THOUGHTS
By Poet


There's a train coming along but I'll just let it pass by. I'm not really ready to go on home yet. Besides I need to get my thoughts in order or I'll never be able to sleep. Despite everything that's happened, I'm expected in tomorrow. Right now I'm not even sure I want to go to work tomorrow.

This bench looks like a peaceful place to sit and think while I wait for a train. There's no one around to disturb me.

Today has been--as the Americans put it--'one for the books'. But how I wish this chapter, this page had never been written.

I can't help but think about that baby. My own life has been filled with such tragedy and pain. But he never had a chance to live. I did my best for him, even being ready to put my own job on the line. But in the end, all I could do was deliver the baby and pronounce 'time of death'. And that girl will go on with her life, still denying she ever had a child. But I can't forget.

My shift was over when I was through with the baby and for once I was glad there were no patients. I just signed out without talking to anyone. Besides, what could they say to me?

Today at the school, I felt really proud of myself, making the BIG decisions--who lived and died. Truthfully, I wouldn't have wanted to waste even the time and resources on that guy--he got what he deserved. If he'd come to the ER, it would've been different--Kerry would've been in charge.

I know Kerry is really mad at me but she's been very distracted today. I've heard Carter's name mentioned a few times and I wonder if it involves him. I've noticed his behavior but I just thought he was still affected by Valentines Day. Hell, it affected us all.

The big question going through my mind is: should I leave Chicago? I've thought about it a few times since Carol left. A year ago it would have been so easy. I'd just resign my position and sail off in my boat to start over in another city. A year ago I would have left when I felt I was getting too involved, too close to letting down my defenses. But now I don't have the boat anymore, just a car that's broken down again. So for now I'll stay. I like my job and I'm starting to know people.

In the past I would've made damn sure that that no one knew my private pain, my hell. But now I've revealed it to Kerry and Carol--

I keep telling myself that I won't think about her, but it's not that easy. She was my first friend at County and just when I think we might have a future together, she heads for Seatle and that Doug Ross guy. I had no choice but to let her go. I always insist that families stay together--because mine were taken. It's better that Kate and Tess know their own father. They're just babies, they'll forget all about me.

I guess it's time to start dating again--learn how it's done here in America. I never pursued the girls--they chased me. Mirjana was my first love, my soul mate, and I'll always love her. But I've been alone too long now.

Looks like Mark approaching, he sure looks worried about something. I guess I'd better let him sit down. Although tonight misery does not love company. Anyway, another train will be coming soon and I can leave.



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