumann. answered Lydia. She's good with this kind of
thing.
Call her.
You got it.
Lydia headed to
the front desk to call Adele, and Jude went back to check on
Thomas. His father Scott sat in chairs, waiting, waiting, and
still waiting.
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